The kid says, “Stop following us!”
My son hangs his head low.
3 boys, 10, 9 and 6 – all try to escape from my son after they’ve met playing at an indoor fun place. They’ve had a blast together for hours. I’m reminded of how mean kids can be; how quickly they can turn.
He continues to follow them around. He doesn’t get that they’re not kidding. He thinks this is a game. He thinks he is It.
Sometimes he tries a little too hard. He gets touchy feely. His jokes are not that funny or a copycat of someone else’s.
I can see why the boys might be annoyed. And this breaks my heart even more.
I want my son to figure out the delicate balance of friendships – a balance I am not great at. I watch from afar.
The kid says, “Get AWAY from us! Stop following us! We don’t want to play with you anymore.”
But I want to save him, too. The contents of my heart pour out onto the floor.
He gets it now, but only after brutal honesty on the other boy’s part. His spine bends, his shoulders droop. He looks confused and sad as the boys race away from him, leaving him behind.
I know how he feels.
What I want, more than to be liked myself, is for my kids to be liked for who they are. I can handle rejection, I think to myself. He can’t. He’s so little.
I don’t really know if the boys are being mean, or are just done playing with my son. I can’t tell them to stop it. I need to let him work it out. I need to let him experience this life lesson.
I know he is going to come over to me, sad. My brain is already turning over the words I could say to him. Should I be matter-of-fact? Encouraging? Comforting? Coddling? Firm? Honest? I identify this moment, and the words I choose in it, as one where he can grow and learn, or one where he can come away feeling dejected. I need to teach him resilience.
But he doesn’t come over to me. He runs off to the back of the bouncie house place, where I cannot see him. Minutes go by. And more. And more.
Finally, I get up and try to find him. I know my child. He is sitting somewhere by himself, lips turned down in a pout and head between his hands. Or he is bouncing alone. Or he is seeking the company of his sister, who he’d not normally play with here.
I am wrong.
I find my son happily playing with 2 other boys. They are playing hide and seek. They are following him around. He is the ringleader now. Life is okay. My kid is okay. He bounces back. He learned coping and resilience. The brutal rejection of just a few moments ago has passed.
He is a better kid than I ever was. And he has taught ME resilience.
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{ 39 comments }
Oh Gigi! This post almost make me cry! You did great with your boy and he bounce back beautifully! I worry bout my son too. He’s going to be the only mix kid in his preschool. I can’t afford the nice international school where mix kids usually goes and even if I can I worry other kids will pick on him there too since he’s from a divorced (well almost!) family. This is such an awesome post to remind me to stop worrying and maybe my boy will taught me the same resilience lesson. Thanks for this, girl!
How awesomely wonderful is that?! Sweet boy. You’re getting something so very, very right Gigi, and he will flourish.
We were at my Oldest’s soccer game yesterday. Every weekend it’s the same experience for my 4-year-old. The coach’s youngest son (5) has a little minion in another 4-year-old (who usually is so sweet). Youngest always wants to play with them. Always. But I say no, I see how nasty the older one is. Yesterday, the two came up to Youngest and asked him to come play. He was so happy to be included. I was so happy for him. They ran off together. I’m watching. They’re teasing him. Neither one of the other mothers are watching. They’re watching the game. But I watch. They’re playing monkey in the middle with youngest always being the monkey. Then they play “run away from the monster.” Youngest comes back to me. “My friends don’t want to play with me.”
They just wanted another kid to torment.
After the game, he tells me, “I want to go say goodbye to my friends.” I hesitate, then say sure. He runs all the way across the soccer field to tell the oldest kid good bye, then slowly walks back to me. “He told me I was stupid.” This other kid is 5!!
We talked for a minute, then he was done with it, running with his brother and laughing. I worry about it leaving a mark though. This is my child, I should fight for him, but he needs to learn that not all people are nice, and you don’t have to be nice to the ones who aren’t. I struggle because the coach and his wife are the nicest, nicest people – where did their demon seed come from?
And I struggle with my own thoughts of punting this little kids a$$.
Sorry for the novel. I need to get back to bloggin
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ash´s last [type] ..It’s Nancy and a drinking game – two of my favorite things!
Aren’t you just amazed by the resilance of your children? We want to warp them in a bubble but yet turn them loose in the world. Then we realize that if they don’t fall, they don’t learn to walk!
Thanks for sharing….
Tractor Mom´s last [type] ..We Have Not Been Down This Road Before
Yes, they do teach us a lot.
I was just telling the boys this morning about how much I was teased, and middlest said, “that’s why it doesn’t bother you when people are mean to you.”
Yup, I guess, then, that was a good thing?
