I was overwhelmed at the fabulous discussion that happened in response to my post about kindergarten redshirting. One of my readers, Sharon from Mom of 6, asked if she could guest post on a related topic – school birthday and sports birthday cutoff dates. I thought it was important to explore this dimension of the discussion, so I’ll let Sharon take it away!
Gigi’s post last week on “Redshirting, Hyperparenting, and The Generation of Mediocre Children” really hit a note with me, and after reading it I spent a few hours that night tossing and turning, unable to sleep (yes, parenting does that to me sometimes!). I thought about how the issue of school birthday cut-off dates has affected our family of six kids, particularly as it relates to team sports.
Rules Are Made for a Reason
My oldest son is a fairly bright kid, and although his birthday falls towards the end of the school calendar in terms of birthday cut-offs for kindergarten (11/18 vs. a cut-off of 12/1), we felt that he was ready academically and socially to start kindergarten “on time”. The way I look at this (and most of society’s rules for that matter), is that the rule, however abstract it may seem, is there for a reason. And unless I have a very compelling argument to break that rule… I am going to follow it.
But what I wasn’t prepared for- is how many people feel that the rule doesn’t apply to them or their child. And I didn’t know then how much my children would love playing competitive sports (soccer) and that the birthday cut-off used for sports does not line-up with the school birthday cut-offs.
So why are the cut-offs different?
School Birthday Cut Offs Are Not All The Same
The date assigned as the birthday cut-off date for kindergarten is not the same for all schools. It can differ by state, and sometimes by school district and even by type of school. Where I live in New York the public school cut-off is 12/1, but most private schools in our area use 9/1. (Click here to see the school cut-off in your state.) Since the dates across the country range from June 1-Dec 31, you can see why the birthday cut-off rule feels a bit random.
Sports Birthday Cut Offs are Typically Determined on a Nationwide Basis
While every local sports club can set their own rules regarding birthday cut-offs for sports teams, as kids get older and opt to play for more competitive travel-teams, the birthday cut-off rules begin to follow national guidelines and become more hard-and-fast. Typically for soccer and football it is 8/1, Little League is 5/1, and for lacrosse it is 8/31. The reason for these cut-offs is to make age-brackets consistent, so teams playing in a U12 division can expect to play kids of the same age range in games and tournaments, even if those tourneys take place in another state or town. And when you think about this, it makes sense… you don’t want your kids getting slammed by another player that is twice as big (well yes, that can happen even with kids in the same 12-month age range, but you get the idea here).
The Push to “Play Up”
And then there is a segment of hyper-competitive parents who feel that their child needs a more challenging sports environment, and request that their child be allowed to play with older teams in an effort to make their child work harder to become a better player. Doesn’t it sound crazy that first parents hold their kids back to start school in an effort to make them excel… and then want to believe their child is so athletically gifted that they push for them to to “play up”? I can’t help but wonder if this is all about “bragging rights”…. You know, “My kid is so talented that he plays U16 lacrosse even though he is only 13!”
Um, but have I been guilty of this? Yes, I have.
In 4th and 5th grades, my son so desperately wanted to play with his soccer-loving-best-friends, that I asked for permission for him to play with his grade-level rather than with his age-level. And since our local club was a bit relaxed with that guideline, they allowed it. That worked fine until he was trying out for a more competitive league that had a no-exceptions policy to the age cut-off rule. And at age 11, as my son was facing the transition to middle school, he had to decide if he loved soccer enough to play another year at U11 without his buddies or try out for a less competitive league.
It was so hard for him to watch his friends try out for different teams. There were lots of tears and yelling about the “unfair rules”. But here we are nearly a year later, and I can tell you that it worked out just fine. He has made new friends on his current soccer team, he has continued to grow and develop as a young athlete, and most importantly (to me) he continues to enjoy and participate in the sport he loves. And with one of our younger sons that misses the 8/1 soccer cut off by 12 days, we’ve already decided to have him start playing on teams according to his age, not his grade. Better to face this fact when he is in 3rd grade rather than when he is entering middle school.
And what did I learn?
Don’t work to break the rules. You’ll pay the price in the end when you reach the place where rules can no longer be bent. I also learned that in the long run it’s okay if you play sports with one age-range of kids and are in a grade with another.
So yes, my kid is the youngest and also probably the smallest boy in the entire 6th grade, and as a boy, that does bother him sometimes. Fortunately for him, his friendly and self-confident personality has so far kept him from being bullied. He also had to deal with the fact that he is playing soccer with kids in elementary-school (which seems like a huge issue when you are an 11-year old boy in middle school for goodness sake!), but he has made his peace with that too.
