I know I’m not the first to write about this topic.
But I’m so over my jeans. Where is the perfect jean?
SICK and TIRED of not having one SINGLE pair of jeans that are kick ass in every way.
Every flipping pair I own has at least one problem or another.
I’m at 100% failure rate on the 20+ pairs of jeans I own.
I decided jeans deserve their own Darwinian classifications. Just like animals and blog commenters.
Here’s what I’ve got:
Jeanus Acidwashicus: jeans which otherwise fit well, but the rinse is from more than three years ago. Known to incite comments such as “Flock of Seagulls called. They want their jeans back.”
Jeanus Saggentius: a species of jeans whereby the crotch sags and fails to rest comfortably in the hoo-hah area. Results in a chronic condition known as Hikeupicus Your Pantsius, which is akin to having a Turret’s Syndrome-like tendency to pull your pants up by their belt loops once every 2.7 minutes.
Jeanus Mesolacunas: denim which is too large to surround the waistline area, causing a large gap. When squatting, this species suffers from the Slot Machine Disease (also known as Plumber’s Crack), whereby a quarter can be easily dropped in between one’s buttocks and the general public is able to determine whether you are wearing a lacy thong or granny panties.
Jeanus Sausagis: jeans whose thigh area is entirely too tight, resulting in the squeezed look of a stuffed sausage, with the thighs protruding more than one inch beyond the hips. Slang term: skinny jeans.
Jeanus Dwarficus: jeans that fit in the waist, thighs and buttocks area, but are just short enough to fail to cover the tops of one’s shoes or make one look like an assclown when wearing stilettos.
Jeanus Longa: jeans that fit in the waist, thigh, and buttocks area, but are are long enough to be wrapped around one’s shoes, as if a legwarmer. Frequent usage results in Bunchy Ankle Syndrome. Jeanus Longa may also be used in the wild as a dust mop on hardwood floors.
Jeanus Gluteus Amplus: jeans that just make your ass look freaking huge. This is due to a genetic mutation in the pocket. Typically this mutation manifests itself in a pocket that is the incorrect shape, too big, too small, or otherwise defective.
Jeanus Gluteus Longa: jeans that make your ass look freaking long. Or flat. In this species, the genetic mutation previously referenced is limited to pockets that are too small or placed too high on the seat of the denim. May also result in Matrus Denimica (mom jeans).
Jeanus Altus Mesa: an ancient species of jeans; waistline sits above navel and, in some extreme instances, reaches up to the rib cage or the lower breast. This species was marked on the endangered list in approximately 2001. However, recent attempts at breeding in captivity have resulted in an increase in this species’ population in the last few years. See Jessica Simpson.
Jeanus Camelus: Jeans in which the crotch area is fitted too tightly against one’s hoo-hah, thereby revealing a denim silhouette of one’s labia. This species is frequently sighted in topless bars, on episodes of Montel Williams, in areas of the United States known as Redneck Country, and on mothers who still believe their pre-pregnancy jeans will fit them.
Jeanus Crustulum: denim species in which the waistband is fitted too closely to the body, resulting in a puffy, sagging overlay of skin to hang over the waistband. Slang term: muffin top.
Jeanus Jocale: this species of denim is known for its outlandish decorative stylings, such as crystals, sequins, studs, grommets, or other bedazzled items. Called the “peacock of denim,” most humans acquire this species after watching too many episodes of The Karsdashians or the Real Housewives of Orange County.
Jeanus Colorus Mal: this denim is dyed a specific color. The species is typically spotted on the Clearance Rack and appears to be a bargain, but most humans discover that upon bringing this species home, it conflicts with every blouse species in one’s closet and therefore lives in isolation.
I’ve got at least ONE pair of every species of denim. But all I really want is Jeanus Perfectus. Jeans that don’t show my crack, fit in the waist, don’t give me a camel toe, sausage thighs or a long ass, fit the shoes I’m wearing and are the right rinse. AND cost under $100.
This is why people wear yoga pants.