Hubs, who cannot bear to be in the house without the TV blaring at him, was home on Saturday with the endless prattle of HGTV in the background.
I was getting ready in the bathroom.
Some sort of house hunting show was on. You know the drill.
And I heard the guy on the show exclaim in his best Beavis voice: “Huh-huh. This room would be perfect for my man cave.”
I’ve watched shows that have mentioned the man cave a million times before.
But this time, I had a visceral, primal, blurt-it-out-without-thinking reaction to it:
SCREW THE MAN CAVE.
I stalked into the bedroom – which, incidentally, is also my husband’s weekend office, den of sloth, makeshift mancave and poker room.
I looked at my husband.
These are the times in our marriage where we take on certain roles.
I play the role of ex-bad ass Prosecutor.
“Um…screw the MAN cave! Why do men deserve a MAN cave, exactly?”
My husband plays the role of Duly Appointed Representative of All Men.
This role requires that he lay still on the bed, remote frozen mid-click, heaving a big sigh.
“Well, women usually sort of get to, you know, decorate the rest of the house. We used to have the garage as our sanctuary. But now it’s become the man cave. We get one room of the house to make our own.”
Bad Ass Prosecutor moves quickly from direct examination to closing argument.
“Yes, many women get to take the lead on decorating their home.
They also have to pick up Legos, embedded in the floor. They have to figure out how to stop sour milk, spilled out of a sippy cup from stinking up the couch. They scrape hardened toothpaste off bathroom counters. They have to disassemble baby bottles into 37 pieces and wash each individually in boiling hot water.
They have to ensure that dust doesn’t accumulate on bookshelves. They vacuum up smashed Goldfish crackers off of the floor.
It’s lovely to decorate rooms.
It’s not so lovely to have the responsibility of cleaning the whole house.
Including, I submit, THE MAN CAVE.”
I pause for dramatic effect.
The Duly Appointed Representative of All Men yawns. He clicks on the remote, desperately looking for a rerun of The Matrix.
Bad Ass Prosecutor continues.
“I think it’s time for this injustice to end.
It is time for the tyranny in the family home to be overthrown. A new world order will emerge: one in which men and women both have their sanctuaries.
In all homes where a man has been enjoying his personal temple of gut-expanding, football-watching, junk-food-inhaling Lazy-boyed, big-screened sloth, a woman, too, shall have her own room.
It shall be called the She-Spa.”
I pause again for dramatic effect.
I continue in a louder voice, startling The Duly Appointed Representative of All Men back from catatonic television watching, which now involves a sneak peek into the Playboy Mansion grotto.
“The She-Spa shall be a room in the home dedicated exclusively to women.
It shall include a mani/pedi station. It shall include a batphone by which a woman will get immediate consults with Rachel Zoe or Chaz Dean. It shall be equipped with a massage table. It shall smell not like Fritos corn chips, but lemon and verbena. Aromatherapy shall be subtly issued through pipes in the wall. Soft music shall play. The decor shall be minimalist – modern, yet soothing.
Expensive beauty products shall line the shelves. Access to the She-Spa will be by electronic fingerprint access only. All shall be beautiful, quiet and calm.
I ask for what is fair. Just. Right. Thank you.”
I wait for a reaction.
The Duly Appointed Representative of All Men has his head tipped back on his pillow. His nose is pointed up to the ceiling, mouth wide open in a droning snore.
I go back into the bathroom and start scraping toothpaste off the counter.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 51 comments }
HAHAHA!!!! This is so funny! I loe the description of the she spa. I want one!!! I agree! Screw the Man cave!
Adrienne´s last [type] ..Go away- Mom!
Men……….
Tractor Mom´s last [type] ..Sunday Spotlight- My New Yogurt Maker
I want one I want one I want one I want one.
I will give a cup size for one.
And…your bedroom is also a poker room? I would think that could become awfully awkward awfully quickly.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last [type] ..The Merry Wives of Twitter
I am slightly addicted to HGTV. I hate, hate, hate hearing about the stupid man cave. I have seen shows where the house is perfect, except a man cave, and they don’t buy the house!
Bring on the She-Spa
angela´s last [type] ..The Party
I’m in for the she-spa. Our bedroom is also part time office, and hubs works in IT, so there are cables, CD’s, even a random laptop laying around here and there. So relaxing.
When do you start the marketing and designing on this She-spa? I want to get my order in early!
Gigi,
You were on fire! That must be why he married you, all that vim and vigor! Made me laugh, it sounds like the same kind of argument The Agronomist finds himself involved with your truly. Usually he doesn’t even know he’s involved. Once he realizes he’s part of the argument he gives it a bit of an effort but knows he doesn’t have a chance. I think I would choose a maid over a woman cave though. That would give me time to go out for the pedicures : )
Dana
A “she-spa” sounds lovely to me. Just as long as I don’t have to clean it too.
Jackie´s last [type] ..project 365 photo- 01162011
Sign me up for the She-Spa.
