Foreign languages are tough to learn, but I was exposed to the most challenging one yet a few weekends ago when I was caught up in some malarky.
Timesharespeak.
We went to a timeshare presentation and frankly, I was perplexed by their strange behaviors and malarky language. I started taking notes so that I could then share my translations with all of you. Here are a few conversational phrases you’ll need to know should you ever choose to attend a timeshare presentation.
“Come check out the resort and we’ll give you a day pass for your family to use the whole rest of the day” in timeshare speak means “We will hold you hostage long enough that you will be too exhausted to take your kids to the pool or the mini golf course.”
“The presentation will be about 90 minutes” in timeshare speak means “The presentation will be about 3.5 hours.”
“You’re smart people, you want to maximize your vacation dollar” in timeshare speak means “We think you might be a certifiable dumbass that we can convince to spend money in a foolish way by throwing lots of confusing math at you.”
“Excuse me, I just got alerted that I have a personal referral here that I need to attend to” in timeshare speak means “These jackholes aren’t buying my sales pitch. Bring the second-line salesperson in to relieve me.”
“This isn’t my normal job, I’m in marketing, but they got busy today and I stepped in to help” in timesharespeak means “This is my normal job. That’s why I have been standing around with the other second-line salespeople over at the podium all day.”
“I understand you don’t want to buy. Someone from corporate is here and they would like to get a report card on how our sales team did. Can you spend a few minutes with them?” in timeshare speak means “These jackholes aren’t buying my sales pitch either. Bring in the faux corporate suit to relieve me.”
“We have a time-honored tradition here at Shady Time Resorts of announcing our newest member. Welcome Varleen Sims, who came all the way from Muckety Junction, Texas to buy herself a vacation today!!!” in timeshare speak means “Another assclown just gave us $15,000 and didn’t even think to try to get a lower price.”
“So how did your salesperson do today?” in timeshare speak means “I know you haven’t bought from those other two salesbots. Let me slash the price by 2/3 to see if I can convince you.”
“Scratch off your ticket and you can win either $500 cash, a $1500 shopping spree or a 6 day/5 night island getaway” in timeshare speak means “You’re going to win the getaway because no one wins an actual prize. The getaway will be so impossible to book that you’ll never take the trip and we’ll never have to pay for it.”
As you can tell, there was so much malarky going around in this presentation that I could barely see straight. Fortunately, we ended up NOT buying a timeshare. It ended up being a day of a lot of laughs, though!
This timeshare-speak-to-English Dictionary will be available soon via e-book right here on KludgyMom.
I’m playing in Word Up, Yo this week with Mommy of a Monster, Belle, Bean and a Chicago Dog and Taming Insanity. Use the word of the week and try to be a made man in the Nerd Mafia!
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{ 49 comments }
LMAO OMG you nail this one in the head! Hahahaha I’m still crackin up so bad. My favorite gotta be the free pas thing.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Something&8217s Gotta Give
H & I always get invitations to attend these talks regarding timeshares. We always decline because we can’t see ourselves sitting around for “90 minutes” listening to a lecture. Plus I hate it when cell phone people and kiosk people stop me for a minute at the mall. How much worst this would be?
MamaOnDaGo´s last [type] ..Tales of a Food Porn Addict
I always hear about people going to those pitches, but we haven’t done it yet. I don’t think I have the patience. And I’m afraid dh would get sucked in.
I’m laughing so hard because this is totally true. I remember storming furiously out of one of those “90-minute” “no-pressure” presentations.
TheKitchenWitch´s last [type] ..Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Muffins
I would have liked to see the expression on your faces with all this malarky going around.
Kerry´s last [type] ..The Common Sense Patrol
o.m.g. I’ve been to one of those. It’s like they are going to gun you down if you don’t buy. Honestly to god, I was my normal dazee self (you know, say it like it is) and got the hell out of dodge
Donna´s last [type] ..Saturday Six 8710
Oh, GIGI! THis was fantastic, you have to submit it somewhere. Have you ever gone to Errant Parent? This is so good…..SO GOOD!!!
Alexandra´s last [type] ..Mamapedia Post Today
ah – this was fantastic – you should’ve seen my face while reading it – had a good laugh!