Anyway: it’s the only way to learn resilience and self reliance. You can say to yourself, “I’ve been through this before, I know I can make it.”
It kills us to watch, though. JUST KILLS US.
I’m so glad that turned out well. You were so good to be patient. I don’t know if I could have been.
It’s so hard to judge how much “mothering” really needs done. Sometimes we have to let them grow up a little bit at a time. And much faster than we want.
Great post Gigi – it is so very true, the fear we have of our children suffering the dejection, bullying, unkind words and acts of other children that we ourselves did. I’m glad your son is learning resilience, and yes, we learn so much every single day don’t we from these little yet oh so very wise people in our lives.
Aging Mommy´s last [type] ..The Visitor
I’m so happy there is a happy ending to this story! It’s situations like this that I’m not looking forward to.
liz´s last [type] ..The Puke Room
I’m so proud of him for bouncing back like that.
I’ve come to realize that sending them off to school is a blessing because this stuff happens and is resolved without our knowing the intricate details. As a mom, it’s too painful to watch!
Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last [type] ..Still surprised by not hearing
Kids can be mean, but at the same time, they can bounce back better than we expect.
I wasn’t the most social of kids either. My own kids have their moments and sometimes I just want to swoop in and save them. But sometimes it’s better to let them figure it out on their own.
Evonne´s last [type] ..Oh- my eyes! Costume fail!
Oh this post was so heart-wrenching and positive at the same time. We have all watched our children go through similar things!!!
I was holding my breath for him.
Such a perfect solution he found for himself.
I was ready to ache, had already started.
But he was not interested in my assumptions.
Good.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last [type] ..I will hunt you down
he was not interested in my assumptions either. I am so glad when I am wrong about my kids, in a good way.
Boys ARE resilient. Much more so than girls I believe – I say that with authority, as I have 3 of them in addition to my son. We had a very similiar situation with my son and all his football pals over the weekend, resulting in my son leaving from the Lord of the Flies event he was attending. It broke my heart that his good friends could treat him so badly. Of course, by the next morning all was forgiven in his mind and by the evening, one of the boys even called to apologize.
Oh, that would break my heart too. Good for you for letting him work it out. Wow. I don’t know if I would have the strength to do that being witness to the unfolding events. But, you are right. They must learn how to cope.
So proud of your son. He is resilient and he will be okay.
Still…I don’t like mean kids…ugh!
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)´s last [type] ..We are all Doctor Moms
it took everything I had not to intervene!!! You have no idea!
I was right there with you, Geeg, my heart just breaking for your little guy. I don’t understand meanness. Not at all. I do believe it’s an acquired trait. No one comes by mean, naturally. And so, all of these mean people both big and small were molded into meanness by someone else’s hand. That’s the worst part of it. A cycle that needs to be broken.
I have a girl who marches to her own drummer and now she is in what I call, “the vicious years”, the years of middle school. It kills me when the other girls in the car pool ignore her or she doesn’t get invited to all the birthday parties. But she’s fine with it. She says she likes it just the way it is because she has friends and her friends are interested in real things not just who likes who and everything Abercrombie. And I’m so proud of her for not letting those mean girls phase her.
joann Mannix´s last [type] ..Call Me The Little White Girl
it’s interesting that you think meanness is taught. Because I’ve had a very different experience in my short jaunt at parenting thus far. 2 kids, raised the same way by hubs and I..one lacks even a hint of meanness, the other, definitely leans in that direction. I don’t think she naturally wants to be mean spirited, but I think her gut reactions to things lean toward being mean than being kind. I don’t know. I see her changing – she is young – and she has definitely matured. We just keep on trying to lead by example. And i try to keep all of my mean feelings to myself.
I was this -> <- close to crying when I got to the ending. Kids are so amazing, aren't they?
Christine´s last [type] ..Four Peas in this Pod 1
I was holding my breath too, happy to exhale at the end.
Yes, resilience is great but so is kindness and being inclusive. How to teach both?
Yuliya´s last [type] ..Dictator Diaries
I do believe that some kids have it naturally – my son is resilient, and kind, and inclusive. My other child, not so much. I think part of it is nature, truly. We have a much bigger challenge in trying to rewire our daughter a little bit to teach her those things that are not inherently inside of her.
You KNOW this hits me close to home. My oh my, the things we can learn from our children, huh?
