I’m completely humbled to have today’s guest write here today.
My friend Galit from These Little Waves is a magical writer, a joyful spirit, a supportive blogger. She may be sick of me commenting on her posts by writing, “That was <<<insert superlative here>>>.” She treats every subject she writes about with such care and meaning, and I know that if you don’t read her already, you will enjoy her.
Galit takes her delicate touch to a sensitive subject today: judging other parents. Galit thinks there is a grace to be found in doing it – and teaching our kids how to do it. I’ve been thinking about this post in the several days since she sent it to me. I’m anxious to hear your thoughts on this lovely post.
My family is a puzzle.
Two whose fingers are laced at my sides, two whose sneakered feet I’m following.
We thread through the relentless crowd, the thick air, the drum beating around the corner, the unmistakable scent of fried food filling every inch between sand tinged gravel to midday sun.
We’re at the State Fair, where Sweet Martha cookies, the saltiest of french fries, and the tallest of slides reign gold.
Between fun and laughter and once-a-year-treats, I people watch.
From behind my sunglasses, I note a white-blond teen.
Her loosened ponytail grazes bare shoulders, her voice is loud, tinny.
She runs between the shape we’ve become so accustomed to, we part to make way.
With muscular, tanned arms she catches a blond, curly haired two-year-old. One moment he’s toddling on bare feet, the next his diapered bottom is scooped into fluorescent-tipped nails.
“Don’t run away!” She edges, their matching noses touching.
They move to the side. We stop, too.
A tall man with earrings and tattoos and a ribbed white tank top wraps one arm around them.
He hands her an overflowing cup of 1919 root beer (truly the best) in one breath, kisses the top of his white blond curls in the next.
She wraps manicured fingers around the glistening cup, takes a long draw, then tips it towards the toddler in her arms.
He sips slowly, licks pursed lips, raises pudgy cheeks, and reaches for more. They laugh together as three, within their own shape that they’re so accustomed to.
My eyes meet Jason’s, we share a Look. Ten years of marriage and teaching and parenting have made these kinds of Looks, a habit.
They walk away, barefoot toddler between them. His pudgy fingers are wrapped around each of their fingers, cigarettes dangle in each of their other, unlaced hands.
From the edge of my heart, I glimpse Kayli’s impossibly brown eyes flicking between this family, and Jason’s and my Look.
***
Oh, judgement. It’s always there, isn’t it?
We maneuver our own Knowing with others’, making sense of Us and Them, within single heartbeats.
We’re wired to do this.
This kind of “judging,” the split second like me or not like me and I would or I wouldn’t, is okay. It really is.
The struggle is finding the grace of “judging,” without seeing ourselves as better.
And that, needs to be taught.
***
Later that night, we sit together on the big bed. Her damp, just washed hair is cool against my arm, our legs crossed in front of us.
We talk about the cheese curds and the baby lambs and the midnight blue suited woman on stilts.
I hedge between leaving this golden moment be, kissing the top of her head, and sending her off to bed with only our own Knowing in mind.
But I don’t.
Because there’s value in discussing the hard, to help maneuver towards good.
“Do you remember the family we saw?” I ask.
She nods, her eyes are open when they meet mine, chocolate to hazel.
So I try to fill in that Open with my heart in the only way I know how. “I think smoking’s bad, worse around kids.” I say.
“And no soda for babies, right?” She jumps on board. (How easily that happens.)
“True. For us.” I say.
Her eyes widen, I push further. “We don’t know their story, it’s none of our business.”
She stays quiet.
“He was cute.” She finally says. “They were happy.”
And this feels like a sweet spot to land, so I do, we do, together.
Galit Breen is a Minnesotan mama, author, and blogger. On any given day you can find her juggling three children, one puggle, one husband, and her laptop. You can find Galit at her blog, twitter, and facebook.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree that no matter what, we will always naturally judge those around us. We will judge others for judging someone. It’s normal, for sure. Like you illustrated, the important thing is what we do when our mind judges someone. It’s important not to let our minds run with it and get emotional. It’s also a great opportunity to teach our children our own values!
Anastasia @ eco-babyz´s last [type] ..Driline Baby Giveaway
Hi Anastasia!
Thanks so much for the note! I couldn’t agree with you more – it’s so not about the “whether,” it’s about the “then what.”
It’s lovely to meet you!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
This is such a wonderful post. I posted today about empathy and wanting that for my children above all else (at least today…) I think this story shows how much you’ve taught your kids about that. Kayli was able to look past the judgement, with the gentle mama-nudge of “for us” to see their hearts and their happiness. Finding a place of empathy is a fine balance to the judgement that happens whether we want it to or not.
angela´s last [type] ..Hope, Empathy, and Choice
I believe with all of my heart that empathy is so where it’s at.
