What moves me about Around the Bonfire – and why I am extending this series, if you didn’t know - is how incredibly open the writers are with their feelings.
They’ve entrusted me with some of their most intimate thoughts. It’s an honor that I don’t take lightly.I am truly humbled by it.
Many of you probably already read Erin Margolin. She is a powerful writer, and I couldn’t be more happy to have met her at Blissdom, where she caused me to laugh harder than I had in a very long time. I think of her as one of those writers who truly isn’t afraid to be real, to bare her soul, to show her rough edges and her fears.
Today, she’s talking about one of those fears. But it’s about more than that – it’s about asking the question: when is the pleasure of a hobby not worth the risk? What happens when you don’t approve of something your significant other is doing?
Give her your support today as she writes about Racing Away.
I’ve never sat around a real bonfire before. I’ve never been part of the community required in order to do so. I’ve never been to sleep away summer camp. I was bullied. I never had a big group of friends until I began blogging and using social media. Now I’m fortunate to sit here comforted by your familiar faces. I feel close to you although many of us have never met in real life; some of us have, but only for a few precious minutes.
My husband doesn’t understand our virtual friendships and likely never will. He doesn’t tweet and barely uses Facebook. He loathes the sight of me on my laptop. Because he doesn’t “get it.”
As of this writing, my husband is racing a car on a track in Colorado. It’s one of his hobbies. Playing golf, going to Chiefs & Royals games, and hanging out with his friends are some of his others.
Me? I have a few hobbies: reading, writing and blogging. According to him, these hobbies are lonely, solitary, and make me a recluse…because it’s just me and my Mac staring at one another.
I don’t object to my husband being well rounded and having varied interests. What I’m uncomfortable with is his racing, putting his life on the line, all for the adrenaline rush and stress release. His parents and I have asked him to stop. He won’t. I’ve tried ultimatums, to which he replied,
“Asking me to stop racing is like asking you to stop writing.”
The two are radically different. I’m not risking my life by using my pen and laptop. My writing doesn’t mean my kids might wind up with a dead or paralyzed mother. My writing can’t turn someone else into a paraplegic.
I’m terrified I’ll lose him to danger and recklessness. A loose wheel, a turn taken too fast, a flicker of flames, blood on hot asphalt. Sirens, a gurney, a helicopter ride.
Simply stopping him isn’t an option. It’ll take a big scare or an accident for him to quit, and even then, I’m not convinced he will. He knows how I feel, but won’t stop, and it’s been a bone of contention for years.
He’s racing away from us at 120 mph. In lots of ways. It’s an escape from things, things he may never admit to himself or anyone else.
I don’t run away. Instead, I sit around the bonfire with you and share my fears along with the s’mores.
I picture myself telling our daughters that Daddy is gone. Because he was racing.
A funeral replete with black garb, sniffles and a line of people waiting to toss dirt onto a coffin with a shovel. Saying Kaddish.
I wonder how I will feel knowing that he loved this thing so much that he couldn’t put his family first. He’s an adrenaline junkie, high from the speed and the risk. His philosophy is, “I work hard, so I get to play hard.”
Well guess what? I don’t want to be a widow. I don’t want my kids’ dad dying while doing something so stupid.
I’m honest with my girls. I tell them I don’t like Daddy’s racing because it’s dangerous and he could get hurt. Or hurt someone else. I wonder how he’ll feel when they are old enough to really express this to him? Will he still do it?
What will it take? How much more feeding does his ego need?
He says, “My instructor told me I was born to do this.” Of course he did, you’re paying him every time you go to the damn track!
No. You were born to live and breathe and you got married and had three children with me. You were born to live your life with us!
*****
Thank you for inviting me to sit and be part of your bonfire, Gigi. It’s been good to let all of this out and maybe some of the tension I hold in my shoulders will lighten up. I appreciate being able to share this and call you all my friends. I need you now, more than ever.
Please support Erin by visiting her blog, following her on Twitter, and giving a shout out to her newest endeavor, The Gay Dad Project.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, I feel for Erin. She’s in a really tight spot. Racing is a dangerous sport – and the injuries can be catastrophic. It would be devastating to see her husband in an accident. I hope he will acknowledge Erin’s concerns and find another way to be part of what he loves without placing himself in jeopardy.