You wrote a post a couple months ago about your son, in the vein of this one, that made me think we were raising similar sensitive boys. Mine is 2.5 but I see a lot of these same ‘following’ over ‘leading’ traits. He gravitates mostly to girls right now, but older ones like 6-8, and they dismiss him all the time at the playground. It kills me and I look pleadingly at their moms, too busy on smart phones to care, to intervene since it’s more their place than mine to correct their kids. I’ve decided I’m going to whisper in their ears, next time it happens, “Hey, Miley Cyrus told me she thinks you’re stupid.” That should go over well.
Great post. So glad the ending was a surprise for you and for him!
I’ll be interested to hear how your little guy progresses. What I do know is that if my kid doesn’t change too much as he grows, he will make an excellent, compassionate husband and father.
Go get those mean girls.
Beautiful! It just makes you cry when you realize that your kids really can bounce back (and in my case, aren’t the pathetic loser-type person I was back at that age).
Kudos to you being a great parents and helping build that self-confidence!
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last [type] ..How To Do Those Cool Web 20 Colorful Popup Thingees in WordPress
Yes, pathetic loser-type person/doormat – that was me at that age. I would’ve been bereft and sad for days. he just let it roll. I’m so glad.
Our kids do need to learn to be resilient and handle rejection but I think it’s also really important that kids learn that it really isn’t okay to shout “Get away from us! We don’t want to play with you anymore!” That’s mean and hurtful, even if the child who said it isn’t a mean child. My eight-year-old is so sensitive and when kids say these things to her it’s devastating. I moved her to a different school this year when I realized her old school never dealt with any of this. Sometimes our kids are not going to be okay and sometimes we do need to intervene. Knowing when to intervene is the hard part.
Totally agree!!!! But I want HIM to stand up for himself and say, “hey, that’s not cool to say that.” And then be okay walking away. Because Mom’s not always going to be there to tell those kids that they’re being mean, you know? And let’s face it, if they haven’t had parents telling them it’s mean to do that (like I try to do with my other kid who tends to be meaner than she should sometimes), is hearing it from me going to change these kids? I don’t know. Tough calls all the way around.
I can honestly say that the biggest thing I’ve learned from my 7 year-old sister is resilience. When our dad passed away last year, she was the one that we expected to fall apart…and she didn’t. She’s done amazingly well for herself (and us!) and keeps me going every day.
I bet she is a total inspiration!
I really enjoyed this post. I know that feeling so well. I’ve been on both sides with my son. He’s been the kid that is cast off & he’s been the kid doing the casting. That doesn’t feel any better. I don’t want to see my kid hurt…and it twists the knife in a different direction when he’s the one that hurt someone else’s feelings. *sigh*
WTH am I Doing´s last [type] ..Coming out of my cave
Totally. I have one (my son) who is almost never intentionally mean, and one (daughter) who tends toward the mean side. In some ways it’s a blessing to have a little of both sides of the coin. But you’re right..that knife does twist hard.
Loved Lori’s comment.
I am so quick to rescue and quick to mourn for them, I don’t give them a chance to surprise me.
A wonderful parenting story.
Check out The Power of Mom’s Gigi, they are looking for submissions for a published book. This post would be perfect.
Dana
Thank you for the idea, Dana! Am going to check it out!
SO been there with my eldest. He’s so friendly but also very sensitive, and sometimes he doesn’t seem to get it when kids don’t want to play. We have in the past done role play, about what to say if a “friend” says something hurtful. Giving him the tools while not in the emotion of the moment was helpful.
We’ve done that too. I think it’s an ongoing education process!
What a struggle for a parent and what a wonderful surprise to see him bounce back so well. I am dreading these moments. My daughter is so, so shy, and I know it is a struggle for her to put herself out there for other kids. She has looked so hurt and confused the few times that her little overtures haven’t been reciprocated or have been outright rejected. I admire the way that you handled the situation and am so glad for you that it worked out well in the end.
angela´s last [type] ..Halloween – Take Four an interlude
This is a wonderful post. I know that pang in the heart. There are 4 other girls in our neighborhood of the same age as mine and when they were kids they came to our door and asked if they could cut bamboo to make a fort. My daughters said yes and then asked if they could help and were told No. The nerve. My mama hackles went up but my girls just shrugged and said, “They aren’t any fun anyway.” I was proud of them because they easily could have said, “then you can’t have the bamboo.”
Motpg´s last [type] ..Doing Some Pre -Shopping Shopping
I love this post. I could feel your concern and pain….and then to find your resilient child making his own way in the world. What a wonderful moment.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Pathetically Pandora-less
Sometimes I believe its a good thing when our children march to the the tune of their own drummer. They are not sucked into the cliques, or joining the meanspirited … they can make their own beautiful music.
I loved how you wrote this, your self discovery …
By Word of Mouth Musings´s last [type] ..Naked Cougars- or something like that
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