Dear PTA Board,
I just received the email that outlined your plans and activities for this year’s spring carnival. I understand that since we are in the midst of a budget crisis (who isn’t?) this year’s fundraising efforts are more important than ever.
Your activity list is extensive. It’s a veritable potpourri of stuff for the kids to do. The problem is that they are all expensive, which cuts into our bottom line. And you’re asking families, in addition to paying the $25 per child wristband entry fee, to donate additional money to sponsor these activities, individually or as a class.
I propose that we don’t need to spend this much money to make a sizable profit.
I’ve taken the liberty of proposing some substitutions to the fancy-schmancy stuff… so that we can pocket even more money to help our school. Please review my changes below.
Bungee trampoline - $750.00
Substitution: cover the entire school lawn with bubble wrap. Hours of fun. Savings: $600.
Rock Climbing Wall - $650.00
Substitution: have a mime competition. Award small prize to kid who best mimes rock climbing. Savings: $625.
Magnetic Wall - $650.00
Substitution: cover kids in marshmallow fluff and have them run into a brick wall. Fluff sticks to ANYTHING. Savings: $600.
Generator - $550.00
Substitution: the whole carnival will be lit up only by glow-sticks. Savings: $400.
Drink Booth - $550.00
Substitution: take all those water bottles sitting in the school lost and found. Fill them up with ice water. Savings – $550.
Foam Pit - $450.00
Substitution: organize a massive, 500-person game of Smear The Queer. Which we should change to Smear Your Peer. Savings – $450.
Laser Tag - $400.00
Substitution: ask the local police force if we can borrow their tasers for 3 hours. They love helping out at community events. Savings – $400.
DJ - $400.00
Substitution: Get some of the moms drunk and borrow a parent’s karaoke machine. They’ll entertain the troops for HOURS singing Back In Black and I Will Survive. Savings: $400.
Human Gyroscope - $350.00
Substitution: take turns hanging all the children upside down by their feet inside the school gym. Savings: $350.
Video Trailer - $350.00
Substitution: Duh! Tell each kid to bring their Nintendo DS. (this actually eliminates the need for any other activity). Savings: $350
Giant Hamster Balls - $325.00
Substitution: give kids giant pieces of cardboard to slide down the stairs with. Savings: $325.
Booger Wars - $325.00
Substitution: go green. Use real boogers. Savings: $325.
Pitch Burst - $325.00
Substitution: replace it with Jarts. The old school kind! the ones that could kill you! Yeah! Savings: $325.
Gaga Ball - $325.00
Substitution: Show Lady Gaga videos projected from parent laptop on side wall of school. Savings: $325.
Ginormous Boxing Ring - $325.00
Substitution: Pit the school bullies in each class against each other on the baseball field and let them go at it for a winner-take-all Ultimate Fighting Championship. Savings: $325.
Wonderslide - $325.00
Substitution: Lube all the kids up with vegetable oil and let them slide around in the wet grass. Savings: $275
Dunk Tank - $250.00
Substitution: have the 5th graders give everyone swirlies in the boys’ bathroom. Savings: $250.
Face Painter - $275.00
Substitution: Recruit friendly local parolees who need to fulfill their community service requirements. Savings: $275
Caricaturist - $275.00
Substitution: Have the kindergarteners draw pictures of people. They love that shizzle. Savings: $275.
Kiddie Train - $300.00
Substitution: Have contests to see how many kids can be stuffed into the principal’s car. Savings: $300.
Cotton Candy Machine - $150.00
Substitution: Purchase 500 giant Pixy Stix, which have the same sugar content as cotton candy, but only cost 5 cents wholesale. Savings: $125
Sno Cone Machine - $150.00
Substitution: make each family bring one 5 lb. bag of ice. Have an ice throwing war. Savings: $150
I think you’ll agree that by considering a more home-grown approach to the carnival, we will not only save money, but return the carnival to the Americana roots it is grounded in.
Thank you for considering my proposal.