Lynn Kellan´s last [type] ..Write this for me
Lynn,
I hope he will find another way, too…but this is nothing new. He’s been doing this for a few years now and I had hoped it would be short-lived…sigh. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Erin Margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Oh Erin.
Substitute your husband’s racing for my husband’s golf and we have theme thing. In fact, my husband just came back from Denver where he went golfing with 9 old buddies for a week. Yeah, during summer break.
And, like your man, mine isn’t the most supportive of my writing. It’s hard to admit it — but we’ve had some pretty big fights about it.
“It doesn’t make you any more.”
“I don’t think golf is making you a millionaire either, Tiger.”
That sort of stuff.
So you have to know you are not alone in this stuff.
{That said, my husband’s thing isn’t as scary as yours. I mean, mine probably won’t die on the golf course. Although people have. People have had strokes and heart attacks. But I don’t things goin’ down that way for him. But I understand the idea of having to explain to your children that your husband chose to do something so dangerous that could take him away from all of you, which feels like a frivolous thing that he should just be able to give up.}
I would so love to get to know you better.
We have much in common.
As do all of us gathered around Gigi’s campfire.
Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson´s last [type] ..Celebrating 13
Renee,
I would love to get to know you better, too. I appreciate your comments. My husband also loves golf and plays frequently. Sigh. But I’d much prefer he golf than race.
p.s. I can’t wait to post at your place–we are on for #LL!
I would feel the same way. My dad rode dirt bikes and I was never afraid( because they were always there), but they don’t go anywhere near as fast. Or weigh as much if they land on you.
And…I had no idea you lived near K.C. We used to live there and have moved to a small city. I really miss it.
Maggie S.´s last [type] ..Seige Day:72 It Feels So Good to Be Right
Maggie,
Yes, I live just outside of KC, MO (literally—I can walk 3 blocks and be in Missouri from my house). We live in Fairway/Mission, Kansas.
Dirt bikes are dangerous, too. Totally different, but can have consequences just as unfortunate…
Maggie,
Dirt bikes sound scary to me, too…yikes!
I can take a short walk from my house and be in KC, MO within a few minutes. We actually live in Fairway/Mission, KS.
Thanks so much for reading & commenting!
I know EXACTLY how you feel only it’s “Un-American” for me to feel the way I feel (others words not mine or my husbands) because my husband’s dangerous activity is his job: He’s Military. I’ve gone through the what ifs and the what would I do? How do I tell the kids? etc. over and over. I’ve planned out the exact sequence of events when the two military officers would knock on my door. And yet he wants to sign up again for another 5 years so that he makes it to 20 years and can retire. I blog to make money so that I can prove to him that he doesn’t need to work doing that for 5 more years. I feel your pain Erin. I don’t know how it feels when it’s a every-time-they-do-it choice as opposed to a sign-one-paper-every-5-years-and-you-are-locked-in choice but I know how you feel about the kids, you & danger. Hugs.
Kristi @ Creative Kristi´s last [type] ..Sunday Show-Off #1 | {The Rice’s World}
Kristi,
I feel that serving in the military is a far more noble cause than racing one’s car; however, like you said, we share similar concerns about the kids, family, and potential dangers/accidents, etc…I am so sorry for what you are going through. Hugs, friend.
Oh sweetie. I wish I had a solution to your problem. The thing is, we can’t fill their void or complete them. They’re wired so differently. I don’t get their need to continue to prove to someone else how good they are when their family is waiting with open arms and willing to love them just as they are.
I feel your pain and have been there. It’s a big part of the reason I’m single so I don’t have a good piece of advice for you except to continue to love him and perhaps he will come around before anything happens on the track that’s going to make him regret it.
You are loved and we are always here for you!
oxoxox
Sili´s last [type] ..Stilettos and Sponsors (#SMLatinas)
Sili,
You sweet girl. You’re right. I suppose they are wired differently. Which explains why they think we’re crazy, too. I wish I could understand it. I don’t know that I ever will.
Hugs to you, so many my friend. This is a tough one. DH and I differ on our opinions of my hobby/work/hishobbies/etc. But none of the things he likes to do are dangerous, which adds a whole new element to the parts about splitting time, doing things apart, etc.
