I Hate My Jeans: A Darwinian Classification of Denim

by Gigi Ross on February 3, 2013

Photo Credit: Flickr {bradleygee} under Creative Commons


I know I’m not the first to write about this topic.

But I’m so over my jeans. Where is the perfect jean?

SICK and TIRED of not having one SINGLE pair of jeans that are kick ass in every way.

Every flipping pair I own has at least one problem or another.

I’m at 100% failure rate on the 20+ pairs of jeans I own.

I decided jeans deserve their own Darwinian classifications. Just like animals and blog commenters.

Here’s what I’ve got:

Jeanus Acidwashicus: jeans which otherwise fit well, but the rinse is from more than three years ago. Known to incite comments such as “Flock of Seagulls called. They want their jeans back.”

Jeanus Saggentius: a species of jeans whereby the crotch sags and fails to rest comfortably in the hoo-hah area. Results in a chronic condition known as Hikeupicus Your Pantsius, which is akin to having a Turret’s Syndrome-like tendency to pull your pants up by their belt loops once every 2.7 minutes.

Jeanus Mesolacunas: denim which is too large to surround the waistline area, causing a large gap. When squatting, this species suffers from the Slot Machine Disease (also known as Plumber’s Crack), whereby a quarter can be easily dropped in between one’s buttocks and the general public is able to determine whether you are wearing a lacy thong or granny panties.

Jeanus Sausagis: jeans whose thigh area is entirely too tight, resulting in the squeezed look of a stuffed sausage, with the thighs protruding more than one inch beyond the hips. Slang term: skinny jeans.

Jeanus Dwarficus: jeans that fit in the waist, thighs and buttocks area, but are just short enough to fail to cover the tops of one’s shoes or make one look like an assclown when wearing stilettos.

Jeanus Longa: jeans that fit in the waist, thigh, and buttocks area, but are are long enough to be wrapped around one’s shoes, as if a legwarmer. Frequent usage results in Bunchy Ankle Syndrome. Jeanus Longa may also be used in the wild as a dust mop on hardwood floors.

Jeanus Gluteus Amplus: jeans that just make your ass look freaking huge. This is due to a genetic mutation in the pocket. Typically this mutation manifests itself in a pocket that is the incorrect shape, too big, too small, or otherwise defective.

Jeanus Gluteus Longa: jeans that make your ass look freaking long. Or flat. In this species, the genetic mutation previously referenced is limited to pockets that are too small or placed too high on the seat of the denim. May also result in Matrus Denimica (mom jeans).

Jeanus Altus Mesa: an ancient species of jeans; waistline sits above navel and, in some extreme instances, reaches up to the rib cage or the lower breast. This species was marked on the endangered list in approximately 2001. However, recent attempts at breeding in captivity have resulted in an increase in this species’ population in the last few years. See Jessica Simpson.

Jeanus Camelus: Jeans in which the crotch area is fitted too tightly against one’s hoo-hah, thereby revealing a denim silhouette of one’s labia. This species is frequently sighted in topless bars, on episodes of Montel Williams, in areas of the United States known as Redneck Country, and on mothers who still believe their pre-pregnancy jeans will fit them.

Jeanus Crustulum: denim species in which the waistband is fitted too closely to the body, resulting in a puffy, sagging overlay of skin to hang over the waistband. Slang term: muffin top.

Jeanus Jocale: this species of denim is known for its outlandish decorative stylings, such as crystals, sequins, studs, grommets, or other bedazzled items. Called the “peacock of denim,” most humans acquire this species after watching too many episodes of The Karsdashians or the Real Housewives of Orange County.

Jeanus Colorus Mal: this denim is dyed a specific color. The species is typically spotted on the Clearance Rack and appears to be a bargain, but most humans discover that upon bringing this species home, it conflicts with every blouse species in one’s closet and therefore lives in isolation.