I have these fantasies of a perfectly clean room, where the furniture is upholstered in white, and there’s not a finger print smudge anywhere.
Missy @ Wonder, Friend´s last [type] ..Insane in the Membrane
Hubs has a man cave. It is hideous and yet I’m so jealous of it.
I want a she-spa!
Shell´s last [type] ..For Kids With No Tushies- Dapper Snappers Review
My husband has been working on his man cave for what seems like 10 years. Hmmmf. He defends his 1800 square foot woodshop by reminding me I have the whole house. The only thing he has built is the goddamn shop. I think I’m going to plug his nose when he falls asleep.
I like fritos.
Just saying.
For the record, Lori could give up a cup size and not miss it.
I’ll take the She-spa and keep it clean myself, if I don’t have to pick up another pair of dirty socks off the floor or separate the laundry.
We’re making our wishlist for our next home (looking next weekend) and somehow his “media room (he’s too metro-sexual for a ‘cave’) made the list and my workout space got cut. How does this happen?
This post also makes me grateful that we’ve kicked the HGTV habit.
Ugh.
Wish I didn’t relate to everything you said here.
Our house is all open concept…aka no walls.
So what happens in the TV room doesn’t stay in the TV room.
Do you feel my pain???
I want the shespa. Teach me how to make money.
AND HURRAY TO YOU AS PRETTY ALL TRUE FEATURED BLOGGER>
GO ‘head with yourself, awesome one!
xo
I think you need to start a petition for the She-Spa. I will be one of the first to sign up. I believe every house should be equipped with one.
Fortunately, for me, my husband likes to smoke the occasional cigar in his man cave. And that helps ensure his man cave stays in the garage… where it belongs.
My husband just reorganized his man cave this weekend. I need to find a space beyond the nightstand in my bedroom.
JDaniel4′s Mom´s last [type] ..ReadExploreLearn- Playing in the Snow
My husband frequently complains that he has no room in the house to call his own. I may direct him over here to read this.
Here’s the very sad fact in this though: man caves only requires a couch, a TV, beer and a snack. Very easy and not too pricey if they take the old furniture we want to throw out anyway.
But the SheSpa requires installation of things (fingerprint access reader, pipes for the aromatherapy) and unattainable expetations (having a phone linked to Rachael Zoe at all times). The men will never take the SheSpa seriously because they know it can’t be built. And never to our expectations…
So they sit all smug in their mancaves talking about how their silly wives want to make this SheSpa thing.
Wait ’til the day we’ve watched enough DIY shows to actually get a bunch of women over to make the SheSpa. Can you just imagine the look on their faces????
Man, I need to go to the spa.
It’s QUIET there
Klz´s last [type] ..TRX Wants to Sponsor Poppy
What do you mean I have to vaccum the crushed up goldfish crackers? That’s what I have a stinky old dog for.
As for the She Spa, I think all women deserve one, even if some of us dust by running the sleeve of our shirt over the surface area!
Why does it turn me on that you were a bad ass prosecutor? Wanna make-out?
Sandra´s last [type] ..Saturday night and I aint got nobody
Okay, I LOVE the man cave. My hubs has one and it was my idea. It’s a great place for all the crap I didn’t want anywhere else in the house; dog bed, xbox, his computers, kegerator, extra fridge, ugly chair. PLUS, the main tv never gets tied up with xbox or gun shows. And cleaning it? Is his job. And he does it. Woohoo!
To be fair, at my house we all have a room of our own. We have four bedrooms and only two of them are bedrooms. One is bratchild’s playroom and the other is my pink princess room/office/boudoir/closet.
It has shelving and cabinets for clothes, a big desk, a fainting couch and a makeup table.
I often wonder too why men feel that they need a man cave!
My husband gave the exact same reason when I asked him why he needed a man cave. It’s silly. I think part of it stems the fact that his dad has one and since he has one my husband things he needs (deserves) on too.
I think he can have one as soon as the house is decorated perfectly AND my office isn’t in the laundry room anymore!
Here! Here! If I were on the jury I’d stand up and applaud.
I’m pretty sure Rob thinks of the kitchen as my sanctuary. It pretty much makes me want to beat him (even more) senseless.
Ya, I totally do NOT get the line of thinking that they need their own space. WE don’t get a dedicated space. And most family’s have rooms for each of their kids, too, so we moms are the only ones who get shafted.
liz´s last [type] ..This One&8217s Got Me Baffled
That is so funny!! I definitely want a She-Spa. I want to be in there, though, while a maid is working on the rest of the house. I will want to just climb right back into my She-Spa if I emerge to find a dirty house. Is there a refrigerator & laptop in the She-Spa? I’ll just live in there.
Aww – after my own lawyer-loving heart!
I want a She-Spa and think you nailed your closing!
Love this! Brightened my day.
^amy
Amy´s last [type] ..Gevalias amazing Clearance Bonanza has tools to help you mix up some Gevalia fun! Save up to 85 off on clearance items while supplies last! – -amy
Gigi:
I think “in” was accidentally left out of the title? Should be the second word?