I can’t fix it, of course, but you have my support and my ear if you ever need it.
angela´s last [type] ..Different Roads to Successful Kids
Angela,
Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me. I wish his hobby wasn’t dangerous. But it’s also good to know other couples disagree on their opinions/definitions of hobbies/work, etc. because we sometimes have that issue as well…
Oh, Erin. I’m sorry you’re going through this. All I can do is offer prayers for his safety and for your peace of mind through it all. ((HUGS))
Mrs. Jen B´s last [type] ..Sometimes I Don’t Wanna
Mrs. Jen B,
Prayers and hugs are exactly what I need, so thank you for those. Thanks so much for reading.
xoxo
trying again, my comments aren’t showing up! ACK!
thank you for the prayers and hugs. your support is what i need now. thank goodness for this bonfire and the circle of friends…
xoxo
Erin, I love how transparent this is, and how raw. It takes so very much to be honest with ourselves, our spouses, and our friends.
The trickiest part of marriage is the actual work of compromise with each other/melding our wants, but we don’t talk about that often, do we?
{My heart’s with your’s, girl.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Memories Captured August Linky!
Galit,
Thank you. This was hard to write. I’m still not sure if I’ll share it with him. He basically knows how I feel already.
Yes, compromise is hard. But this one? Oy. I don’t know. I know I couldn’t give up my writing, but I feel like it’s comparing apples and oranges—writing vs. racing….
hugs
Erin,
I hate this for you. I hate that you have to be filled with worry each time he leaves for the track. Honestly, I think he is being very selfish as men tend to be, in general. BUt there may be something more to it, I have quite a few friends who are in the medical field and they seem to be wired different. I think it has something to do with facing life and death every day that they have to take away the weight of it by defying it. The friends I have who are in the medical field ( the men especially) like fast cars, fast bikes and extreme sports like hiking outrageous terrains alone, skydiving and the bungee jumping. I think it may either be a way to feel alive when so aware that death is always possibility or maybe a way to feel at all. I can only speak for the men I know but I truly think it has something to do with the field. I hope one day he sees how much he is hurting you and stops before getting himself hurt. Hugs mama!
Debi (@TruthfulMommy)´s last [type] ..Eventually, All Dogs Go To Heaven & All Kids Go to Kindergarten
Debi,
I agree there’s more to it, the least of which is being in the medical field. I think there’s the feeling of being invincible (tied to ego). I think there’s a feeling of needing to speed/race away from things as fast as he can. I, too, hope he stops before he gets hurt. Thank you for your thoughts and for reading! xoxo
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Oh.. Erin. I am so sorry about this… it really is a difficult situation. My husband is similar in that he does things that I consider dangerous too and you know what… racing is on his list of things to do! I keep telling him that he doesn’t need to do it.
There must be something with husbands and social media! Mine doesn’t understand it either. While I love the friendships that I have made online I wish that we all had the opportunity to get together more often. Regardless… these are the best friendships I’ve had in a long time.
Jackie,
Please tell him he doesn’t need to do it. I wish there were safer ways of getting that adrenaline rush. And I’m relieved to know yours isn’t on board with the social media stuff, too. Maybe they need a guys’ twitter club—and then they’d all be doing it, too? LOL
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Erin, I know the hurt you have around this as we’ve talked about it before and I hate that he is doing something that puts him at so much risk. I also hate that it takes a lot of time away from you while the kids are so young and dependent.
I just love you and I want you to know that.
Julia,
I love you too and want YOU to know that! Thank you for reading this and just being my friend.
I wonder if hearing things from the kids (when they’re old enough to really understand it/get it) will have a different impact? Can you imagine your son/daughter looking you in the eyes and pleading for you to stop doing something dangerous? Granted the twins are just 6 1/2, so they don’t truly get it yet. But they will. And then what?
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Erin,
I’m famous for writing novel-length blog comments (especially here at Gigi’s place) so I apologize in advance for my wordiness. But I want to share my circumstances because we share commonalities.
My husband is an extreme skier. His best days are at not just the tip of mountains, but in the nooks and crannies favored by avalanches. In the “no-fall” zones – so labeled because if you fall…well…you just can’t fall.
But I knew this when I met him, fell in love with him, married him, had babies with him. I knew. So I feel like I can’t do much except try not to think about it until he’s back.
And he is so happy then. Freed. Lighter. Thrilled with life.