I’ve got at least ONE pair of every species of denim. But all I really want is Jeanus Perfectus. Jeans that don’t show my crack, fit in the waist, don’t give me a camel toe, sausage thighs or a long ass, fit the shoes I’m wearing and are the right rinse. AND cost under $100.

This is why people wear yoga pants.

About the Author

I'm a blogger, wife, mom of 2, Jason Mraz fangirl and social media geek - not necessarily in that order. I write about parenting, lifestyle stuff, technology, social media and pop culture.

{ 30 comments }

Renee Schuls-Jacobson February 3, 2013 at 6:25 am

And this is why When I find a fabulous pair of jeans, I buy three pairs. I had been buying jeans from Express. They fit me perfectly. And then they discontinued them. I wanted to cry.

I am currently searching for that same fabulous fit.

And I’m not buy anything until I find what I’m looking for.

These are dark days.

Great post. Hilarious. I laughed out loud when I read the word “labia.” That word always makes me laugh. And yet, as we all know, camel-toe is no laughing matter. :)
Renee Schuls-Jacobson´s last blog post ..Decorating The Happy House: Part I

Kim@Co-Pilot Mom February 3, 2013 at 7:02 am

For me, shopping for jeans is on par with the horror of shopping for bathing suits. It is almost impossible to find a pair that fits perfectly. And then when you do find a style that you like, they are discontinued by the next time you go looking. Yoga pants are easier, for sure!
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom´s last blog post ..Oh, Canada! My Inner Voice is American

Katie February 3, 2013 at 9:31 am

Dude. “revealing a denim silhouette of one’s labia.”. I just spit out my coffee. Through my nose.

My problem is this: I can find something that fits my waist but makes it look as though a load was deposited in the butt area. OR I can find a pair that make my ass look bangin’, but I can’t breathe because they are so tight around my waist. Plus I can’t be seen out in public in the because I have such puffy muffin-top that I look like an over-stuffed sausage.

Plus brands like GAP and Old Navy whom I used to LOVE, have gotten all cheap-material and it stretches out and looks all mom-jean-butt after one wear.

If you find awesome jeans for less than $100, CALL ME.
Katie´s last blog post ..Project 365 {week 5}

Amy February 3, 2013 at 10:18 am

Yes! I just wrote a post about my current trend of constantly donning workout clothes, trying (and failing) to pass it off as an attempt to get more exercise.
If I had just one pair of jeans (OK, ideally, 3 pair) that fit well, I would make so much more of an effort. But instead, most days, I wear yoga pants.
This was hilarious, thank you!

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes February 3, 2013 at 10:45 am

Because I’m so freaking short every jeans is a jeanus longa for me.
This is genius! And sadly all to accurate.

Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice February 3, 2013 at 11:38 am

This is why I only buy thrift store jeans now. They’ve already shrunk, stretched out, and sagged where the will. If they fit today, they’ll fit after a dozen washes (at least, if I stay the same). And if I decide I hate them, they were cheap so I can get rid of them without guilt.
Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice´s last blog post ..How Do I Decide? Self-Publishing vs. Traditional Publishing (A Field Guide for Authors) | REVIEW

Connie February 3, 2013 at 9:26 pm

I vote yoga pants for sure. But as far as jeans are concerned, I usually end up buying a pair, loving them, then wearing them and discovering The Flaw (because there’s always a flaw.) Then I have to start all over again (sigh…)
Connie´s last blog post ..Try Weekly Meal Plans updated Sat Jan 5 2013 5:01 pm EST

Kate @ Mommy Monologues February 4, 2013 at 7:51 am

My FAVORITE pair of jeans are the skinny jeans from LOFT. They’re only $59.95 too. ;) They have other styles if you aren’t that big of a fan of the skinnies.

I’m in LOVE with their clothes, their pants are sooo comfortable. Pretty sure my entire wardrobe comes from there.