It doesn’t surprise me in the least that it’s what you want for your loves.
Thank you for the words, sweet you!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
I love that you (Galit) discussed with your daughter the actions your family would have done differently than that family, but ended with the freedom to make decisions. I espcially love that Kayli found the happiness in the other family, because isn’t that the most important part?
Caitlin MidAtlantic´s last [type] ..Best Wishes
It is, indeed, what’s important!
Thank you for the note and the support, sweet friend! I so appreciate both!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
You are such a good Mama, Galit, my friend.
Alison´s last [type] ..One On One
Thank you my sweet friend, so so very much. xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Wonderful…. absolutely wonderful.
And true. I find myself judging when I know that I shouldn’t, but it’s hard and I tend to keep it to myself. More than that I often wonder what others are thinking of me and how they’re judging me.
Jackie´s last [type] ..Wordful Wednesday – No Good Pictures
Hi girl!
I’m so with you – two sides to everysingle thing we do! Humbling, yes?
Thanks so very much for your note!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
I teared up on this one (damn you!
. What a lovely story.
I couldn’t agree more with what you said. I take a deep offense when someone is talking a ways about another parent even if I don’t agree with what they’re doing and you hit the nail on the head. It’s not your business. It’s one thing to not agree or to recognize that another does things differently, but it is the air of superiority that really upsets me. I loved how you put this and will definitely be sharing.
Sili´s last [type] ..Fantasy Football: Girls In the ‘Hood!
Hi Sili!
I’m in love with the way you worded the “air of superiority” – that’s so it right there! It’s just never okay to feel that, and make others feel the wrath of it.
Thank you for your words and kindness, so much!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Galit, that is what I love about your parenting. You MAKE AND TAKE the time to explain things to your children. Everything can be a lesson without it making it feel like one. Surrounded by intelligent, thoughtful and caring words, you had your daughter find the negative and the positive in that moment. You should be proud of how your words help your children see the world.
Kristen´s last [type] ..Be A Friend And Stand Up Against Bullying
Ohmyheart, thank you for this. A million times thank you.
{When I was teaching, a professor suggested having a “Good Notes” box – a place to keep kind words to pull out for hard days. This one? Goes in mine.}
One more time: Thank you. xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Ahhh, so perfect. This is exactly it. Different does not equal better or worse, just… different.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Getting Dressed
Thank you for the note and the getting it together-ness, girl I so, so appreciate both!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
After all, happiness is the most important thing…
and no one can agree with every decision another person makes.
I think you did the right thing by discussing this with Kayli. And her reaction proves you’ve been teaching her already…
long before and after a single moment or Look.
Absolutely love that last line, and couldn’t possibly thank you enough for it,
{Thank you, truly.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
So true, we judge. And as I read this piece (described so well) I found myself starting to judge the couple, without knowing them, without having seen them.
It’s my hope that I will be as open with my daughters as you were with Kayli.
And her response? Priceless.
Carolyn´s last [type] ..My Girl
Thank you, sweet friend – for every last word, and every last bit of support.
{I so appreciate both.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
“They were happy.” That got to me. Isn’t that the most important thing? And you’re so right…we don’t know their story. Thanks for writing this really touching post.
Thank you for this note – it’s beyond kind, and beyond appreciated!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Galit – I love seeing you here today and this post is pretty amazing. I find myself silently judging probably more than I’d like to admit. Several times, my 5 year old will catch my husband and I exchanging those glances and he asks, “What??” to which I ignore or respond, “oh nothing.” But I love that you took the time to discuss this with Kayli – I think that that’s something that many of us shy away from because it gets messy and complicated – or at least I do, but you’re sharing such important lessons with your children and with us. Thank you.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf´s last [type] ..5 Spots to Run in San Francisco {Guest Post}
Thank you for this, girl, so much.
I, too, have shied away from the hard stuff – how can we not sometimes? But so worth it for the “big stuff,” right?
I’ll say it again, because it has to be said, thank you, truly.
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
The talking, the time, the understanding and the love … all together embracing diversity of families the world over. We teach our children in our words, our actions and our deeds … you teach yours ever so well xxx
By Word of Mouth Musings´s last [type] ..Write your story, from beginning to end.
Oh my friend, thank you for these beautiful, thoughtful words. They mean the world, especially from you. xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Such a beautiful way with words. Words that are important. I always say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all… I try to teach my children that. It’s okay to have an opinion but not okay to judge.