He knows I don’t love it but he assures me he takes “no unnecessary risks” …besides the obvious. We do not fight about it because it’s not something he started after we met.
I took him on knowing he’s a bit of a thrill-seeker.
He also rides road bikes on narrow, twisty, steep hills with cars coming in both directions. He mountain bikes on cliffs populated by rattlesnakes. He goes for long runs in 100 degree weather (which for men in their 40s could be seen as dangerous, no?).
But I knew this going in.
When we were 34, our friend died in a motorcycle accident. I’ve watched his daughter – who was four at the time – grow up without him for almost a decade. We had hard discussions about “responsibility” and upped our life insurance. I KNOW it changed Bill in some ways. And I trust/hope he is wiser in his choices.
(Plus we will never ever own a motorcycle. Period.)
Still. It’s not easy, I know. I know. I do. But the truth is, people die in cars on the freeway. Or from disease. Or freak accidents. (Great. Something else to worry about, right?)
I hope he has told you (thoroughly and often) about everything he does to be as safe as possible. And I hope you’ve shared with him how important HIS support of your writing is to you (yes, I noticed that part of the post, too).
And when he’s gone, picture me there holding your hand. Because I get it. I do. I love a man who loves the RUSH of life. And me. And our two children.
And he can’t erase part of his heart without changing who he is.
For clarification, when I said “when he is gone” I meant away from you racing…
Not GONE!!!! Holy crap. I just re-read this and want to be sure you know that’s what I intended, Erin.
Julie,
NO WORRIES! I know what you meant.
The problem for me (or one of them) is that this is a relatively new hobby. As in the last 2-3 years. SO I didn’t know this going into the game as we stood under the chuppah saying vows we’d written ourselves.
And yes, I know people die every day in lots of other ways, but it’s still hard for me to watch him purposely put himself in harm’s way. I know lots of people have argued in the comments about this (i.e. daily risks we all take), but it’s difficult for me to balance that with what he’s doing to be perfectly honest….
I love the novel you wrote and thank you and I love you.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Thanks for sharing here, Erin. I know you’ve got a lot of support coming your way. ((hugs))
Gigi,
Thanks so much for letting me share here. For letting me sit at your bonfire, surrounded by good friends, new friends, and lots of prayers and virtual hugs and thoughts to keep me centered and feeling less alone.
xoxox
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Erin, I’m so sorry your husband’s hobby is so terrifying for you. And also that you don’t seem to feel like he understands yours. There seems to be a roadblock with neither of you fully understanding where the other is coming from. And maybe you won’t. But I do hope you will try. Thank you for sharing.
Em´s last [type] ..Road Trip Quilt Along: Montana
Em,
Roadblock indeed. We’re at an impasse. It makes things difficult. I don’t know what else to do. Maybe if I took up bungee jumping? Only I’m too scared to do that. But I often wonder if the tables were turned—if I was the one doing the dangerous thing, would he care? Would he worry? Would he want me to stop? Would he think about my dying and being left a widower? I don’t know.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Erin, first, HUGS. I know this.
My husband’s hobby is riding off road bikes. Through jungles, deserts and just off the beaten track. He has ridden for 2 weeks straight with 4 other guys in Australia – while I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. He then did it again when our son was not even 1. He’s gone riding by himself to jungles, where if God forbid, something happened to him, help would take ages to get to him. He’s fallen into crevices deeper than he is tall.
We’re just incredibly lucky that he’s not hurt himself yet. He assures me he takes the greatest of precautions and is always, always overly prepared. I believe him and I trust him. I remind him often that I don’t want to be a widow raising our boys alone. He knows my fears. He does his best to reassure them, but I know he won’t stop as long as he loves it.
I won’t even go into the time when he took off to Egypt with his brother during the Libyan revolution early last year, with an open date return ticket. Sigh.
So know that we are here for you, always. xo
Alison´s last [type] ..A Letter – For You
Alison,
I hear you and I am sorry you struggle with a similar situation…how do you DEAL? I feel similarly and it sounds like we’re in the same boat. My problem is: I know he loves it, I know he won’t stop. BUt I can’t stop being anxious about it. I can’t stop imagining his funeral and what to tell the kids. SO what am I supposed to do? Is it all just on me???