Claudia´s last [type] ..160 – Broken pottery
I’ve been to that country.
They lost our luggage.
Although I never did figure out how to ask for the bathroom.
We almost died.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last [type] ..Go! Now!
If you have ever, ever been to a timeshare presentation you know that it IS a bunch of malarky! And you nailed it, Gigi! Too funny….glad you didn’t buy!
Sherri´s last [type] ..Handing out Awardsfor free!
This post was a barrel of laughs! Your translations are perfect and hilarious. Thank you for sharing this with us! Glad you didn’t buy into it.
McKenzie´s last [type] ..My first Sunday smiles!
So funny! I could have used your translation when we did this a few years back…ugh! But we actually DID get a great deal on the resort we stayed at. Nonethelss, yes a bunch of malarky!
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)´s last [type] ..Monday Morning Mamas
I’m glad we’ve never suffered through this, however, I did used to be one of “those” (sales)people for a resort. I’m so pleased to call myself bilingual now. Haha.
The Drama Mama´s last [type] ..ISO- The Uninterrupted Nap
All I can say is “woah!”
Hope you at least got to go to the pool.
Miss Welcome´s last [type] ..Technical Difficulties- and Kludgy Mom
Gigi, you are too much! I can just imagine the presenters seeing you furiously taking notes thinking, “Oh wow. That lady is REALLY interested. This oughta be an easy sell!”
Did you at least get something free out of the presentation?
Pop´s last [type] ..Merciful Monday- 8910
I was TOTALLY taking notes, my husband and I had a good laugh over it because there was SO much good blog fodder. I couldn’t even fit it all into a post.
Malarky is a funny word
We’ve been to a timeshare presentation and they always sound soooo good. Luckily for me, hubby has a good head on his shoulders and isn’t easily wrangled into bad deals like I am!
Natalie´s last [type] ..Hand-Me-Downs
I love both the use and non-use of malarky.
It sounds like it was a rather painful experience. I love the translations, though. I know a few people who have fallen for the schpiel, and it wasn’t pretty!
liz´s last [type] ..It All Started with Some Bacon&8230
Since we live in Florida, we are the Shady Timeshare capital of the world. You cannot walk down the beach without getting accosted by their jackals.
We spent an entire day, a whole day of our life, at the Disney Timeshare one time. And like everything in Disney, it’s a magical place where they kept the kids busy with magical kid things and they gave us magical Mickey snacks and they almost, almost had us with their magic until the very end, when the spell was broken. You spend approximately one million, trillion dollars on a time share and you don’t even get to keep it! Once you die, it goes back to Disney instead of being passed on to your kids. I would expect to own it after sinking my entire fortune down their magical Mickey hole.
joann Mannix´s last [type] ..Im In My Red Dress And Feeling WOW
maybe you should check out the timeshare we went to. Your kids actually inherit this one when you die.
Of course, it’s not in Disney. And it’s yucky.
It is one of my great fears in life that I will become accidentally involved in one of those. I’m not sure how it will happen, but I fear it.
Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last [type] ..Look at what he got himself for his birthday!
This is hilarious. My parents are notorious for going to timeshare presentations just to get the free gift and they’ve been stuck in some pretty sticky situations. I am going to forward to my mom. She’ll love it!
Lucy @ lucille in the sky´s last [type] ..from the perspective of a 4 year old
Been there, done that, in Vegas! We did end up with a free show though and a few 1/2 price show passes. Took up about 4 hours of our day so we were kind of ticked. The one word you need to translate from our language to theirs is : “NO”. It could be something like “No you azzclown I am not buying your crap so get me back to my hotel”.
lori´s last [type] ..Getting to Know You First Sunday in August
Free show in Vegas would be worth it!!! I’d be all over that one!!!
In Europe there was a time if you went to places like Greece or Turkey or Cyprus you’d be accosted by people with these “inviting” offers but everyone knew going to one would mean spending the entire day hearing a sales pitch. Hilarious post however. I don’t think enough people have read your BlogHer post, I am seeing far too many “wish I had been there” posts
Aging Mommy´s last [type] ..Tough Love- When Being a Parent Means Saying No
We’ve been to time share pitches before that were much less invasive and annoying. This beat all!!!
