Tips for Your Valentine’s Day

by Gigi Ross on February 13, 2011

I have some tips for getting the most out of your Valentine’s Day. Enjoy.

1. If you’re trying to hide your Valentine’s Day candy intake, don’t eat those conversation hearts. They leave a telltale residue on your hands and face that some might mistake for your best Lindsay Lohan impersonation.

2. Consider getting your Valentine’s boink on before heading out to dinner. That way you can indulge in gourmet bean burritos, cream-based desserts  or other fart-inducing foods without disappointing your husband later on with your stench.

3. Be polite when you receive flowers from your husband, even if they’re the last pathetic pot of dying orange mums from the grocery store.

4. When your children bring home their Valentine treats from school, immediately wrestle them from their grasps.  Insist that you must inspect all goodies for staples, razor blades and other lethal weapons. Secretly pull out your favorite candies before handing them back to your children.

5. Conduct a full inspection of all Valentine cards your kids receive from school. Assess whether they have a mean girl friend, a stalker, a clinger-on,  a bromance, a new BFF or a gay lover.

6. Stay off Facebook. Do you really want to read about your “friend” whose husband bought her a 3-karat diamond and filled her entire house with long-stemmed rose bouquets?

7. Vertical red and white-striped pants, while festive, will make you look like a circus clown.

8. Do not forward me chain-texts that have hearts made out of parentheses and wish me a Hpy Vlntns Dy.

9.Shower early in the morning, to be ready in the unlikely event that the FedEx or UPS man have a fab gift that is being delivered.

10. Go ask Starbucks why they don’t make a special Valentine’s Latte.  When they have no good answer, place pathetic look on your face. Hope they give you a free lemon pound cake or mocha for your trouble.

Enjoy the day!


Patti February 13, 2011 at 8:15 pm

LOL….oh that made me laugh! Thanks for that! =)

Beth Zimmerman February 13, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Thanks for the giggles. I’m not sure which point I appreciated most. They were all great!

RottenMom February 13, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Perfect Tips. The way Valentine’s day should be celebrated. Kludgy Style!

Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli February 13, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I am spared the Valentine’s boink. My beloved is leaving me for curling. I can hardly stand the romance.

JDaniel4's Mom February 13, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Great list! My husband came through with the rose today. He said he didn’t want to get picked over roses tomorrow. I love having them a day early.

Pizza Hut is making our special Valentine’s meal. My two year old is thrilled.

Brittany at Mommy Words February 13, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Ah perfection Gigi but how to boink when the babysitter gets here and not after she leaves.? This must take some ind of nerve that I do not possess. I got tulips yesterday and have been forewarned that the uber romantic iPad I have been not subtly begging for will not be coming. I was really only using Valentine’s day to get one. I will have his undying love though, which is pretty awesome.

Yuliya February 14, 2011 at 1:15 am

oh sweetie, in the car on the way to the restaurant…I sound like I’m solving a game of CLUE

Morgan B. February 13, 2011 at 10:59 pm

#1 is my fave. So funny Gigi!

Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole February 13, 2011 at 11:09 pm

You are too good to us, really. These are all so helpful!

Sandra February 13, 2011 at 11:38 pm

haha! Starbucks will NOT give you anything for free, no matter how pathetic a puss you put on! You won’t even get extra fricken foam for free there.
As for the before dinner Valentines boink…do I have to? My plan is to get my husband so intoxicated that I can get OUT of boinking. That the night he goes all Rico Suave on me and take FOREVA! Like I have that kind of time! I’m a blogger! I need to blog. Let’s get this show on the road buddy!
As for confiscating the children’s Valentines Day treats, so on that one!
You’re fantastic!
I know I say it a lot, but it’s because I truly love coming here!

Yuliya February 14, 2011 at 1:16 am

Number two is an appropriate tip anytime, not just V-day, and 10 is genius, why DON’T they have a special drink? Starbucks Marketing Department are you listening?

Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation February 14, 2011 at 1:20 am

LOL!! I especially like the Facebook one. I know some bitch I know is going to get diamonds!

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity February 14, 2011 at 7:12 am

Number 2 is hilarious . . . and brilliant!

Now . . . what to do with the kiddies??

Jackie February 14, 2011 at 8:15 am

I’m hoping that all my Facebook friends are losers like me & won’t get a house full of flowers and diamonds.

Oh… and there’s no fancy dinner out tonight for us. We went to dinner Saturday with our two youngest kids at the Chinese buffet! High class there! I bet you’re jealous now!