Thank you for listening, reading, and commenting…
hugs back to you!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Let’s start by getting the point across that you sharing this with us was brave an dbrutally honest. This is what makes you a good person and a great writer.
MY wife and have disagreements on the amount of time I spend writing. With a novel in the editing stage, you can imagine the late nights for me and the frustrations on her end. But, like you, none of that puts my life at risk.
I love writing. It’s part of who I am, as Julie Gardner said about her husband. If it became known tomorrow that number two pencils are poison and spending longer than two hours at a time writing will end my life at any moment, I’d quit. I swear to God I would.
My number one rsponsibility is protecting/caring/providing/ and loving my wife and three daughers. Period. I’d shut the damn blog, twitter, and facebook down right now if it made me a better father and husband long term.
Your husband, through your loving, supportive care and talking ot, not lecturing, but talking to has to understand where your coming from.
My book would’ve been finished two months ago if I’d gotten in a car, drove to Key West and drank for a week. But I couldn’t and wouldn’t.
You love him, otherwise you wouldn;t have written this. Show him what you wrote, either with your own voice, or this post. If my wife showed me this, I’d scoop you up and be whatever you needed me to be.
best wishes
Lance´s last [type] ..100 Word Song – Peel Me A Grape
Lance,
I couldn’t reply to this yesterday because I got took choked up at the end of your comment. Probably because (a) I haven’t yet shown him, and (b) even if I do, I know it won’t change anything. There is something in him, some part of him–that is racing away. I think from something inside himself and from us physically. Whatever. He’d say there’s no psychology behind it, that he just needs the rush of it and he loves it and it’s totally safe.
But you’re right. If writing was risking MY life, I’d stop. But comparing the two things are like apples and oranges. He doesn’t see it that way.
I feel helpless. I want to be a supportive wife. but I think I’m done.
So I am flying to Oakland to live MY life. I need to start really working on things for me and make MY life happen—-because if I lose him, I will have nothing to fall back on, nothing for myself, nothing that is my career/job. So I’m throwing myself headlong into the Gay Dad Project, and my own blog when I can. But the censorship over there lately does me no good. so it’s hard. Which is why it was such a relief and privilege to post here at Gigi’s. No fear. Unless I show him, he won’t know I wrote this.
Thank you, Lance. Your comments mean a lot to me.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Erin – chills. I am so moved by what you wrote today. So completely MOVED by your courage in writing about something that’s soooo up close and personal in your life.
I wish I knew what to say to make it “all better,” but unfortunately I can’t.
What I can say is I totally, totally understand the “his hobbies are outside the home and my hobbies are inside the home” because that is my marriage also.
It’s funny (in a not-so-funny way) that the person you marry, whom you love more than anyone else can also be a person you never truly 100% know.
You know?
And I’m not saying that part’s a bad thing, it’s just interesting.
Big hug to you for your bravery in writing this.
Missy | Literal Mom´s last [type] ..Book Clubs With Kids
Missy,
I know what you mean about the hobbies being outside vs/ inside.
And to me it’s a little scary, the part about never truly knowing the other person 100%.
I didn’t write this so people could make me feel better; I wrote it because it’s the truth, I needed to share it, and because I just need my friends to know what is on my heart and mind right now. I am maybe seeking some sort of validation (not answer, just to know that what I am feeling is normal and okay in this situation)…since I can’t get it at home.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I am trying to make the marriage work, but I wonder if it can survive this. I am already an anxious person, but these racing trips…ugh.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Until you’re ready to give him an ultimatum {I’m not at all saying that’s the answer!}, you just hang out at the bonfire and continue to rely on your friends until Mr. Danger Zone realizes he’s risking life and family every time he races. We’re here for ya.
MommaKiss´s last [type] ..if I could turn back time
MommaKiss,
I’m not quite sure an ultimatum would work, either. Or what sort of ultimatum, anyway. I’m not keen on them, but I feel like these are special circumstances…
Thank you, friend. HUGS
Erin,
I’m sorry. That’s all.
Sherry Carr-Smith´s last [type] ..Swimming Olympic Gold in 2024
Sherry,
Thank you, sweets. Much appreciated. And I hope you didn’t take offense at my references to becoming a widow. I didn’t intend that at all….are we okay?
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
WOW. I had NO idea.