Yes, he will be the last kid to get his driver’s license, and the last kid to turn 21 in college. And sometimes that will stink (for him, not for us!). But someone always has to be first, someone always has to be last, and I don’t think it is my job as a parent to protect him from that reality. It’s his job to grow from it.
You can check out Sharon at Mom of 6 or on Twitter @SharonMomof6.
twitter: @sharonmomof6
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 26 comments }
Excellent points Sharon! I too have been amazed at the general assumptions of holding boys back in school and pushing up in sports. I once heard a mom complain that her son was too little and tired for all-day kindergarten. Then she rushed home to make dinner before his 2 1/2 hour football practice!
My youngest son has a July birthday and is very young in his class and teams. I completely agree – it is our job to make sure he gets what he needs to grow. It is his job to learn in his environment. LOVE your post!
Valerie´s last [type] ..Magical Thinking
Thank so much Valerie! And how ridiculous is that- a Mom complains about her son being too tired and then signs him up for football where they have 2 1/2 hour practices? Crazy!
Sharon, great post. My son has always been one of the youngest in his class and has always been the oldest on his soccer team. And he has learned to adjust (in fact, since it really has never been pointed out, he don’t believe he is even consciously aware of it), a skill that will take him far in life. Much further than breaking rules or being held back or pushed forward when it wasn’t necessary.
Jacki´s last [type] ..Reduce Your Mail & Save The Planet
Thank you Jacki! I agree- we are teaching life lessons here on how the “real world works”… and when you teach your children to seek ways around the rules by doing that for them, you really should be asking yourself if that is the lesson that you want to impart to your family.
The discussion takes so many angles. Thank you for adding yours Sharon! And to Kludgy Mom for creating space for the whole thing!
This is a wonderful post! I admit, I still have to read the kindergarten post, but it came out just after my neighbor and I had been thinking about the same time. Anyway…
I worked with high school athletes for upwards of 10 years as an Athletic Trainer. Where sports and age and ability are concerned, I feel like these days, parents are sometimes trying to look into a crystal ball and project how their kids are going to be in 10 years. You can’t do that.
I have 4- and 2- year old daughters myself. My oldest DD’s b’day is 12/11. In CA they are systematically moving the dates earlier in the yr for Kinder cut-off. So even tho my girl is academically/socially ready for kinder, she will have to wait a whole other year before entering. (5-turning-6). She is also taller and faster than most kids her age, but not in any org sports yet. But I have friends who have a son that will 5 in the summer and they are *actively* holding him back. Part of their discussion was “sports readiness” when he’s in HS.
The sad part is you can’t predict that physical maturation of your child. They may “seem” taller and faster now, but in 10 years, he may be one of the smallest or most uncoordinated. Or, HE MAY NOT LIKE SPORTS! *gasp* I have seen the smallest freshman become the strongest senior and vice versa, the tall/fast freshman was average 4 years later.
And of course there were the parents that pushed and pushed their child to continually excel at their sport. I always wondered who the child’s success was more for, him or them?
Anyway, a way too long comment, but definitely strikes a cord with me!
Great Post, Sharon!!!!
Maegan (@ByndTheBandaids)´s last [type] ..Is That For Real?! | Health Mysteries Explored | Chocolate
So well said Maegan! Parents do not and can not hold a crystal ball…. so by making moves at age 5 to try to grab a few possible advantages is just silly / crazy….
Who knows what our kids skills and abilities will be 10 years from now- let alone their physical attributes and desires. I know fully well that my son, who at age 11 thinks the sun rises and sets on the soccer field may very well decide that he is done at age 13….. so whatever we have suffered now by playing at age level vs grade level will be just a dim memory…..
My son was mid October baby. He was a second child, shy &had an older sister who loved to talk for him. He was not talking much even in montessori and was half the size as his classmates. After much discussions with his teacher & his dad who is an October baby that did not get held back, we finally decided to give him another to catch up socially and physically. So glad we did. He had so much more confidence. I don’t feel we red-shirted him. He just plain wasn’t ready. He would struggled through school because he didn’t have the skills needed to suceed yet. He hadn’t yet grown into them. This was a long time ago and his teacher pointed out that he would be in a class of kids up to 11 months older. Cut off for kindergarten was November 1. Huge difference.
Hi Jill-
It sounds like you absolutely made the decision that was right for your son… and he is thriving because of it. If a child is truly not ready academically and socially to begin- then a parent needs to do what is best for that child, and I truly applaud you for having the conviction to do that for the right reasons.
