6 Things That Haven’t Changed About Southern California

It’s been thirty days.

Thirty days since I moved back to California.

Every day, I wake up and have a surreal feeling. Am I really here?

When we left 9 years ago, we left with the recognition and acknowledgement that we’d probably never get to come back. And yet, here we are.

In most ways, it feels like I never really left. Even as we explore our new little town that we’d never lived in before, there is a sense of familiarity here that I’ve not had in any other place I’ve lived. But then again, I’ve never returned back to a place until now. Here are the

Top 6 Things That Haven’t Changed About Southern California in 9 Years

1. Mexican food kicks ass.

You’d thinking living in TEXAS, which borders MEXICO, that I’d have spent the last 5 years getting my fill of Mexican deliciousness. Not so. I’ve been burrito-deprived, tortilla-denied, guacamole- starved and otherwise banished from all things yummito.

In the last thirty days I’ve eaten burritos 5 times, fish tacos 3 times, steak tacos 3 times,  a chimichanga once, and there’ve been a couple of cheese quesadillas thrown in there for good measure. The only downside? My kids do not understand why they are being inexplicably force fed Mexican food in mass quantities. They just don’t understand how good they have it.

2.The weather kicks ass.

The last 5 years were known as my Flat Limp Hair Period. It’s kind of like the anti-Renaissance. No beauty anywhere to be seen on my flowing tresses. Austin is humid and mosquito-y and I felt like a damp sponge all the time. I looked like one, too. The last two summers in Austin were miserably hot. June 4 it hit 100 degrees and it never dipped below that before the day I moved.

Here, we take walks every evening,  because you can walk around without a bunch of humidity collecting in your throat that then bubbles up and makes you sound all gurgly. My hair looks good. I’m actually CHILLY at night. Chilly!

3. I still want to kick Jillian Barbieri Reynolds’ ass.

After all these years, I want to know why Good Day LA still has this lady on the show? She’s old. Her makeup is so heavy it looks like spackle on her face. In fact, there may actually be third world refugees seeking asylum under her foundation. She’s annoying. She dresses like a hoochie to do the weather. I don’t get it. She bugged me in 2002. She still bugs me. Go away Jillian.

4. You’re an ass if you don’t wear your hair in long layers.

Apparently this is still the preferred hairstyle of southern CA. The long layer cut with flowing curls. Perfect. Gorgeous. You are an ass if you can’t wear your hair like this. Especially in LA. Even with the kick ass weather, mine doesn’t ever look like this. Call me A for short.

5. I was an ass for thinking Uggs would go out of style.

Yep, everyone’s still wearing Uggs. I didn’t buy Uggs the last time I lived here becuase I was certan that as soon I did they would go out of style. I’m like the Trend Jinx. So now I have a dilemma.  Now they’ve been in style here for like, over a decade, which means that the odds are that they will, in fact, go out of style any moment now. They may already be on their way. So if I buy Uggs and they go out of style I will have wasted a lot of money. If I don’t buy Uggs and they stay in style I am Uggless and feel Uggly. If I don’t buy Uggs and they go out of style I will have wasted a lot of time worrying about them.

6. People drive like assclowns.

Rules for driving in southern CA: a) Your safe speed limit is whatever the post limit is + add 25 MPH. b) Never use your directional. c) Never let anybody in. d) Show no courtesy. Show no mercy.

Despite my lack of Uggs, non-California hair and the jackhole drivers, there’s one other thing I’ve learned for sure: I was an ass for ever leaving.

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