I have something that my hubby does too that could potentially kill him (you can probably guess or maybe I’ve told you) and it’s so hard because YOU cannot tell them to stop. They HAVE to make up their own mind.
I’m so sorry that you have to worry about him and that he doesn’t listen to your pleas. I’ll pray for his safety since that is all I can do from my end.
Love to you, sweet friend.
xoxoxoxo
Elaine A.´s last [type] ..Having a Daughter
Elaine,
You’re right. We can’t tell them to stop. MommaKiss was talking about ultimatums, but I sorta tried that and it didn’t go well (as I wrote in the post).
Thank you for your prayers, and you’ll have to email me about your hubs’ hobby because I’ve forgotten. Mommy brain.
p.s. just mailed your package!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Oh, how scary. I’m sorry you’re having to vent these frustrations. I hope it never truly does end in injury or worse. But how nervewracking!
Leigh Ann,
Thank you for reading. I hope it doesn’t end up in some tragedy, either. But I guess that’s all I can do—hope. And pray. And wait.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
I would feel the exact same way. I think there is a difference between a hobby that you just don’t care for and a hobby that could irrevocably change your families lives forever. He puts you all at risk for his momentary high, and that really isn’t fair to the four of you. I know that doesn’t help your situation, and I don’t have any advice, but at least you know you have someone else standing in your corner.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..{Not Just For} The Boys of Fall
Jennifer,
Thanks for your input. I appreciate your being in my corner. It’s hard being here alone with the little girls. I don’t know what to do or say to them anymore, although one is obviously too little to understand it…
Erin Margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Hey Erin — thank you for this. I love your writing and your honesty. My husband is a bit of an adrenaline junkie too. He got his pilot’s license. He rides motorcycles, etc. And as foreign as I’m sure this sounds to you, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It makes him happy. I don’t see it as a test of how much he loves me or our kids. I don’t see it as skewed priorities. Because he could die crossing the street on his way to work or a myriad of inane things that happen to people every day. And yes, there’s obvious more risk in his hobbies. But I know my husband is ultimately a very responsible person. We have a pact that if he isn’t totally over-the-moon excited to do one of his more risky hobbies, he won’t. And there have been days he’s decided not to do something because the thought of it wasn’t bringing him that kind of joy. I’d much rather have my kids’ lesson in life being that Daddy (and Mommy, of course) lived life to the fullest then sat around and had regrets (or even worse, resentments).
Doni,
It’s not that I don’t want him to enjoy life and be happy…of course I want that for him.
I also realize there’s imminent danger any time we get into a car to run an errand or hop on a plane to travel for a wedding or vacation.
My husband never turns down an opportunity. NEVER.
And as far as my kids go…that is mainly what this is about. Cannot imagine telling them their daddy died while he was racing. Can’t imagine them knowing he died doing something dangerous and risky just for the rush of it.
I”m glad he is happy, but it is costing me MY happiness. I also didn’t marry this man. I married a man who didn’t own a race car or do the racing “thing.” This is a hobby that has started only in the last 3 years. We’ve been together since 1999. When I said my vows back then, they didn’t include anything about my potentially burying him due to car racing or nursing s husband who became a paraplegic at his own hand…
I am just not where you are. And that’s okay. We can have open discussion about it and I appreciate your input. Maybe one day I’ll care less about it and be able to let go more.
My sweet Erin:
You’re right, racing and writing are two very different things.
one is an excitement gene, the other is connection.
My husband is a pilot. I worry about his hobby flying, but I’ve tried to stop him: and he turns into a pacing caged tiger.
It’s a hard call, and only one you can make.
I do no judging.
Alexandra,
I think I would have the same fears if he was a pilot, too.
I’ve already made the call—I can’t stop him. But I just don’t know how to DEAL with it, and how to not resent him every time he goes. How to not worry constantly and wonder every time the phone rings…and think about all the accidents that could happen.
I know you don’t judge, and I appreciate that.
I love you.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
I absolutely love your writing and your honesty, and I have to say that one of the greatest online connections I have made in the last few months is you.
I felt your pain as I was reading this, not because my hubby’s hobby is dangerous, per se, but because he, too, loves things that take him away from our family. And yet, and yet, would I want to be home bitter and hostile instead? No. However, it doesn’t mean that it never causes me to be bitter and hostile instead.