[Grunt, snort, scratch]
Viva Man Cave!
jf
There is no man cave in our house (we both hate that term), but I also don’t get to decorate the entire house myself. Being with a designer-type means I have to relinquish complete control and share the design decisions with him, which is nice and annoying at the same time because he ALWAYS has an opinion. Even in decorating my daughter’s bedroom. We reached a stalemate once over wall decals, for cryin out loud. UGH.
Justine´s last [type] ..Thumbs up to the writer of Why Chinese Mothers are Superior
The problem with a man cave is I’d want to spend my time in it too. I’d also want to be in the She-Spa so my vote would be for both. Only the man can’t come in the She-Spa but I’d have visiting rights in the Man cave.
Hutch´s last [type] ..Dealbreakers
I would take that snore as a yes and get started immediately!
blueviolet´s last [type] ..I Had a Shelf That Made Me Puke When I Was Pregnant
I am fully in support of the she-spa, willing to put an extension on my house to have one. But in defense of the man-cave, it does keep all the man detritus out of the rest of the house. Make your mess in there and I will close the door. I am ok with it in my house.
Amen! It shall also have a soundproof door equipped with an alarm that’s triggered should tiny fists berate it while you’re trying to relax. The alarm? Is a small microchip in your husband’s pants that sends him a slightly unpleasant shock to remind him to keep the children far, far away from the She-Spa so as not to disturb you.
NotJustAnotherJennifer´s last [type] ..Changes
Haha– yeah this!
Seriously, screw the man cave. There’s nothing I’d like to see less in my house. She-spa? That I could deal with.
Melissa (adventuroo}´s last [type] ..Momcomm Guest Post- To Tweet or Not to Tweet
My husband doesn’t have a Man Cave he has an office – the bathroom. He’s like Fonzie sans leather jacket and Hooper Triplets.
As soon as I saw the title I knew I had to read this post and it did not disappoint.
Very funny.
If the purpose of the man-cave is to get away from everything and do your own thing, then my she-spa is the bathroom. Take a book in there, lock the door, and when someone comes knocking, “I’m in here. I’ll just be a bit longer.” Enough time for another chapter or two before the knocking gets desperate.
Bonus for man-caves: Smell-containment.
I am among the few percentage of women who would like a man-cave. But I don’t know about calling it a man-cave. Maybe… Room-with-big-tv-and-a-foosball-table.
Georgette´s last [type] ..This story involves poop and Girls Gone Wild
This is hilarious! My husband wants a man cave SO bad. He says I’ve taken over the entire house & he wants a place for himself. I think it’s cute, maybe I’ll let him turn our garage into his man hangout…? maybe.
Lin´s last [type] ..Golden Globes 2011- Best & Worst Dressed
I love the idea of a she-spa. I don’t feel men deserve a man cave either.
Amber´s last [type] ..The Evil Doll
I so want a she-spa that is free of caked on toothpaste and gassy men.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Special Ketamine- It’s Part Of My Healthy Balanced Breakfast
All women must unite…this is my world, too (minus the kids, but add two huge furry dogs that like to eat grass and puke a lot)! Thanks for the laugh!
I’d say I need a she-spa, but who am I kiddding…the kids would just take it over like they’ve taken over every other room in the house!
Gigi, I laughed all the way through this! I love it! And I’m including it in my Monster Likes on Saturday
Natali´s last [type] ..Monster Mommy Moment – KLZ Style
Love the idea of the She-spa! Sounds fantastic to me. You definitely won that trial my dear prosecutor. Man cave doesn’t even stand a chance.
Loved this and was laughing throughout it all!
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)´s last [type] ..I Should Have Packed the Kahlua
HAHAH! I *sooo* want a she-spa!! That is brilliant!
Kelly´s last [type] ..How Snow and Ice Bring Out the Birds
Must be something in the water…I JUST posted on this same topic. I swear I’m not a plagiarist and would be happy to provide you with my IP address so you could quickly search your stats and see I have not been here this week. I SWEAR!
End rant.
Sorry, I’m sensitive to the issue. Carry on.
OH! And She-Spa? BRILLIANT!
Mama Kat´s last [type] ..Where Is My Man Cave
I have never understood the whole man cave entitlement thing either but I would like to hire you to prosecute my husband before he puts the finishing touches on his man cave dream, the massively tacky tv was just delivered.
Jessica´s last [type] ..Two Blogs Walked onto a Playground
I’m certain that if I had to deal with someone who wanted a man cave that I’d be able to respond to this with much more enthusiasm, but I haven’t had to fight that battle yet.
The day I do though…I’m printing out this post as my script.
Since I hide in the bathroom all the time, I demand at least a tricked-out bathroom!
Love this!!! We are in the process of purchasing a home and I am DEFINITELY having a She-Spa!!
My she-spa would be a walk-in closet with an island and bar! Walls of shoes and beauty!!! Oh and a couple comfy chairs for my girlfriends to hang out, would they want to share in a closet? lol
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