Last year at BlogHer, I had the pleasure of meeting Ginger of Ramble Ramble. We had a great conversation at one of the BlogHer parties and now, I live within a short drive of her. I can’t wait to get a chance to talk to her in person again! Ginger blogs about everything from her family life to marketing and blogging (a woman after my own heart) and I always find myself reading what she writes and shaking my head in agreement.
Today, she’s guest posting for me around the bonfire, and like everything of hers that I read, I shake my head in agreement. When she sent me this post, I immediately dashed off a “you just described exactly how I feel” email back to her. It’s all about the dream of friendship – what we hope for versus what we might have. It resonated with me, and I’m anxious to hear what you think of it, too.
When I found out about Gigi’s series this summer, I jumped at the chance to participate. Besides the fun of taking over someone else’s blog, I loved the idea of this virtual bonfire where we could share and “talk” like we were a bunch of friends sitting around the flames on a dark, starry night. What better way to get to know each other, and build friendships, right? And that’s when I knew what I would have to talk about.
See, when I was a kid, I had these images of what my life would look like in the future. I would have a job I was good at and loved, a family to dote on, a beautiful home filled with books and sunlight…and lots of friends to brighten my life. In my imaginings, I had those kinds of girlfriends who stopped by unannounced. Who you went to Vegas with for a girl’s weekend. Who you called (this was before texting and email remember) when you fought with your husband or had a bad day at work or just needed a female perspective. Friends for cookouts and camping trips, friends for weddings and baby showers. Friends for bonfire talks. In my head, it was glorious.
Photo Credit: D Sharon Pruitt via Flickr
But the reality is that after multiple cross country moves, several lifestyle changes, and a toddler (and with an introverted nature thrown in just for kicks), my fantasies of handfuls of glorious adult friendships remain just that…fantasies. That’s not to say I’m a complete loser who has no friends at all. I have a small handful of very, very close friends–who all live, at minimum, 10 hours away from me–& I have some lovely local acquaintances. But so far, not many people have made the leap from “someone I know and like” to “someone I need and love.” And perhaps equally as important, maybe I haven’t made the leap from someone THEY know to someone THEY need.
Is it just me, or do the details of life make it SO much tougher to meet girlfriends? I work full time about 45 minutes from my home, I have a toddler, a husband, and, oh by the way, I might need to do laundry on occasion. When is there time to meet people? To try and find a kindred spirit? To make that connection that goes deeper than just “hi, my name is Ginger?” While blowing through the grocery store trying to get all the shopping done before the two year old loses his mind? At the dog park when the dog is going one way and the kid is going another (and neither is where they’re supposed to be)? At Circle K while getting the daily dose of caffeine? At daycare, when all the other parents are in just as much of a hurry to get their kids and get home as I am?
Blogging has been amazing at giving me friends in any number of geographical locations (and for that I will always be grateful), but it doesn’t diminish my want and need for proximity, for people to actually see. I still daydream about friends gathered around on the patio, laughing, grilling, joking about my husband burning the hot dogs (again). I’m not looking for Sex & The City, I’d just love someone I can call up and say “hey, I really wanna go see any movie that doesn’t include things blowing up. You down?” But I worry that at this point all the friendship roles for introverted-busy-mom-with-scheduling-challenges have been filled, and I’m stuck with daydreams and fantasies that will never come to pass.
I never know if I’m utterly alone on this–if everyone else has no problems at all making friends and I’m the only one struggling. I don’t really WANT other people to have the same difficulties, (although it would be nice to not feel like I’m alone in finding this rough) but I can’t imagine that it’s not somewhat common to find it at least a smidge challenging to make friends in this whole “grown up life” thing. So how do we find each other? Because man, of all the dreams I had as a kid, this is the one I really don’t want to give up.
But I’m only 32…it can still happen, right?
Ginger is a book marketing pro by day and a blogger by night. She rambles about figuring out who she is as a woman, mom, wife, and career lady at
RambleRamble, a place she calls a little introspective, a little quirky, and a lot of rambling. Oh, and she spends ENTIRELY too much time on Twitter @rambleginger.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 41 comments }
I think it’s really difficult to make friends as an adult. I have a large circle of acquaintences; I stay at home and belong to a moms’ group. Yet, I tell my husband all the time, it’s like any group of “work” friends, very few of them cross the line from acquaintence to friend. There are a couple that are “real” friends, but they’re still not quite weekend-in-Vegas friends!
angela´s last [type] ..Energy, Personified
It’s such a challenge! I have several local acquaintances but I can’t seem to figure out how it goes to the next level. Between schedules &…life, frankly, it’s just so tough!
