We’re all looking for ways to make sure our kids grow up to be responsible and well-behaved citizens of the world. Every parenting handbook tells you that positive reinforcement is the way to go: Reward charts work! But I’ve been through a few charts and systems and I haven’t had much success.
Reward System #1: The Sticker Chart
The sticker chart allows you to hand-create a weekly chart and issue stickers when tasks are completed or goals achieved.
Pros: stickers are cheap.
Cons:
Boy Wonder dutifully tried to earn stickers every day but began to negotiate for additional lame ass ways to earn more stickers. Wiping your butt does not entitle you to a sticker, nor does putting your shoes on when I ask you to.
Little CEO declared that she was placing an embargo on stickers. But only at home, where they were attached to chores. At school? Love stickers. Stickers are good.
Gigi forgot where she put the stickers. And the chart, once secured to the fridge via magnet, got doused in ketchup and melting ice left sitting in the water dispenser catch tray.
Reward System #2: Melissa and Doug Magnetic Chore Chart
The Melissa and Doug magnetic chart provides you precreated chore magnets to place on the chart. For each day of the week that the task is completed, happy face magnets can be placed to track the child’s progress.
Pros: kids love magnets. You don’t have to keep buying additional items. Chart is customizable.
Cons:
It’s like a $30 chart. Not cheap.
Boy Wonder and Little CEO used the magnets as checker pieces.
The dog ate several when they were left on the floor.
Gigi assigned fourteen chores to each child. Probably too many.
After the first week, Gigi forgot to award magnets when tasks were completed.
Reward System #3: Marble Jar
The marble jar concept involves giving marbles to kids when they do what you want them to do. When the jar is filled, they get a reward.
Pros: kids like marbles. Shiny!!!!!
Cons:
Boy Wonder and Little CEO fought over the Giant Marble and who deserved it more.
Boy Wonder and Little CEO stole marbles out of each other’s jars.
Boy Wonder and Little CEO decided to whip the marbles at each other. Note: marbles hurt.
Little CEO cried because there were no purple glittery marbles.
Marbles are very noisy when dropped into huge glass jars.
Gigi forgot to award marbles after the first week. The marble jars had more dust than marbles.
Reward System #4: Ticket Box
The ticket box system allows children to earn raffle-like tickets that are then put into a box, to be cashed in at various times for small prizes or larger rewards.
Pros: it’s kind of like having Chuck E. Cheese in your house, because kids love those damn tickets.
Cons:
Gigi never remembered to buy the small prizes so the kids could cash in their tickets.
Gigi never remembered to set up what tasks or behavior were worth what amount of tickets.
Gigi never got a cute box all decorated into which the tickets would go.
Anytime Gigi left the house and left husband in charge, husband would forget to award tickets. Cue children crying.
You see, all these methods of positive reinforcement require as much training and discipline for the parents as they do for the kids.
That’s why I’m now considering
Reward System #5: Hard Ass with a Side Of Negative Reinforcement
This system involves Gigi being a hard ass. Children must do their chores and behave well or risk hearing things like, “You must do it BECAUSE I SAID SO” or “If you do not make your bed I will take away all of your blankets and make you sleep on snot rags.” or “If you continue to fight with your sister, I am taking you down to the boxing studio and we are going to spar. How would you like that? Huh? Do you want to spar against Mommy? Because I will take you DOWN, little boy.” or “If you forget to brush your hair one more time, I am going to give you a mullet. Do you know what a mullet is?”
Pros: I like being a hard ass. And, I’m good at it.
I don’t have to make ticket boxes or marble jars. I don’t have to assign values to tasks or remember to hand out stickers. I only have to remember to be extremely mean.
Cons: my children may end up on Intervention in 15 years.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 44 comments }
I find reward charts work for little man for about 2 weeks then he gets bored and nothing happens
becca´s last [type] ..Thursday’s Thoughts 2-2-12
This made me laugh out loud. We have done stickers and the M&D magnet chart. I still can’t get some of the stickers off the painted walls and the magnet chart is back in the closet.
Hard ass plan works every time.
Barbara´s last [type] ..How To Grow Out A Pixie Haircut
That’s too funny! I’ve been through all of those and more! I DID finally revert to being a hard ass but that didn’t work either lol. That Melissa and Doug calendar looked so cool but i can’t find any of the magnets nowbeither
Bella´s last [type] ..Pour Your Heart Out: Living with Mental Illness
Oh, this was perfect for me to read right now, as only seconds ago the 8-yr-old was discussing what chores he can to do earn an allowance. We’ve never done any “reward systems” here before. No stickers or skittles, just me as a hard ass. And it’s worked. But now he wants some spending money and I want him to take on some more responsibilities around here…and we have no idea how to set this up…help!