Sincerely, Gigi Ross
—————-
Today’s Kludgy Facebook 500 blogger is…Chantelle (love that name) from Mom Went Crazy! Mom Went Crazy is a blog about a Canadian mom trying to work, raise kids and tackle laundry all before bedtime. On Mom Went Crazy you can expect funny anecdotes, heart warming stories, and the weekly feature Conversations With My Kids.
Here’s her Facebook page…go have a look! 
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 33 comments }
omg, what they have planned is so over the top. Fun yes, but $25 per child to enter and then asking people to donate on top of that. For anyone with 2 kids like yourself, it’s a $50 commitment just to let your kids go.
Excellent suggestions, but you missed an obvious one on the generator. Could be replaced by the manic energy of that many kids being over stimulated and in one place at one time.
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It’s no wonder they have to charge $25 per student. This is so they can attempt to break even on the cost of all the inflatables. It appears as though the inflatable company did not offer a package deal price. Perhaps shopping around and forcing companies to compete for the business would have driven the overall price down tremendously. To start in the hole like this is tough. I sure hope this cost is made up somehow; however $25 just to get in is approaching amusement park admission fee prices where you would get a whole lot more for your money.
What in the world? All those things…those EXPENSIVE things…for a kid’s school carnival? That’s almost more than the fair that comes to my town for the entire county!!
I laughed out loud, Gigi! Sooooo glad my kids are beyond such nonsense… now we just shell out for HS football and baseball booster clubs and class trips. Stay the course! Whatever happened to face-painting and goldfish tosses?
The PTA board better take a good look at your proposal. That is one expensive carnival. If I’m going to pay $25 per kid, at minimum, we’re going somewhere better than a school carnival!
$25 a wristband per kid??
I canNOT get over that.
No laughing matter.
This is what they have at our school carnival:
face painting
nail painting
dig in a kiddie pool of sand to find a “treasure”
cake walk
sand art
oh, there is 1 bouncy house
fishing in a kiddie pool for some small “treasure”
You get the idea, there are about 30 of these kinds of games. Each of these activities is at least $1, so, yeah, it might cost me $40 to take my 3 kids, including food, but it’s so worth it, and the PTO makes enough dough to do all kinds of things for the school, and the kids have a blast! We would definitely loose a ton of money if we had to rent all of those things. Good luck!
traci whitney´s last [type] ..Taboo Topic- Upside to Divorce
Ah Gigi, you are funny and practical. I’ll bet the elect you to be the next president of the PTA. You have my vote. BTW – what are Giant Hamster Balls?
Rhonda´s last [type] ..Electricity Shock
Love this!! I swear if I get one more letter asking me to donate / sponsor / pay for one more event I will scream! Ok, well I’ve actually already screamed a few times so that’s not much of a threat. Truly, though, it is madness!
I can’t wait for PTA stuff with Logan. Bring it ON people. When I was little my Dad was the PTA Dad and did the book fairs and field trips.. I am sure he just LOVED it as much as you!
Breann´s last [type] ..Working from home
Gotta admit. My favorite? Drunk moms on karaoke.
Yep.
I’d pay to do that. I mean SEE that.
That’s what I meant.
See.
I vended at a school carnival fundraiser recently, and they didn’t have any of that crazy expensive stuff. It looked like parents had brought out a lot of backyard type toys (slides and playhouses and things) from home to create a lot of inexpensive activities.
I think the bubble wrap idea is actually a great one. Fun for adults too!
This is awesome! My mother-in-law is in the midst of chaos in planning our school’s carnival which is next weekend. Maybe this will give her a little comic relief!
I love it! I can’t believe anyone in their right mind thinks that parents would spend $25 per kid for a school carnival. Not even a real carnival would cost that much. So ridiculous.
What do they think? Mothers are stockbrokers. For a little bit of fun, life is getting overprized.
toi´s last [type] ..Guest Blogger- The Secret by Jenni D
I’ll back your proposal.
I’ll supply the wine & microphone, you bring the moms. Better than any DJ.