I sometimes wonder if an introverted disposition causes me to closely guard “friend” as a descriptor or if it just makes it harder for me to open up to people in a way that fosters deep, meaningful friendships.
I feel like the internet sort of allows us (or forces us, in come cases) to let down our guard a bit in ways that we wouldn’t normally do during a face-to-face meeting. Maybe that’s why so many introverts find solace in online relationships.
I definitely think the internet has helped us introverts to make friends. I adore the friendships I’ve made through this medium–it cuts out the challenge of “getting to know you” in person, that’s for sure. That’s the part I find so challenging, that initial opening up.
But until we find a way to teleport, it’s hard to have all these amazing friendships across the country–but no one to go to a movie with, you know?
There’s always the Netflix “Party” feature on Xbox Live.
You are SO not alone. I often times wish that my best online girlfriends lived in my neighborhood so we could sit around in back yards and chat while the kids played. I miss those day to day activities that friends get to do together. For some reason those things have never aligned for me and I miss them even though I’ve never had them.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Transferring
I’m fond of saying to my online friends “why haven’t we invented teleporters yet?” How nice would that be to have all the connections we’ve made online able to show up in person?!
YES, to all of this! It’s very hard to make friends as an adult. And I’ve been struggling with the whole friendship thing for awhile now because of some changes within my circle of friends…and it’s hard to figure these things out sometimes.
Why can’t we all be sitting around the same pool or campfire or living room, laughing and talking and being friends?? Stupid geography, that’s why.
Why we don’t have teleporters yet is beyond me! Stupid geography.
Gigi, thank you so much for having me here today. I’m so glad we had that chance meeting last year–and now that you’re right around the corner, I can’t wait to see you again!
This whole adult friendship thing is tough. There’s so much we need/want/could use support for, and yet it seems so hard to find it! If only the internet was all local
This is exactly a struggle I am going through right now!! My life took a different path than the majority of my friends and we have drifted. I have not been able to make a deep connection with anyone else yet and sometimes I am so lonely because of it. On the plus side, my husband and I are becoming better friends
Stephanie´s last [type] ..The Memories I Want Captured
I can honestly say that my husband is my best friend…but man, he just can’t do girl talk very well.
It’s hard to watch old friendships change and drift, especially when they leave an absence that isn’t filled by anyone else. I keep hoping that I’ll find that person (or two, if I’m being greedy) that I can find that connection with!
Ginger´s last [type] ..Talking About Adult Friendships Around the Bonfire
What a great post. I can relate! I moved cross-country as well and I still have not created a solid little group of good gf’s. I have the same dream as you. (-; And forget a whole group, I’ll take one or two! The girlfriends I do have are in separate circles so we never have a group together. I was recently in a friend’s wedding out of town (and w/out my hubby and toddler) and barely knew the rest of the wedding party so let’s just say my bff was vodka and club soda for a good part of the night!
But what I did want to say to you is that I truly understand! I don’t know if it helps, but I myself have made a personal effort over the past several months to initiate and maintain more friendships. Like calling and texting and generally just following up or checking in just to say hello. I think it is possible if we make an effort. Will every person be bff material? Probably not, but we’ll never know if we passed up a keeper if we don’t try hard enough. And it really doesn’t take up much time either.
You know, you brought up a great point–there’s work involved in trying to make those connections. It’s HARD, but you have to put yourself out there. I’m admittedly really bad about that, but I know it’s something I need to work on.
Yep, I never thought it would be so hard to find friends when I was a grown up. Part of my problem is that our neighborhood is so small. Sometimes, I wish we could move just to find more friends.
Lynn Kellan´s last [type] ..Write this for me
I’ve never really had much luck with the moving to find friends thing. But maybe I’m just moving to the wrong areas?
You are not the only one with this problem. Especially among working moms. I felt like I had the friend thing together until I went back to work on a schedule and a ton of my SAHM friends basically dropped me like a hot rock
I’m lucky that I have some former faraway friends who all moved around me so now we hang – and have kids the same ages so it works out. But meeting moms and becoming good friends? NOT EASY.
