I have some tips for getting the most out of your Valentine’s Day. Enjoy.
1. If you’re trying to hide your Valentine’s Day candy intake, don’t eat those conversation hearts. They leave a telltale residue on your hands and face that some might mistake for your best Lindsay Lohan impersonation.
2. Consider getting your Valentine’s boink on before heading out to dinner. That way you can indulge in gourmet bean burritos, cream-based desserts or other fart-inducing foods without disappointing your husband later on with your stench.
3. Be polite when you receive flowers from your husband, even if they’re the last pathetic pot of dying orange mums from the grocery store.
4. When your children bring home their Valentine treats from school, immediately wrestle them from their grasps. Insist that you must inspect all goodies for staples, razor blades and other lethal weapons. Secretly pull out your favorite candies before handing them back to your children.
5. Conduct a full inspection of all Valentine cards your kids receive from school. Assess whether they have a mean girl friend, a stalker, a clinger-on, a bromance, a new BFF or a gay lover.
6. Stay off Facebook. Do you really want to read about your “friend” whose husband bought her a 3-karat diamond and filled her entire house with long-stemmed rose bouquets?
7. Vertical red and white-striped pants, while festive, will make you look like a circus clown.
8. Do not forward me chain-texts that have hearts made out of parentheses and wish me a Hpy Vlntns Dy.
9.Shower early in the morning, to be ready in the unlikely event that the FedEx or UPS man have a fab gift that is being delivered.
10. Go ask Starbucks why they don’t make a special Valentine’s Latte. When they have no good answer, place pathetic look on your face. Hope they give you a free lemon pound cake or mocha for your trouble.
Enjoy the day!