Tips For Returning Home from Solo Trips: Tuesday Tag Along

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This past weekend, I traveled to my homeland, Chicago, for a family event. I went alone because a) it was too expensive to fly my husband and kids and b) the idea of sitting with my two children inside a cathedral for a 3 hour Catholic Mass sounded about as relaxing as watching an episode of Nancy Grace.

I don’t travel without the fam nearly ever, and I assume that most of you moms don’t either.  So I thought I’d post a handy guide on what to expect when you return from a solo trip. Just so there are no surprises and no disappointments. Let’s get right to it.

Tip #1: Your house will not be as clean as you left it.  Within an hour of arriving home yesterday, I swept the floors, cleaned the kitchen countertops, folded one load of laundry sitting in the dryer, did another load of laundry, de-cluttered my hoarder daughter’s room and re-organized my husband’s shoe area. I’m thinking that someone had a party here.

Tip #2. Expect your kids to be excited to see you for approximately 22 seconds. If you’re lucky. If you have delusions of tear-filled reunions with your children, get over it. Boy Wonder was very happy to see me and told me he couldn’t wait to spend the whole afternoon with me. This is boyspeak for “sweet! I can play Super Mario Galaxy 2 for hours while Mommy cleans the house.” Little CEO was not happy to see me at all. In fact, she was pissed at me for interrupting her playdate.

Tip #3. You had damn well better come home bearing gifts.  This will allow your kids to be excited that you’re home for an extra 10 seconds.

Tip #4. Your kids will complain about their gifts within 5 minutes of receiving them.  Little CEO was incensed that her gift, a collection of thoughtfully chosen and really adorable nail polishes, was something “she couldn’t use all the time” like Boy Wonder’s gift of a Spongebob Activity Pad that I bought in desperation 10 minutes before my flight because I couldn’t find him anything else.

Tip #5.  Your kids will forget that you brought them gifts sometime near bed. At 9 p.m. Boy Wonder came over to me and said, “Um, so, did you remember to bring us a little gift?” I said, “Yes, I did.” Boy Wonder said, “Okay, where is it?” I said, “I gave it to you 4 hours ago.” Boy Wonder stared at me. His eyes rolled up to the sky as he tried to access that part of his brain called Everything Less Important Than Mario Brothers. Nobody answered, by the way. He said, “What was it again?” I said, “Your Spongebob activity pad.” He said, “Oh. Sorry!”  I now call him Boy Wonder because I wonder if I should ban video games from my household.

Tip #6  Know that your kids probably didn’t eat a proper meal while you were gone. Quickly assess the damage. Have your kids been on a) McDonald’s diet, b) carbo-loading with packaged snacks, c) in a donut and dessert coma or d) all of the above? Don’t ask your husband, by the way. He will embellish with tales of fruit plates, oatmeal and mass quantities of water. Your kids will give you the real download. Implement return to normal feedings as soon as possible.

Tip #7. Expect to be asked to put out. Your husband has been slaving away for 2 whole days with your precious kids: cooking, cleaning, bathing, chauffeuring them around. He now feels like he is a better parent than you are. He feels exhausted and really needs a break. He will want payment in full.

Tip #8. All of the above don’t matter when one kid says: “I missed you so much that my heart filled up with missing you and broke in a million pieces.” AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. 

Okay, any other tips YOU’VE learned out there while traveling alone?

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