(I’m actually working on a solution to this with a friend, as weird as that sounds…)
Christa the BabbyMama´s last [type] ..A Healthy Shake to Make a Baby Dance
The differing schedules definitely makes things harder. I still lament the fact that I was never able to find a mom’s group locally because they all met during the weekdays
I kept hoping that having the kid in preschool would help, but it’s still been tough.
I’m absolutely over the moon for this post, and couldn’t agree more – our imaginings and reality differ. They just do.
Have you heard of/read MWF Seeking BFF? It’s a nonfiction book chronicling one woman’s quest to find friendships. It’s fabulous! {Nina Badzin wrote a great article about the book and the author blogs, too!}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..So Very Sorry
I DO know MWF Seeking BFF–I actually started reading her blog before her book came out, and I adore the concept behind it. I loved seeing all the things Rachel tried (some were…uh…out of my comfort zone! lol!). I need to revisit her book and blog to maybe get myself back in the swing of things!
I think it is harder finding friends. Through in children and that gets tough. My child has friends and I don’t really enjoy being around some of the parents. I hate to deprive my child of friendship but I don’t want to be miserable either!
Ashley´s last [type] ..Summer Vacation
It’s nice when the kids have friends, but it doesn’t mean the parents are going to jive. There’s a kiddo my little guy is friends with but his parents? SOOOO not people that we mesh with. We’re happy to have them play, but they’re just “X’s parents”, not friends. It would be so much easier if that worked out thought!
On the flip side of this situation, we counted ourselves very lucky that our kids had a couple of good friends who had parents (both the husband and wife) whom we became close to and grew to love…
But now that all the kids are getting older (teenagers – yikes!) their friendships are drifting apart and they’re finding new groups which has been awkward for us adults at times.
How do I tell my good friend that I want to get together with her, but my kids have made other plans? She doesn’t understand and assumes it will be one big get-together.
Ugh.
Bottom line: Being a grown-up is hard. All of it.
And Ginger, I totally get this 100%.
Still, you ARE so very young. So cheers to your dream coming true soon!
(That part might be easier when your children get older. and then other things get harder. dang.)
I call backsies on this grown up thing
Your situation sounds *super* awkward. Like…it makes me uncomfortable to even think of it FOR you. I would hope that she’d be ok even if the kids don’t want to get involved, but finding out…eek!
I keep hoping it’ll get a little easier for me when the kid isn’t a toddler, and we don’t have to fight the terrible twos to do…anything. I have to imagine it’s at least a little easier when you don’t have a tantrum machine with you everywhere. Or at least I can hope!
I totally get this and struggle with this too. It’s such a hard thing to do as we get older and my shyness reasserts itself along with my increasingly hectic schedule. Most of my close friends live far away and I do long to be able to just be there for each other.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf´s last [type] ..Back on the water: Stand Up Paddleboard (SUP)
I also find that it’s so easy to hide behind the busy schedule–as soon as I get uncomfortable in putting myself out there, it’s too easy to default to “oh, I’ve got to go get the kid” or something similar. Which only hurts me, I know…
I have lots of friends and our friendship is going on from schooling life and i observed one thing in that if you have well “”Understanding”" and “”Trust”" with each other then i don’t think so any problem will come in this.
She calls it rambling, I call it something good to listen to.
Yes. It’s hard to find someone who understands us.
Rambling isn’t ALWAYS nonsense–sometimes there’s some good stuff in there
Ginger: this is almost the exact post I was going to submit to Gigi for this series. I realized a long time ago that the who “Friends” (TV show) thing was crap. At least, past a certain age. Once I had a family and a job… well, it just became harder to broaden my circle. So I’ve basically got my same peeps that I’ve had since my son was born. I don’t know when I really added someone new into the equation.
Unlike you, I’m 44. So I’ve made some peace with this. I’m grateful for the people in my life and I worry less about adding tack-ons.
I have one “bestie” who knows everything. The rest are wonderful, but I’m happy for who I’ve got, not who is missing.
Renee Schuls-Jacobson´s last [type] ..Gentle Awakening
Stupid Hollywood with the unrealistic fantasies!
I think it would be easier for me to be at peace with it if I had anyone locally. I’ve never been a “ton of friends” person, usually more of a “one or two friends” person, so it’s not necessarily about growing the circle–but I’d like at least ONE local who I could hang with, you know?
I could cry. I relate to this so much. My closest friends don’t live in going-to-the-movies distance and I miss them terribly.