I’m so impressed that you had the patience for it!
I would so rather eat knives.
Blair@HeirtoBlair´s last [type] ..Renewed
This makes me think of Doublespeak from 1984. George Orwell must have predicted timeshares.
KLZ´s last [type] ..You Say Its Your Birthday
I love this post! My husband and I almost got trapped into going to one of these once and your experience sums up exactly what I thought it was going to be! Thanks for the laffs and the timeshare vocab lesson!
<3MaryAnne
Oh and I love your ‘malarky’ use for the Word of the Week contest!
MaryAnne´s last [type] ..An open letter to Dr Laura
Fantastic! Probably not for you (having to sit through that), but definitely for me (getting to laugh my butt off while reading it!) Well well done!
Leanne´s last [type] ..Born to be Wild
Glad they didn’t wrangle you. Your translations are awesome!
Jean Has Been Shopping´s last [type] ..The Good- The Bad- and The Ugly
I can’t wait to download it! Will it be free or should I start saving up some cash? I’ll skip my pedi this week…don’t make me do it…
Jessica´s last [type] ..All the drinkin’ ladies! Put’cha hands up…
So that’s a no from you, then?
Bethany´s last [type] ..Walk a Mile – The Life of an Army Wife
that would be a no, for sure.
So true!
I’d be running out of the building and screaming after the 3rd hour of all that crap.
Sara @ Tedious Life´s last [type] ..I’m a horrible blogger!
That’s hilarious! I “won” a kid’s bicycle a while back. The catch? The company would come to me to do an in-home presentation on fire safety. We still haven’t claimed the bike.
Mungee’s Ma´s last [type] ..Cancer Sucks
This is classic, and so true. Even with the free food and drinks they throw at you, the couple that I’ve been to have left me feeling like those were three hours of my life that were completely down the drain.
Booyah’s Momma´s last [type] ..The day he kicked me out of the house
So have you actually ever stayed at a timeshare?
I am in love with them.
Some are better deals than others. It is obvious that it is buyer beware out there.
Of course it is better to get a referral from a time share owner. That way instead of a day pass you get a 2 day 3 night stay for free.
Sorry you feel jipped I am sure you would have spent those 3.5 hours doing something much more fun like relaxing.
Heidi Walker´s last [type] ..BAM! Just like THAT!
Hilarious! I remember sitting through one of these in Vegas once – was EXACTLY the same verbal hooblah.
DING DING DING DING DING! YOU NAILED IT! Omg. This is hilarious. yet true. So it is actually not funny any more because it is scary. Those timeshare people are scary. I think the used car salesmen have nothing on these people. NOTHING.
subWOW´s last [type] ..“How to Be Alone”
Your translation abilities boggle the mind – spot on.
Some good friends of ours gave our name to their timeshare group because they want us to be able to come along with their fun.
They’re still digging themselves out of that hole
Ash´s last [type] ..Parents of children under four not admitted
P.S. I got an offer for a “free cruise” in the mail today
Mungee’s Ma´s last [type] ..To Cut or Not to Cut That is the Question
Sounds torturous… are you allowed to get up and leave, or do you have to sit there and repeat NO for hours?
At least you got a funny post out of the experience.
Mrs.Mayhem´s last [type] ..Quietly
Hey, anything with this much “blog fodder” is worth going to! My husband and I went to one about 10 years ago, and I felt like we were being asked to join a cult…
yes. Cultish would be an excellent way to describe the experience.
LOL! Too funny. I’ve never actually made it to one of those presentations. They always give me the heebie jeebies when they try and convince you to attend. I’m so glad you went and brought back the field reports. Now I don’t even have idle curiosity to push me
Chef Eureka´s last [type] ..The little beast within us all- Anger
Wow, you make me want to go and have my own fun! This sounds even better than buying a used car! I wonder how long they keep you if you bring your kids and let them run around everywhere like maniacs. It sure would be a good way to test the patience of their sales people…
i love that you took notes – i would have done the same thing. and i’m revealing the alabastard of the week tomorrow! thanks for participating!
ericka @ alabaster cow´s last [type] ..a story
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