Susi´s last [type] ..In my neighborhood {Wordless Wednesday}
Thank you so very much for your note, Susi!
{I absolutely love the way you distinguish opinion from judgement. Love.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
So lovely.
Kayli noticed, you noticed that she noticed, and you filled that space of questions for her. I hope I can be as attuned to my children.
And yes, they were happy. I’m so glad that was what struck your little girl most. What a lovely soul she is. Like her mama.
xxx
Angie@TheLittleMumma´s last [type] ..The Little Daily: Hold On
Oh thank you, my sweet-as-pie friend. That means the world to me, from you.
{I aim for attuned; I know you do, too.}
xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Oh I love this – and that family sounded pretty dang amazing. xo
tracy@sellabitmum´s last [type] ..How To Survive The Minnesota State Fair With Little Kids
Thanks so much for the note, you.
{You would have been the one judging me for the flip flops and want of white wine. It’s all good. xo}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
What a beautiful conversation you shared. I try to stick to ‘what feels right’ for our family. While at the same time, always trying to help my children understand that others may choose differently and attempting to keep judgement to a minimum.
Co-Pilot Mom´s last [type] ..The Reason
Thank you so much for the note, and for sharing your words. I love them, they’re perfect.
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Holy crap! This was beautiful and amazing! And oh, so true.
TheKitchenWitch´s last [type] ..A Broken Strand
Thank you so very much! {truly}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
She handled those moments so skillfully! Because, yeah, I’ve certainly done the same thing, but on the other end, I wonder if I’ve ever been appraised with scrutiny. Hmmm…makes me wonder.
Deirdre´s last [type] ..Best Playdough Ever!
Hi Deirdre!
Thanks so much for the note and oh my yes, I’ve thought the same exact thing! It all so goes both ways, doesn’t it?
So very nice to “meet” you!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Ahhh…this is so good, Galit. There is harsh judging and there is the immediate judging. How smart you are to teach your daughter the difference. We all do it but if we take time to think about it and realize that we really don’t know and it is none of our business and what is right for us might not be right for others, well, the world would be a much happier place, wouldn’t it?
AnnMarie´s last [type] ..Infertility Sucks
Amen and hallelujah!
Ahem.
Or in other words – yes. A million times yes.
Thank you so much for your note, sweet friend.
xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Can’t remember how I landed here, but I’m so glad I did! You are right – we all judge, whether we mean to or not. It’s human nature. But what a great skill to take that as an opportunity to teach a child how to do it with grace and maturity, to recognize and respect differences between people, and to teach values. Not saying anything new here, but happy to know others do what we try to do with our own daughter. We often say things like “what so-and-so does at school is not for us to decide” or something similar. Our hope is that our daughter learns all these lessons. The parenting leap of faith… Enjoyed the post and your lovely storytelling.
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me´s last [type] ..Once Upon a Time in Third Grade…
Hi Lisa!
Thank you so much for your words, and in-it-together-ness. I so appreciate both.
And your wording, “parenting leap of faith?” A total and complete gem. Love.
{Thank you again. Truly.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
I almost always judge the smoking. Both of my parents smoked. Smoke. Around us. And I know the things that pushed them to it ,the things that make it hard to quit. Mom will someday. Dad DID for YEARS and then fell back. But I remember being young and telling them to quit. I remember them explaining the concept of addiction. It’s really only recently that I’ve gotten it enough to accept and stop judging.
But I still can’t spend the night at my mother’s house. The one I grew up in and lived in for twenty one years.
I simply can’t bear the smell.
Jester Queen´s last [type] ..Company policy
I so hear you, girl!
{Clearly, my kids got their info from somewhere, right? Gulp.}
Thank you so much for your visit, and your words here! I so appreciate both!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Wow. Simply wow.
It’s so hard to teach our kids our own values sometimes without putting down the choices of others. But you did an amazing job of walking that fine line.
My kids would have been shouting “Hey, those teenagers are SMOKING! Near a BABY!”…and probably more. {Gulp} I’m also used to hearing my kids shout at other kids in the neighborhood, “PUT A HELMET ON!” I’m proud, ashamed, and nervous all at the same time when that happens.
Thanks for sharing. Hi, I’m Leslie. Pleased to meetcha.
Leslie´s last [type] ..Craft Whores – Are You Twisted Enough?
Hi Leslie!
I’m in love with your words – because they ring true. My kids are oh so very clear about my views. My husband would say that they have to be. And I’m not apologetic about that. But it does make me nervous to type that out.