I’m so glad we are not in your school district. We had a festival recently where each class was responsible for an activity (our class did hair painting) and the parents had to send in $3 to buy the supplies. At the same festival we put together a basket for a silent auction (I think our class did a spa basket with gift certificates for massages, etc). We had to send $3 for that too and the room moms got local business to donate stuff for the baskets. I think the only other thing they asked for was for some classes to bring 2liter drinks and then some other classes to bring gently used stuffed animals.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Keeping Up
Great one! I support them all, principal’s car idea is my favorite.
Was going to suggest a stand where parents pay kids to eat a helping of vegetables. Kale, beets and eggplant spring to mind. But it want work, no child would volunteer.
While this list is Totally Out of Control, and your proposed changes are stellar, I can not get past the letters P, T and A.
Sorry.
It’s a “thing” for me
Don’t they realize your genius? Though your way might be a little messy.
I love it. I especially liked the taser idea.
more fun, less costly ideas:
Spaghetti Pit. Watch Patch Adams for instructions. Families could bring either ice -OR- a pot of way mushy, partially drained pasta.
Shooting ducks: invite the local fire department over. Stand all the PTA Board members in a line. Let the firemen show the kids how powerful a stream of water can be by knocking down A FULLY GROWN ADULT!! ooooh aaaahhh… The entertainment continues as the stream of water hoses the board member on over the entire grassy field, to the parking lot, effectively creating valet service with no extra effort.(also? it’s FREE)
Whack-a-mole. Who needs a dunk tank? Give foam bats to kindergartners and let em loose.
Caryn´s last [type] ..King of the Marshmallows- Ready!
It all sounds perfectly logical to me. I can’t imagine they would have any objections to any of your substitutions. They should really take you on as a consultant for next years committee. Whoever they have now is clearly not cutting it!
Rachael´s last [type] ..No Housework & Mother-In-Laws Dont Mix
I just bought a new patio set. It was wrapped in enough bubble wrap to cover your football field. I’m willing to donate!
Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last [type] ..Post workday brain fog
Hey- put me down for the DJ thing….. I totally can ROCK “I Will Survive”…. and with an extra margarita or two I can also belt out a mean Madonna “Like a Virgin”…
Oh- but maybe that’s not appropriate for a school carnival….
LOVE it.
You know you have to present these things in person.
My experience with actually being on the board of the PTA was to always attend meetings with a coffee flask filled with a cocktail.
(The meetings were at noon.)
My advice would be to never go to one and to head for the hills … typically the behaviour of the women at mine was much like a coven of witches … also rhyming with …
My homeschool meetings now only involve me, but typically they still involve cocktails)
Are you kidding? Please tell me that they aren’t doing all of that stuff….totally crazy over the top. I like some of your “green” ideas. Lube up those kids and get some cardboard boxes!
Awesome! As a teacher who has helped with a few of these school carnivals, I love the sub idea for a caricaturist. Those kinder kiddos do a great job highlighting one’s worst…er…I mean best features. I’ve seen some funny ones, especially after going through two pregnancies. Funny how my belly always looks big in their pictures, even after I had the baby! I wonder what they are trying to say?!?
Sarah´s last [type] ..Time to Get My Sew On!
Please tell me that those things you listed aren’t really *real*. My goodness, what happened to pin the tail on the donkey, bobbing for apples? Someone probably got poked and someone probably choked.
Blech, I hate the politics in school!
Jill´s last [type] ..What do Easter candy- sci-fi books- toothpaste- and Carmex have in common
Your version sounds like the best party ever!
PS: That’s not the real budget, right? Ack!
I’m a few days behind to the party, but I simply had to state the obvious. You are a genius. That is all.
What great ideas! Bubble wrap on the lawn is bound to be a big hit, and fluff? Totally sticks to everything.
Watch out, Gigi…they may tap you for PTA President next year.
Awesome! Love the bubble wrap idea. It would keep kids, parents and teachers busy for hours.
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