I am really speaking against those that just assume a child should be held back because of a late birthday without regard as to whether or not that child is truly ready. Just because a child is a boy, and has a late birthday, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t follow the kindergarten cut-off date.
My guy is the middle of the birthday pack. He will get to learn from those that age before him and hopefully help those that age after him.
JDaniel4′s Mom´s last [type] ..Quest to Find Answers to His Questions
That’s right…. the saying goes “it take a village”…. and that village includes the kids too- because they learn from each other!
I’ve really enjoyed both of these articles on redshirting~ so much, in fact, that I will be requesting my husband read them both over the weekend.
Our oldest daughter is not quite 3 years old yet, so we still have time before we have to make any decisions for kindergarten or sports. We’ve already had a few heated debates about “redshirting” her though, and it leaves a horrible feeling in my stomach. Gigi & Sharon, thanks for addressing an issue that hits close to home for us right now!
Amy @ Counting My Kisses´s last [type] ..Afterglow
Amy, with your daughter not even being three yet- but biggest advice is to put off even thinking about this until next year! So much growth and development will be happening over the next year that I think it will start to become clear to you as to what they right thing will be to do. But trying to figure it out now based on her little 3-year old self is really too much like relying on a crystal ball!
I know this problem well. My older son is young in his class so therefore plays baseball with the class behind him. Our league is strict on it ( yes, I, too, know parents who have tried) and he has just become friends with all the guys he plays with and looks forward to high school where, eventually, they will all play together. And even though it is hard to not be with his classmates, size-wise it has been the best thing for his athletic success. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Paula- our experiences sound so similar. I think it is hard for others to understand how disappointing it is for kids to not get to play the sports that they love with their friends.
This is nice point to discuss and i think we should ask from child how they will adjust himself in that kind of situations if he/she is not giving any answer clearly then i think we should try to give a guide to him/her for better steps.
Love this discussion Sharon! And, I have yet another angle to add to it. My husband coaches our 5-yr-old’s t-ball team. The rules for being on this team say you must be 5 years old. Period. They keep copies of our birth certificates for goodness sake. And here’s my problem…there is a boy in my son’s public school kindergarten class who is 6. Not because he was redshirted. He is 6 in kindergarten because he is autistic and was just finally able to handle kindergarten this year. He would benefit from being on our t-ball team because he would get more social interaction experience and a great male role model, but the t-ball league says no. It is obvious to everyone that this boy would not have an unfair physical advantage over anyone because of his age. I say this rule is unfair. I’m afraid won’t get to play t-ball at all unless he can be with a team of kids and parents that he already knows and trusts. Shouldn’t there be exceptions to the age cut-off rules for sports teams in this type of situation? Are there any precedents anywhere I can use to convince the league to give this boy an exception?
Lea Ann´s last [type] ..What’s in the paper? Week of 3.18 – 3.24
I wish I could direct you to a place that shows where this has been taken into consideration and has worked out, for you to use as ammunition in this fight. But can share with you an experience with a friend of mine. She has an older son with Downs and this little boy really wanted to play baseball, but he wasn’t always ready to play with an age-level from a physical stand point… and his parents allowed to sign up and play with a team at this appropriate age level. He didn’t always want to play (sometimes the playground was more enticing)… but all of the parents on his team and on “competing teams” were extremely supportive of his efforts.
Clearly an experienced, mature mother.
Can I tell you, I am so grateful she asked to guest post, and that you said yes.
I’m going to follow this woman: there is a lot I can learn from her.
Why reinvent the wheel.
Really enjoyed this, Gegg.
Wow Alexandra! You make me sound much more together and mature than I am! I am just working my way through all of these parenting decisions one at a time….. I just have the benefit of repeat experiences with so many kids!
I was just having a similar conversation last evening with my nieces who are young moms. It is a complicated subject for sure. As a mom of four who had birthdays spread throughout the year and all played sports from fairly young ages, it took us in different directions. I believe it is important to consider the academic choice (when to start school) foremost and the individual child (personality and readiness). I remember one of my child’s pre-school teacher’s advice when we were debating sending her to Kindergarten where she would have been one of the youngest in her class. That teacher felt as I did that she wasn’t ready and said to give her the ‘gift of time’ and wait. That same child ended up playing ahead and excelling in sports and it worked for her – going on to play through the college level.
Vicki´s last [type] ..Herbs For Circulation
An excellent article. Made me think of Malcolm Gladwell’s The Outliers. As the book discussed this issue in terms of which kids excel. I remember it keeping me up at night too. Made me smile when I read “It all worked out just fine.” Isn’t that always the way?