So let’s hold hands and look the other way and call it a day, mmkay?
Thank you for your kind words, and it’s so very nice to meet you, too.
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
I think that affectionate moment between the young family is way more important than the soda – it’s good you caught that.
Lady Jennie´s last [type] ..World Moms Blog: Vacationing With Kids
Thank you for the note, friend, so very much.
{And it doesn’t surprise me in the least how you viewed this.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Very tricky territory. The fact that you stayed in there makes quite an impression on me. I hope I would do the same.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato´s last [type] ..iPPP ~ Inspiration
Thank you for that, girl {so much}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
They notice everything…don’t they? Yes, the judging is everywhere…but a look exchanged between parents is a much different judgment than words shared in anger or criticism. Right from wrong…it’s everywhere, and so are teachable moments.
Practical Parenting´s last [type] ..Won’t Back Down
I love your words and your thoughts and your heart, sweet friend. So very much.
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Ah the judging without Judging.
So hard to teach the difference. At least I thought so…until reading this post.
“for us” “for me”
I will use those words.
Thank you.
Katie´s last [type] ..Project 365 {week 35}
Thank you, girl.
So kind, so generous.
Always.
One more time: Thank you.
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..The Grace of Judging
Oh, Galit. “For us” is perfect.
The way you describe the family does shoe their “theirness”, not wholly different from yours, but different. Your daughter caught their happiness and hearing “for us” let her accept their difference for what is is — difference.
Judging is natural, I think, because it happens so automatically. Even when we don’t voice the thoughts, even when we don’t sigh or roll our eyes, we’re doing it. The things we would never do, the things we’d never allow our kids to do, etc. But teaching our children that differences are what make the world full of beautiful, interesting, different people is what it’s all about.
Arnebya´s last [type] ..Guest Posting at The Kir Corner
Thank you so, so very much for your thoughtful, wise words. They mean the world to me.
{And yes, I agree 100% – difference is there. We shouldn’t ignore it, but we should respect it. Always.}
Thank you again, you!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Mother Daughter Journals
Sounds like you saw a baby who was happy and loved. Maybe the choices regarding cigarettes and soda wouldn’t have been mine, but each year of motherhood makes me less judgmental. What a valuable lesson to pass on to your daughter. Loved this.
Hi Kate!
Thank you so much for your visit and your note and your words!
But mostly, thank you for the “each year in motherhood” line. Ohmygoodness, so true! We all have to go through the early days of Knowing to get to the later days of Learning.
Thank you again for the wise and the kind – I so appreciate both!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Mother Daughter Journals
Galit! Wow!! This is such an excellent approach to an impossible topic . . . how DO we impart OUR values to our children without implying “better.” It is so hard, and you know I struggle with that on certain topics. . . not that I struggle with THINKING my values are better, but I struggle with expressing “different” without implying “better.”
I love your conversation with Kayli. It was perfect.
Nina´s last [type] ..What I’m Loving Now: End of Summer Edition
Thank you so very much for the in-it-togetherness, girl!
Wowsa, do I *ever* appreciate that, and you!
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Mother Daughter Journals
whoa. that was really well written. I think I’m guilty of the looks and the judgements but I try every day to get better. Oprah says when you know better you do better. And I think by posting this, it helps raise awareness for us all that if a family is a happy family,let it be. That’s the most important thing. The end all be all. end of story.
Thank you so very much for every single one of your words.
Especially the ones where you included “Oprah” and “me” near each other!
{And a million yeses – it’s *all* about learning and aiming for better. All.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Mother Daughter Journals
Gorgeous.
There are always lessons in what we see and always two sides. I love the way you presented that to your child and how you parent.
Leighann´s last [type] ..Two Weeks
Thank you for the note, sweet friend!
And oh my, yes – lessons everywhere and always two sides. Always.
xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Mother Daughter Journals
Dear Galit,
Thank you for another beautiful post. What a way with words you have!
I think that there is a difference between judging and disagreeing with someone’s particular ways or habits.
Our children look to us to give them guidance when they are faced with situations they aren’t used to. I feel that it is our job to explain to our kids the way that we do things in our family and why. When they grow up they will hopefully be able to make their own choices and will know reasons for those choices. Hopefully!
Thanks!
Olga
Olga´s last [type] ..What would you like to read about?
What a perfect place to land. Yes, judging is natural; unstoppable. But, as you as so eloquently described, it is how you handle your own judgement that makes it ok. Lovely, as always.
Julia´s last [type] ..What Do You Do All Day?