Good luck on your search!
Kate @ Mommy Monologues´s last blog post ..Myasthenia Gravis + Jewelry Giveaway

Tracie February 4, 2013 at 8:45 am

This is so true. I’m still on the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans.
Tracie´s last blog post ..Yes, Please, Tea For Dessert

Chris Carter February 4, 2013 at 8:59 am

OH this is HILARIOUS!!!!! I absolutely HAVE EVERY ONE OF THESE SPECIES OF JEANS TOO!!!! SO true!!! What WILL we do?? Yoga pants ROCK. Lets leave it at that… :)
Chris Carter´s last blog post ..Momtor Monthly Post…

Megan February 4, 2013 at 9:37 am

My post-baby belly made jeans impossible- when your waist is bigger than your hips nothing stays on. And i mean that as i have no hips at all rather than I’m fat, but that is a close second.
I wont even go into my battle with maternity jeans except it is a circle of hell.
Megan´s last blog post ..Vicious cycle of baby preparedness

Lea Ann February 4, 2013 at 10:10 am

Absolutely hilarious! I do the same as Renee. When I find a good one, I buy several and stash them away. When one wears out, I have the exact replacement that I know I’ll love already. Will be sad when my stash finally runs out.
Lea Ann´s last blog post ..Yogurtland giving away free frozen yogurt today.

Debra February 4, 2013 at 10:39 am

Haha! I loved this post. I was like you, so many jeans….until I found “my” jeans – which are from Chicos….their Platinum Denim line and I buy them in every color. I love them!
Debra´s last blog post ..Meet This Chica!

Jackie February 4, 2013 at 12:50 pm

I will say that I don’t have colored jeans… I tried them on and I swear that the bright color accentuated every single flaw that I have. I ripped those babys off faster than humanly possible…. they’re on a clearance rack now I think.
That aside I can’t find that perfect pair of jeans and after reading a couple of blog posts I closely examine the pockets to see how bad they really look!
Most of mine look terrible.
Jackie´s last blog post ..Monday Menu – Challah Bread

Valerie February 5, 2013 at 10:43 am

I feel your pain! I have a few pairs of Jeanus Saggentius. After trying on an insane number of jeans, I discovered Delia’s. I still can’t believe I found a perfect fit in a store for teenage girls. The best part is that you don’t need to have a perfect body to find a good fit. There is a great selection and if I remember correctly, all jeans are under $60.
Valerie´s last blog post ..Friends? Take a Number.

Lady Jennie February 5, 2013 at 11:27 am

This is so funny! Mine keep falling, and not because they’re too loose but because they have too much lycra. Hmm.
Lady Jennie´s last blog post ..Life in the Trenches – Chapter 5

Tracy February 5, 2013 at 12:25 pm

I like Gap Jeans. Because they think I wear a 2. And anyone that thinks I wear a Size 2 is my favorite. Every time.

Valerie February 5, 2013 at 9:12 pm

It has only happened to me once in my life… Finding the perfect pair of jeans, that is. I found them on sale at Old Navy. They were calling to me from the clearance rack. They cost me $6 and fit like a glove. They made my ass look fantastic, and slimmed my thighs. They stretched when I gained a few and shrunk back down when I lost some. They were everything a jean should be. The other day at work, the crotch ripped. Well, not technically ripped,
… More like faded away. I had to buy new jeans… They are not as glorious. They do not make my ass look fantastic, nor slim my thighs.

I can’t seem to let go…

Where do jeans go when they die?

I fear I will never recover from such a tragic loss…

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie´s last blog post ..Oh. Dear. God…. Tomorrow is Monday!!! Bum. Bum. BUUMMMMMMMM.