Dana
Dana @ Bungalow’56´s last [type] ..40 Lenten Faith Photos: 5 More
I totally agree with you. The birthday cut-off also applies here in the Philippines but I’m not totally aware about the sports cut-off here because sometimes, depending on the sport, they gauge/audition their players based on height but not very much on age. Or maybe I’m just not that informed about that. LOL.
Pinay WAHM Blogger´s last [type] ..My Dream Home Office as a WAHM
In my area the age cuts offs are better – kids born in 2008 register for Kindergarten and join local sports teams together. The problem is for kids born late in the year being the littlest and most immature in their classes – it’s not their fault, yet they are compared to kids nearly 12 months older.
Interestingly, I was in the position of having to apply to have my daughter *held back* in swimming lessons. She has severe hypotonia and cannot stand or walk at age 2 1/2. Although she is making progress, all gross motor skills are delayed. I had to argue/plead with the director of our city’s swim program to keep her in the group for 1-2 year olds and not move her up to 2-3 year olds.
Angela´s last [type] ..A little bit Country, a little bit Rock and Roll
After reading comments about ‘unfair (dis)advantage’ of having kids with special needs on a team and the kids arewith younger peers, I have to speak up.
As you can see by my previous post I kept my daughter in a program that matched her physical ability (actually, most of the 1-2 year olds are ahead of her physically – they can stand/walk and she cannot).
My 4 yr old son also has a physical disability and will be in his second year of T-Ball with kids his age. What do I ask for? That he be accommodated for. He needs frequent breaks, the running significantly reduced, and someone to make sure he heads around the diamond in the right direction.
What do I hope everyone on his team does? Accept him. Be his friend. Play with him. For me sports is not about winning or losing, it’s how you play the game.
I think everyone can learn from playing with a kid who has Autism, Down Syndrome, or a physical ability. And it’s not just about T-Ball, either.
Angela´s last [type] ..A little bit Country, a little bit Rock and Roll
Wow….wonderful posts. I want to add to this thread from more than one perspective so I will apologize in advance since I have a lot to say. I ask for you patience in reading until the end since I think some may appreciate the long term aspect of red shirting that I have encountered.
I was in this position 10 years ago when my son whose birthday (8/3) was almost 4 months ahead of our public school 12/1 cut off date was starting kindergarten. I was shocked when people asked me if I would hold him. He was academically ready for school so I sent him. I felt so strongly at this was the right thing to do I sent my other 2 sons (born 6/26 and 7/30) on time as well. Ove the years I have spoken out against holding which I now understand is referred to as red shirting. My sons have been in class with kids 14-16 months older than they are. I always felt that the older boys in class definitely changed the classroom dynamics to its detriment as they were more mature and competitive..
Academically, two of the three didn’t suffer. My middle son (who was actually premature) really probably wasn’t ready for kindergarten but we started him on time because it would have been very obvious that we didn’t think he was ready compared to his brothers since their birthdays were so close. While he was always on track by the end of the school year, during the year he struggled to keep up. Ultimately we had him repeat 2nd grade emphasizing to him that the school had not “left him back” but that we wanted to give him the “gift of time”. It was a great decision. He is a happy well adjusted 6th grader who is performing just where he should be academically.
Ironically, it is my older son who we are struggling with now. he has always done great academically, however we live in southern California in a rather affluent area so when red shirting occurs it tends to be because parents are trying to give their child an advantage for academics and/or sports (rather than emotional readiness) so many of the boys were held. Consequently, My son was not only the youngest in his grade, he was always dismayed when he was playing baseball with kids in the grade below him. (the cutoff changed from 7/31 to 5/1 when he was a young player). He always wanted desperately to play with the kids in his grade. Ironically there were boys that were held in his grade playing sports at two levels ahead of my son.
The dilemma we face now that our son is a high school freshmen is that age no longer matters – grade does. He is now competing against boys 12, 14, even 16 months older for one of 18 spots on the baseball team. I can’t believe I never saw this coming. It is heartbreaking to see him finally having the opportunity to play with his classmates only to have him worry that he isn’t as big (or mature) or as experienced a player as those he is competing against. If i had to do it again, I’m not sure that I would make the same decision – I may have gone against everything I believed at the time. At the same time I thing the solution is a 2 month range (perhaps august sept) where parents are allowed to decide if the child starts school or not. Outside of that there need s to be compelling evidence to hold. This is the only way that to ensure that the kids in a grade are of similar age. Evidence shows that teachers tend to teach to the level of the older kids to prevent boredom.
Time will tell….hopefully the end result will be that it all worked out.
Donna´s last [type] ..My Children Are Un-American
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