Uyen February 14, 2011 at 8:24 am

You’re hilarious! LMAO at #2! Have a great Valentines Day!

Alexandra February 14, 2011 at 8:25 am

Oh, Geeg…you have been on lately. Every post, I’ve been loving.

I’m laughing so I don’t cry: the familiarity of the last dead budget bouquet finding it’s way to my home? Just to painful.

The truth hurts.

I love this one.

Ilana @ mommyshorts February 14, 2011 at 8:36 am

I think I already screwed up that early shower thing. I’m gonna hop in now before I ruin the day altogether.

Nina February 14, 2011 at 8:56 am

Ha!! love, love, love #6!

Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop. February 14, 2011 at 9:28 am

I always love your lists!!! I think the FB advice is the best!!! So very true. I hate big FB braggers.

MommaKiss February 14, 2011 at 9:42 am

My husband likes my stench.

Also? We started this 3 day ‘cleanse’ of sorts. Fruits, veg and water. Only. WHY did we start today???? There’s candy EVERYWHERE!

Poppy February 14, 2011 at 9:56 am

I will not be gracious with grocery store or roadside flowers. If they aren’t devliver or in a vase, he will be beaten about the head and shoulders and then I will hand him a broom and a mop!

Mrs. Jen B February 14, 2011 at 10:22 am

Love it! All about getting the “business” out of the way before eating – it just makes sense!

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points February 14, 2011 at 10:24 am

Believe it or not, one of the biggest bones of contention between me and husband 1.0 was that he wold get me red roses, and I don’t like them.

How bitchy am I, yes?

It was difficult to explain without coming off absolutely wretched. But I’ll try. AGAIN.

I don’t like red roses. Don’t know why, just not my thing.

But the first year or two that I got them, I was just overcome with the love of the gesture. I got roses! Delivered at work! It was the nicest thing ever!

Years pass, and I mention – when it is not awkward or ungrateful sounding – that while the red roses are nice, I would really LOVE white roses, or pink roses, or tulips. That those are my favorites and it would be wonderful to get a bouquet of those.

And year after year, red roses.

And after a while, the “I’m always supposed to give you A for effort” expectation, regardless of whether or not the effort had anything to do with things I liked or appreciated, or if the gesture itself was nothing more than a token for which he expected to get full credit was just too damned much.

And the place where it seemed the most obvious was with those damned red roses.

(Also, getting a Phish CD as my very first Mother’s Day Gift.)

Eventually I was exhausted of needing to treat gifts and gestures from my husband the same way I was supposed to treat the gifts and gestures from my four-year-old, and that is “love them no matter what, because even a piece of junk is special when given from the heart.”

After 13 years I expected a gift to have some thought behind it.

The man I am with now gets the thought part.

liz February 14, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Wow, Lori has a marathon comment! :)

All I wanted to add is that I’m pretty surprised the marketers at Starbucks haven’t created a special latte drink.

Lady Jennie February 14, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I’m with you on number 8.

Jessica February 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Love this. Currently praying the doorbell rings with a flower delivery so I don’t get my typical, last arrangement at the grocery store flower gift.

The Flying Chalupa February 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I hate “friends” like that! Bitches, all of ’em. But what are you saying about my striped pants? I plan on wearing them to BlogHer.

Booyah's Momma February 14, 2011 at 7:08 pm

OK, now I’m not so peeved at you for posting that delicious looking Valentine’s Day dinner on your previous entry. Only you can use the word “boink” and make me laugh out loud. You are redeemed in my eyes. Like you were worried. :)

Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds February 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm

#2 is the best! Getting the boink on before eating gas inducing foods is the key to our happy marriage!

Sherri February 16, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Oh, I love me some conversations hearts! Even if the print is getting smaller.

And the whole boink-before-dinner-idea? You are onto something there, Gigi. Keeping that flat-ish tummy and feeling all sexy doesn’t really work when I really want the dessert.

Hope your Valentines Day was all that!

Leigh Ann February 23, 2011 at 11:48 am

Facebook was way annoying on Valentines Day. And every other day. I’m glad I finally convinced my Hubs that I didn’t need “something” for Valentines Day. I did not, however, successfully inform him (telepathically) that I really wanted a pedicure.

Absence Of Alternatives March 1, 2011 at 5:28 pm

You didn’t say whether Starbucks did give you lemon poundcake or not?!

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