Thanks for a giggle this morning!
Kerry Ann (aka Vinobaby)´s last [type] ..It’s My SITS Day & the Origin of Vinobaby
Clearly, I am no help. My almost 9 year old wants to earn money all the time and once he realizes that it involves actual work, he usually gives up after a day and doesn’t bug me again for about 6 month.
I have the Melissa & Doug chart in my garage sale pile RIGHT NOW and do you know what’s funnier? I bought it at a garage sale. I tweeted once that maybe if I got rewarded on a reward chart for making my kids use a rewards chart, maybe we’d use a rewards chart.
Kelley´s last [type] ..Finding the Funny: The Race For Sleep
OMG…that is hilarious. I think I sold mine at a garage sale as well, Kelley!!!!
I’m not quite there yet with my two year old, but I reckon the time is-a-comin’. Thanks for pre-screening all the systems for me!
Dana´s last [type] ..Camping is…
LOL My daughter can’t figure out what I think is so funny right now! We just started a sticker system a couple of weeks ago and so far so good. She has to earn 21 stickers to get the reward and I picked rewards that we would normally do so it is not a big deal on our end but she is not old enough to figure it out yet. I actually tried the “hard ass” approach first but she is too much like me.
Didn’t work on me, won’t work on her either! Good luck, GiGi! I can’t wait to hear how the new one turns out!
When the kids get to be 9 and 7, they are too smart for this incentive stuff anymore (at least at home – somehow, it still works at school). So yeah, it’s been hard ass for awhile now. It works for one, but not the other!
This truly made me laugh — I once built a website for a teacher who was marketing a customizable behavior trail . . . that, apparently, really worked wonders . . . when you get to the end, you start on a new trail, but you get a reward. When you do something bad, you get sent back.
I was thinking that I was going to start a Harry Potter type system . . . two buckets for each kid, plus a shared bucket for when they cooperate . . . prizes for the individual buckets would be small in scope, but the cooperating bucket, when filled, would warrant something special.
of course, that would require me actually getting said buckets, and figuring out what to fill them with, and then actually awarding points, so nothing will probably happen.
John´s last [type] ..Where I hope for some new Instagram filters
yeah…buckets, prizes…sharing…that sounds really uber complicated. I’d give that idea up pronto.
My favorite element of this post is that there were NO CONS to any of the reward systems mentioned…except for the fact that they didn’t work!
So for thirty bucks, I’d want Melissa and Doug to come to my house and raise my kids.
Or a babysitter to get me out of here for three hours.
p.s. Who are Melissa and Doug?
XO
Thank you for catching the “no cons except they don’t work” thing. It was, for once, intentional.
I love this, because I have struggled with this as well. Tried the chore chart, even made different things worth different amoounts of money. Finally, we just stuck a list of what he is expected to do each week up on the fridge. If he is pretty good at following it, he gets $5 at the end of the month. Of course, I forgot to pay him for about 5 months. Although, that enforced “savings” on his part, so it worked out in the end. Good Luck!
Jacki´s last [type] ..The Raven’s Spell on Hiatus
bahaha! yes! I forget to pay too!
I’m not a big fan of rewards, although I do resort to them now and then. Sticker charts and high fives worked beautifully for us for potty training, until there was no incentive to move from the little Ikea potty to the real one. Then I had to bust out the M&Ms. But my husband regularly wants to reward them with treats to get them to eat their dinner, which I just see as a disaster in the making.
Leigh Ann´s last [type] ..That time you guys were all right
M&Ms seem to work every time. I should have included that in my post!!!
This made me laugh because when my older kids (16 & 19 now) were younger, I tried most of these incentives and I failed miserably at following through with them. I finally gave up, and just made some rules. Main chores get done on Saturday morning before you are allowed to do anything else. Other chores, like putting your laundry away, gets done when it’s time to be done. My 9 year old has never seen a chore chart and just follows the rules. Wish I would have just done this from the beginning. haha
can you come to my house and do this?
I’ve been a very bad mom. My kids don’t know what a mullet is, and that threat would not work. Off to search mullet pics to put a little scare in them….LOL!
Andrea @ The Penny-Roach’s´s last [type] ..Where’s My Baby?
you are a good mom for not letting your kids know what a mullet is
We just started a “ticket” store and so far it is working for us. Tickets are not given for “lame-ass” reasons
I stocked up a basket with a variety of items for JBird to buy. She’s saving for the Belle Barbie Doll.
Carolyn´s last [type] ..Make Your Own Valentine Shirts (3 Ways)
let me know how it works out. it’s slightly easier when they’re younger and less on to the plan.
