Your kids are sick. There’s nothing worse, except all of the rules that kick in when this happens. Here are the ten rules you need to know when your kids are sick.
1. You will be out of whatever medicine you need to treat your child. Kid has a fever? You’ll be fresh out of Tylenol and Motrin, but find 3.5 bottles of Immodium for those diarrhea emergencies. Kid has a cough? There is no Robitussin in the house but there is a bottle of Hyland’s teething tablets that expired 4 years ago and a syringe full of something unrecognizable and sticky.
2. Kids do not get sick at the same time. Nay, that would be much too simple. It is only after you have sanitized, Lysoled and sprayed other toxic chemicals throughout your entire house from Kid #1′s illness that Kid #2 will go and sully it all up again.
3. Husband will contract illness from children; becomes invalid. Do not expect your man to soldier through a stuffy nose and little cold. If ill, he will order immediate, frequent and pathetic amounts of bedrest, which is only interrupted by him stumbling out of the bedroom so he can lay on the couch and let the entire family enjoy his constant moaning and gnashing of teeth.
4. You will cough up copays in the amount equal to a small third world country’s national debt…to learn “it’s viral.” Do not waste your time running to the doctor on day one of a kid’s sickness. You will be told it’s viral after a $30 copay and an hour waiting for the doctor while your kid shoves all of the tongue depressors into his diaper.
Do not go to the doctor on day 2. You will be told it’s viral after a $30 copay and an hour waiting for the doctor while your kid grabs the otoscope cord and uses it as a bungee.
Do not go to the doctor on Day 3. You will be told it’s viral after a $30 copay and an hour waiting for the doctor while your kid spins maniacally around on the rolling doctor’s stool. Go to the doctor on Day 4 and grit your teeth and tell them that if they don’t give you a freaking antibiotic, you’ll shove a cotton swab up somebody’s ass.
5. Your kid will not get sick until the pediatrician, and all available urgent care facilities within a 30 mile radius, have closed.
6. The open 24-hour pharmacy is never near your house.
7. If you find an open pharmacy, there will be a 90 minute wait at the pharmacy to get meds. Because everyone’s kids are getting sick after doctor’s hours have ended, or because there tends to be a rush on Ritalin, Pyridium for UTIs and the nicotine patch after hours. I’m not sure which.
8. Pharmacist will not dispense enough liquid antibiotic. When your pediatrician prescribes, say, 25 ml of an antibiotic, to be given in one 10 ml dose the first day and 5 ml for the next 3 days, the mad pharmacist goes into his secret laboratory and only puts in about 23 ml.
He then calculates the exact amount (normally another 2 ml) that coagulates and is physically incapable of being sucked up by a syringe from the bottle, no matter which way the bottle is tilted, twisted or turned. And then he laughs an evil laugh as he takes up 90 minutes of your precious time to put less medication than you need in the bottle. (see #8)
9. You will have fed your kid only the nastiest foods before they throw up. Kids don’t ever throw up things like toast, applesauce or chicken soup. They wait until they’ve got some really disgusting stuff down in the belly, like Taco Bell, oatmeal, Fritos or the contents of 12 Pixy Stix.
10. Your kid will not get sick until a night where you went out on a rare date night, stayed up too late and overindulged. Remember, no fun night goes unpunished. Your kids want you to know that the days of “just one more glass of wine” are over.
Bonus #11. After your husband comes home from pharmacy with $27 in fresh Tylenol and Motrin, you discover 4 new, sealed bottles of same tucked behind a can of athlete’s foot spray and a box of tampons.
Do you have any other rules to live by when kids get sick? Bring it.