Dear PTA Board,
I just received the email that outlined your plans and activities for this year’s spring carnival. I understand that since we are in the midst of a budget crisis (who isn’t?) this year’s fundraising efforts are more important than ever.
Your activity list is extensive. It’s a veritable potpourri of stuff for the kids to do. The problem is that they are all expensive, which cuts into our bottom line. And you’re asking families, in addition to paying the $25 per child wristband entry fee, to donate additional money to sponsor these activities, individually or as a class.
I propose that we don’t need to spend this much money to make a sizable profit.
I’ve taken the liberty of proposing some substitutions to the fancy-schmancy stuff… so that we can pocket even more money to help our school. Please review my changes below.
Bungee trampoline - $750.00
Substitution: cover the entire school lawn with bubble wrap. Hours of fun. Savings: $600.
Rock Climbing Wall - $650.00
Substitution: have a mime competition. Award small prize to kid who best mimes rock climbing. Savings: $625.
Magnetic Wall - $650.00
Substitution: cover kids in marshmallow fluff and have them run into a brick wall. Fluff sticks to ANYTHING. Savings: $600.
Generator - $550.00
Substitution: the whole carnival will be lit up only by glow-sticks. Savings: $400.
Drink Booth - $550.00
Substitution: take all those water bottles sitting in the school lost and found. Fill them up with ice water. Savings – $550.
Foam Pit - $450.00
Substitution: organize a massive, 500-person game of Smear The Queer. Which we should change to Smear Your Peer. Savings – $450.
Laser Tag - $400.00
Substitution: ask the local police force if we can borrow their tasers for 3 hours. They love helping out at community events. Savings – $400.
DJ - $400.00
Substitution: Get some of the moms drunk and borrow a parent’s karaoke machine. They’ll entertain the troops for HOURS singing Back In Black and I Will Survive. Savings: $400.
Human Gyroscope - $350.00
Substitution: take turns hanging all the children upside down by their feet inside the school gym. Savings: $350.
Video Trailer - $350.00
Substitution: Duh! Tell each kid to bring their Nintendo DS. (this actually eliminates the need for any other activity). Savings: $350
Giant Hamster Balls - $325.00
Substitution: give kids giant pieces of cardboard to slide down the stairs with. Savings: $325.
Booger Wars - $325.00
Substitution: go green. Use real boogers. Savings: $325.
Pitch Burst - $325.00
Substitution: replace it with Jarts. The old school kind! the ones that could kill you! Yeah! Savings: $325.
Gaga Ball - $325.00
Substitution: Show Lady Gaga videos projected from parent laptop on side wall of school. Savings: $325.
Ginormous Boxing Ring - $325.00
Substitution: Pit the school bullies in each class against each other on the baseball field and let them go at it for a winner-take-all Ultimate Fighting Championship. Savings: $325.
Wonderslide - $325.00
Substitution: Lube all the kids up with vegetable oil and let them slide around in the wet grass. Savings: $275
Dunk Tank - $250.00
Substitution: have the 5th graders give everyone swirlies in the boys’ bathroom. Savings: $250.
Face Painter - $275.00
Substitution: Recruit friendly local parolees who need to fulfill their community service requirements. Savings: $275
Caricaturist - $275.00
Substitution: Have the kindergarteners draw pictures of people. They love that shizzle. Savings: $275.
Kiddie Train - $300.00
Substitution: Have contests to see how many kids can be stuffed into the principal’s car. Savings: $300.
Cotton Candy Machine - $150.00
Substitution: Purchase 500 giant Pixy Stix, which have the same sugar content as cotton candy, but only cost 5 cents wholesale. Savings: $125
Sno Cone Machine - $150.00
Substitution: make each family bring one 5 lb. bag of ice. Have an ice throwing war. Savings: $150
I think you’ll agree that by considering a more home-grown approach to the carnival, we will not only save money, but return the carnival to the Americana roots it is grounded in.
Thank you for considering my proposal.
Sincerely, Gigi Ross
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