I think you are right. It works with a younger child, and when my girls get older I’ll probably eliminate our Ticket Store. But right now, it works well for us. JBird has even come out with “I need to be good, or I’ll lose a ticket”.
Carolyn´s last [type] ..Make Google Reader Work For You
Right there with you. We no longer use reward systems either. Being a member of the family is your reward. And there are certain things in life you have to do. That all being said, if I want chores/work done with no complaining, sometimes I’ll institute “spontaneous reward.” “If you two can clean your rooms without complaining about it this morning, you get an extra TV show later.” Type of thing. And that seems to work.
Missy | Literal Mom´s last [type] ..Guest Post Zen Mama
spontaneous reward is a good idea…I may have to consider that.
We are avid users of technique number five combined with lots of praise and high five when a particularly good job is done. It works for us. Mostly.
BUT… you forgot one of the most time honored techniques. Guilt. It involves you making them feel kind of crappy when they don’t meet your expectations. My mother is a pro. You have my permission to use it if No. 5 fails.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Singing the working mom blues
This is hilarious! Little O is 2.5 & we’ve only tried the a sticker chart twice. First for behavior {fail because we went out of town a few days later & didn’t bring it with us} and second when we were potty training. It went decently well with potty training, but by the third day she got a hold of the stickers and just filled her entire notebook with them while I was making dinner.
Good to know the Melissa & Doug $30 chart isn’t worth it!
Thanks for the laugh today…your post title is still cracking me up.
Amy @ Counting My Kisses´s last [type] ..The Hysterical Hour from Hell
I have always been #5. My eyebrow arch is the only system I need AND your kids end up in therapy no matter what you do.
xo
I fail at the eyebrow arch, too. Dammit.
Glad to see I’m not the only one to fail at Rewards Systems 101.
nope, you’re not alone…I failed abysmally!
2 more to add to the list – money and tv or video game time. I used the other ones too, when my kids were little and they all worked for a time then had to be changed up for various reasons. I don’t think any one way works all the time for every kid. Your #5 though, is probably the best!
if I got something to work for a week, it felt like a huge success!!! My challenge with offering video game time was that my kid would then do SO many chores he’d earn like 90 hours of video game time and then I’d be a bad parent for letting him play too many video games. Sigh. you can’t win for losing.
I’m a number 5, it is pretty much the only thing that has ever worked.
Now my boy is a little older and he has a few hobbies, I taught him the value of money. He gets pocket money if he finishes all his chores for the week, then he has a choice.
He either goes and spends it at the shop on junk food or saves it so he can buy new parts for his BMX. 9/10 times he saves his money now.
Haha! I love #5! Good old fashioned parenting!
I’ve tried all those charts and systems. Tickets too! What happened? Nothing! Because I was never consistent with any of it, and they made MORE work for me. Which I’m pretty sure is the opposite of what we hope to achieve by buying all that stupid stuff. I’ve even had a “school” store. Earn tickets, buy crap. But, my smarty would just beg me to give him stuff out of the treasure box on non school days. Of course, I did. Soon, the tickets didn’t matter so much. LOL
I doubt this was conversation in the 50′s!
Adrienne´s last [type] ..How to get the most from your post!
Yes, it’s a ton of work for the parent with out much, ahem, reward for us.
Charts? Yeah…good one. They never worked. My kids just didn’t care. The only thing that EVER worked to bait my kid into doing something was when I’d hang a Hot Wheels car on the wall well out of his reach . He hated using “the potty” for a “certain” task so we’d entice him into doing it by telling him he could have the pretty car on the wall if he could show us evidence of a “task completed.” The $13,438 investment we made that year in Hot Wheels was well worth it.
Diane – It’s All Good Until You Burn Dinner´s last [type] ..A Comprehensive Guide to my Secret Childhood Crushes
I am sure it was actually close to $13K when all was said and done, too!!!
I’m with you, Gigi. We don’t do the reward thing, either. “We’re a family and that’s what we do” is my standard answer. I do, however, love celebrations.
Also, little known fact? I’m a total hardass, too. Who knew?!
xo
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Inch by Inch
i never would have guessed you for a hardass!
We have also exhausted every variety of rewards system. Too much darn work for me, too! And where was MY rewards system? Where, I ask! Just tonight I took away all Wii, TV, computer and DS from my 8 year old until I see her responsibility improve. Nasty, aren’t I? But this is the same kid who wasn’t phased in the least by time-outs or any other sort of reprimands. (Thanks for the gray hair, child.)
Julie @ Practically Spent´s last [type] ..CSN Winner
Great post! It does seem like parents need as much training with reward systems as our children do.
At the end of the day, positive encouragement will always be better than material rewards.
Jack
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