What I Do While Waiting For Really Important, Life-changing Responses From 2 People On Opposite Coasts
(thank you to Lori at Martha Points for inspiring this format)
6:20 a.m. Check email from phone sitting on bedside table. While loading, turn on laptop.
6:23 a.m. See that said people have not responded. Heart sinks.
6:25 a.m. Abandon phone for laptop, as dumbphone requires me to squint. Swear once again I am not ready for reading glasses.
6:28 a.m. Check email from laptop, as important news may have arrived in last 3 minutes.
6:29 a.m. See that East Coast person and West Coast person have not responded. Heart sinks.
6:35 a.m. Calculate current time of day on West Coast. Encouraged that it is 4:25 a.m. and person could not have feasibly responded overnight unless insomniac.
6:39 a.m. Calculate current time of day on East Coast. Justify lack of response by telling myself that person is likely stuck in a cab in Manhattan traffic with a driver who speaks a little-known dialect of Namibia.
6:45 a.m. Wonder if East Coast person has iPhone, rendering him able to answer email in traffic.
6:50 a.m. Forcibly remove myself from desk area to wake up children.
7:00 a.m. Think about whether I have received an email while telling Little CEO for the 756th time this morning to brush her teeth for the love of God.
7:20 a.m. Take children to school. Curse self for forgetting to bring dumbphone in car so I could check my email.
7:40 a.m. Arrive home from school dropoff. Racked with indecision as to whether first a) put teapot on to boil or b) check email.
7:55 a.m. Conclude Krispy Kreme donut will aid decision; ingest.
8:00 a.m. Put teapot on to boil.
8:02 a.m. Check email for response from East Coast person. No response.
8:04 a.m. Ignore tea kettle whistling.
8:08 Check volume of dumbphone to ensure I haven’t missed a call from husband, who may have heard from West Coast person.
8:15 a.m. Run to stove; clean up burned shards of bottom of teapot which has boiled dry.
8:30 a.m. Browse available dumbphone ringtones to select one which I can hear from any room in the house so as not to miss call from husband, who may have heard from West Coast person.
8:45 a.m. Racked with indecision over choice between Ringtone #1, The Thong Song, or Ringtone #2, American Idiot.
9:05 a.m. Mull decision over bowl of Cheerios.
9:07 a.m. Realize I have already eaten breakfast. Finish bowl of Cheerios.
9:30 a.m. Poll people on Twitter for ringtone choice. Twitter says American Idiot. Twitter is too young to know who Cisco is.
9:31 a.m. Get spammed on Twitter by a man wearing a rhinestone thong. It may be Cisco.
9:55 a.m. Check email for response from East Coast person. No response. Check date on laptop calendar; ensure it is a weekday. Wonder if I have left children at school with no one there.
10:20 a.m. Check email for response from West Coast person. No response. Email husband to see if he has had a response.
10:47 a.m. Call husband to see if he got email asking if he had a response from West Coast person. Husband does not answer.
11:15 a.m. Stalk West Coast person on Linked In for clues.
11:36 a.m. Racked with indecision as to add West Coast person as connection on Linked In.
11:45 a.m. Stalk East Coast person on Google for clues.
12:14 p.m. Racked with indecision as to hire private investigator to assess whether East Coast person is alive.
12:38 p.m. Conclude lunch will help indecision. Racked with indecision as to whether to leave the house to get Subway or eat a cheese stick so as not to miss important email from East Coast person or West Coast person.
12:42 p.m. Eat cheese stick.
12:45 p.m. Eat Krispy Kreme donut.
12:57 p.m. Crave hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps. Racked with indecision as to whether it is too early to have peppermint schnapps.
1:14 p.m. Poll Twitter to see if it is too early to have peppermint schnapps. Twitter says no, not too early.
1:15 p.m. Make hot chocolate. Cannot find peppermint schnapps. Drink hot chocolate.
1:34 p.m. Look on Facebook to see if I have any mutual friends with East Coast person.
1:37 p.m. Consider adding East Coast person as a friend, decide I am hungry again.
1:53 p.m. Check email on dumbphone with one hand while I put Tater Tots in the toaster oven with other. No response from West Coast person or East Coast person.
2:15 p.m. Realize husband had not responded to voicemail. Send email with subject line “ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PHONE.”
2:42 p.m. Husband calls; asks me to edit subject lines of emails as he was using his laptop for a presentation with a client and email popped up on screen.
2:47 p.m. Realize that payback of email faux pas will be a bitch tonight.
3:19 p.m.Realize that school pickup was at 2:40.
3:25 p.m. Racked with indecision as to whether it’s worse to admit being late for school pickup or worse to blame nonexistent local grandparent with dementia for failing to pick up children.
3:30 p.m. Poll Twitter on whether it’s worse to admit being late or worse to blame nonexistent local grandparent. Twitter says much worse to admit being late.
3:50 p.m. Realize I should check spam folder of my email before heading out to pick up abandoned children in case email got misrouted. No response from West Coast person or East Coast person.
4:00 p.m. Pick kids up at principal’s office. Apologize that the children’s local grandparent had a bout of dementia and forgot them. Slide $50 check made out to PTA across principal’s desk. Take kids to get an Icee.
4:20 p.m. Check email on dumbphone while kids eat Icees and sing about subliminal mind fucks, America.
5:05 p.m. Arrive home. Realize dinner has not been prepared.
5:07 p.m. Dumbphone rings. Husband says he has left work, home in twenty.
5:14 p.m. Racked with indecision as to whether to tell husband the chicken I planned to make was rotten or that I promised the kids pizza for good behavior.
5:20 p.m. Poll Twitter as to whether I should tell husband chicken is rotten or that I promised the kids pizza.
5:22 p.m. Twitter says I should tell him I promised the kids pizza.
5:23 p.m. Order pizza. Check email. No responses.
5:31 p.m. Husband arrives. Tell him that I worked hard today on building a blog business and that I need to run up to my laptop to check email.
5:40 p.m. Pizza arrives. Husband feeds kids while I kick myself for not checking secondary email account earlier in the day.
5:41 p.m. No response from East Coast person or West Coast person on secondary email.
5:43 p.m. Eat 7 slices of pizza.
6:02 p.m. Sit on toilet with dumbphone checking two email accounts while kids take showers. Narrowly miss dropping dumbphone in toilet.
6:04 p.m. Racked with indecision as to whether I should “accidentally” drop dumbphone in toilet to have reason to buy iPhone or smash it to bits with a meat mallet and blame the children.
6:07 p.m. Poll Twitter; Twitter says drop it in the toilet.
6:10 p.m. Scream for husband that dumbphone fell in the toilet.
6:11 p.m. Husband has Googled solution to drying out dumbphone without there being any damage. Curse husband under breath. Check email on laptop, no response from East Coast person.
6:12 p.m. Consider that East Coast person is eating fancy sushi dinner in swanky Manhattan restaurant.
7:22 p.m. Consider that West Coast person is eating fancy sushi dinner in swanky San Diego restaurant.
7:25 p.m. Eat Krispy Kreme.
9:02 p.m. Decide that this is blog fodder.
9:14 p.m. Begin serving husband several beers consecutively so as to induce passing out so I may write blog post.
9:55 p.m. Finish blog post. Check email for response from West Coast person. Realize I won’t hear directly from West Coast person; husband needs to forward me the response. Curse self for drugging husband, who is now incapable of checking email.
Repeat it all the next day.