I have convinced myself that something must be wrong with ME and that’s why I can’t make a friend like that in town. After reading this, I feel a little better – perhaps it’s more a symptom of this stage of life, with little kids. I have a feeling we’re not the only people longing for a girlfriend to have last minute cocktails with, or invite to dinner spur of the moment.
I have nothing wise or helpful to add, but just wanted to say that I get this & I really appreciate you sharing your story!
Missy´s last [type] ..The Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife Crisis!
If anything, all the comments here should let us both know: IT’S NOT US! There’s nothing wrong with us–it’s just tough!
It’s hard to feel the loneliness though, that’s for sure.
*Sigh* this is so true. I’ve always thought it was just me as I see other women hanging out with their posse….I always ask myself, do they work full time? Do they have kids? I think it gets harder as you get older as well – I’ve become much pickier as to who I would want to spend time with since I don’t have that much of it….
Debra´s last [type] ..We’re Having A Party: A Birthday Bash
The picky thing is there for me too. I don’t have a lot of spare time, and I…well, I don’t want to spend it with people that don’t make me happy. Of course, that’s assuming that there are people at all to claim make me happy or not. :-/
Being an introvert makes it so much harder too. As a lot of people head out for a night of fun, we sometimes find ourselves cowering in the corner, or 2 hours later wanting to go home even though you did enjoy the time there…
It’s in how much energy we have, and often times, the things that go on in our daily lives diminishes that energy before we even have time to say “hi” to a person.
Making friends has never been easy for me, but since I moved my life to Sunny SoCal, I’ve had to put myself out there more than any other time in my life. It’s scary.
The introvert thing–yes, yes, YES! It takes energy to be around people, especially when you are in new/unfamiliar situations, and it can be so hard to keep up the work of hanging with people!
I admire you so much for putting yourself out there, I have such a hard time with that!
Love this post. The friendship thing seems like a kind of taboo subject because one can sound like a “loser” or just plain vulnerable and needy. I really do believe that motherhood has a lot to do with making it difficult to find friends. It always surprised me to realize that while I had a toddler always with me, needing me, making it seem as if there was constant noise, I felt lonely. Sure having a kid also put me out there in a way and I met other moms at mommy groups, parks, etc. but that real connection was super elusive. Remember when your best girlfriends found boyfriends/partners and suddenly you realized they were going to love someone more than you? (Or rather in a different way than you.) And they spent all their time with that person especially in the first few months. Well, then you add kids to the mix and your friends (and you) have a group of people that need them, want their attention and take up all their time. No longer are the days where you can just say, feel like a movie? All kinds of arranging has to be dealt with before that can happen and frankly many of the women I know just don’t have the energy to do that. I do have a very few close friends (and sister) that I’m so grateful for and I know they will be in my life always but even seeing them is not as easy as it used to be. So thank you for your great post. It’s a tough and lonely time being a mom – sometimes.
Well, and the hard part too–when you have young kids around, yes, you may meet/hang out with other adults at the playground or park or mall or whatever…but you also aren’t fully “in” the moment with the adults. You always have that other part of you that is watching the kid, so you’re on this split duty thing. It’s no wonder it’s hard to make that connection go deeper!
And oh, the scheduling. The SCHEDULING!
I’m a complete loser with no friends.
Ok, I do have friends, but they’re all online or old friends who don’t live anywhere near where I live now. (My wife has friends AND family here so I’m double-isolated.) If I have a fight with my wife, I’d love to drive to my friend’s house and talk it over with him. He could sympathize with me where my wife was wrong and call me out where I was wrong.
Sadly, driving 3 hours to a friend’s house isn’t an option. And when your best friend isn’t a parent and thus doesn’t understand parental life it makes it even harder. As for the online friends? Well, most of them are friends with my wife also. So complaining to them seems a) tacky – don’t need to spill my private woes in a public forum and b) unfair to them – “Hey, I know you’re friends with my wife too but please take my side in this.”
Whenever I contemplate making new friends, ones that are local to me, I get extremely nervous. It feels like dating and that NEVER went well for me (until I met my wife). So I’ll likely stay local-friend-less for awhile longer.
TechyDad´s last [type] ..Aloha Friday: Time To Post
I’m just trying to stay connected to my old friends, never mind making new ones! Plus the whole couple-friend thing has often been difficult for us. it’s hard for 4 people to all mesh.
oilandgarlic´s last [type] ..Things I Should Do But May Never Get Around To
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