Julie the WIfe February 5, 2013 at 9:19 pm

A-men. The hiking, the pulling, the shortness, the sausages. I have them all. And the punchline is that no one can tell you who has great jeans, because everyone’s body type is different, so what makes your ass look fantastic makes mine look Trunk-junky. Or flat. With Hoffa, the Holy Grail, and Atlantis lies the perfect pair of jeans.
Julie the WIfe´s last blog post ..Monday Minivan Media

Kathy at kissing the frog February 15, 2013 at 6:21 pm

I thought I was the only one with 20+ pairs of jeans and none that fits properly! I have plenty of the Jeanus Sausagis, Jeanus Longa, and Jeanus Crustulum. Sooo, this is why I loooove the yoga pant!!
Kathy at kissing the frog´s last blog post ..It’s about more than just showing up

chimomwriter February 15, 2013 at 7:57 pm

After years of holding out, I finally bought skinny jeans this year – multiple pairs – and then promptly slapped on 8 pounds. Hence giant sausage thighs. This means I fit best into my jeans that are probably 8 years old, definitely pre-kids, and sink way the heck down.

You nailed the classifications – loved them. If only shopping for jeans wasn’t so painful!
chimomwriter´s last blog post ..Sometimes being brave means listening to your mother

Robin | Farewell, Stranger February 15, 2013 at 9:46 pm

Oh man. I know. I’ve never been one to own a lot of different pairs of jeans – probably because of all that. Right now I have about 8, but they’re not different, really. They’re just different sizes. Sigh.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger´s last blog post ..Explore: Life in Pictures, Vol. 2

Deborah February 16, 2013 at 8:59 am

I’m finding that short of spending a load of money of Citizens of Humanity jeans (which are amazeballs BTW) a god old pair of Levis is the next best thing. And under fifty bucks! Good things in unexpected places…
Deborah´s last blog post ..$10 Awesome Casserole…

MJ February 16, 2013 at 1:17 pm

The last time I had a pair of jeans that fit, I mean REALLY fit, I also had big bangs and braces. Sigh… I’ve all but given up.
MJ´s last blog post ..Sometimes I fancy myself a designer.

Wendy February 17, 2013 at 11:04 am

YES!! I have two identical pair of Gap jeans that are in heavy rotation. But when it comes to dressing jeans up, I’ve got nothing. Too faded, not long enough, too short. All the things you “classified”! And skinny jeans? I look like a penguin. That has more to do with my body than the jean though. So, yea…you can definitely find me in yoga pants while my two pairs are in the wash!
Wendy´s last blog post ..Friday Take Over // When Jackie Grows Up

Twingle Mommy February 17, 2013 at 2:22 pm

Im my prekid days finding the right jean was difficult, now it’s almost impossible. I found a pair from Kohls-Vera Wang and I only bought one pair. DUMB, rookie mistake! I can’t find them anymore. And so the search begins again as I only have 3 pairs of jeans that fit these days. This is what happens when you refuse to buy bad jeans or spend $150 on jeans.
Twingle Mommy´s last blog post ..My Love/Hate Relationship with Valentine’s Day

The Hubby Diaries February 18, 2013 at 6:50 am

Just joined up on your link to old posts and I have to say I LOVE this post. The only one I think you’ve missed is:

Jeanus Rippedupicus – Although, this one seems to apply to men more than women.. or perhaps just MY man. Since he never seems to know the appropriate time to “retire” a pair of jeans. :-)
The Hubby Diaries´s last blog post ..A Pictorial Portrayal Of Our Lives

Mary @ A Teachable Mom February 18, 2013 at 8:07 pm

This post deserves some serious love. This is the definitive jean post (and believe me, I’ve read a lot of them!). Fabulous! I have reject jeans stacked high in my closet and reach for the same Banana Republic jeans over and over again. God help me if they ever wear out! Great post!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom´s last blog post ..Joy In The Tiny Things

Arnebya February 21, 2013 at 8:43 am

Does the perfect jean exist? Is it because perfect is always going to be relative and different for each woman? Screw that. I need a good pair of jeans (or multiple pairs of the same perfect pair) that fit my waist, give me some magical butt increase, and move well when I do. Oh, and please have them not be high as a giraffe’s ass price-wise.

The Loving Parent February 26, 2013 at 2:18 pm

That is such a funny post! Love it. Regret I am the (un)proud owner of several identified species too.
They shall now be made extinct. (jeanocide?)
x
The Loving Parent´s last blog post ..“What can I do to make it better?”

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