This marriage gig is tough, isn’t it? So much harder than I ever would have imagined oh so many years ago. I am always appreciative when women like you are honest about it, too.
thedoseofreality´s last [type] ..Thank You So Much, BUT…
Ash/Dose of Reality,
Your first line made me cry. And you should know that while I haven’t been around much and haven’t done any #YeahWrite in forever, that I feel the EXACT SAME WAY.
I don’t want to be bitter and hostile. I don’t want to be scared. I want him to understand where I’m coming from. I want him to have empathy. I want him to NOT WANT to go racing so often.
Marriage is awfully hard, harder than many are willing to admit to themselves or anyone else. I am always happy when others confess the same thing, so thank you. I think my husband thinks we’re the only ones who have it rough. The grass always looks greener thing…you know?
xoxoxo
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Oh my goodness Erin this has to be so difficult! I think as moms, every time we do something, we consider how it will affect our kiddos. Men are such different creatures and it is hard for us to understand how they are wired.
Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I hope by writing and seeing the support you have over here as helped a teeny bit!
Paula @ Simply Sandwich´s last [type] ..Six Ways to Combat Self Doubt
Paula,
I agree, as another commenter said, that men may be wired differently in a lot of ways…thank you so much for reading, listening, and sharing your thoughts with me!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
Oh, Erin… (sigh)
I hope this comes across the way that I intend for it to…not condescending or mean or anything. I am simply trying to help.
I understand your frustration. I “get it.” However, I also know from experience that writing…in any form…can be just as dangerous.
While my situation was completely different (and I’ve talked about it AD NAUSEAM, so I won’t go into deets again), there is an underlying similarity.
While your writing, blogging, networking on facebook is important to you, it IS apparently harming your interpersonal relationships. Maybe not in the definitely final way that you see your hubby’s hobbies could end, but perhaps (and OMG, I say this with love, not condescension) that’s because you don’t WANT to see it that way.
There is so much more that I want to say to you, but I’m afraid that it will lose it’s “feeling” across the internet and come off sounding harsh and pissy…I don’t want that. If you would like to hear more of what I have to say (and I’ll understand if you don’t), you can hit me up on facebook. =)
I love ya, sweetie…and I really do hope things work out for you!!! <3
Christi,
Would love to continue this over email or FB….? and I know what you mean about writing being dangerous. I do…
Will send you msg on FB shortly.
xo
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
wait, are we FB friends??
I am Erin Best Margolin. Why aren’t you coming up on my list? AAAACK!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
I wish I could offer some advice or wisdom, but I don’t think I can offer anything — I’ve not been in a similar situation. I am here listening though and believe that if I was in your shoes I would feel the same way you do & can only imagine how fearful it can be! I hope you can find a compromise that both of you are okay with — and hope it doesn’t come to him (or someone else) getting hurt to find it.
((hugs)) ::passing you another s’more::
Devan McGuinness´s last [type] ..6 Annoying Things People Do That I Could Happily Live Without
Devan,
Thanks for the smores and for stopping by to read and comment. Just that means a lot to me. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Hello,
This is nice article for how people should live their life from my opinion people should try to make always good things which all not hurt to someone else if it happens in life than i don’t think so any other misunderstanding will come in your life.
Sam,
Thank you for your comments!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Hide and Seek
I actually read through all the responses here looking for someone who might have experienced this, at least to some degree. And Julie and Doni, they have. And hopefully they’ll agree with my comments below.
Erin, we are who we are. And Dan is made up a whole lot of different things, and has different needs than you do. In fact, it is probably your differences that make you such a fit. He’s outgoing, you’re not. He likes risks, you don’t. He loves parties and socializing, you don’t. But in spite of your differences, he loves you and you him.
Life isn’t safe. People choose to do things they love because, well, they love them. Whether it’s racing cars, skydiving, extreme skiing, climbing mountains, riding motorcycles, being a firefighter or a cop and being entrusted with keeping people safe — you name it. There’s no magic recipe for what people should like or do or want to do. And part of being married is accepting that.
He’s not doing what he loves to spite you or the girls. He’s doing what he loves because, well, he loves it. And that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means he needs both.
And he’s an adrenaline junky. It could be infinitely worse. He could be addicted to gambling, or drugs, or hookers and sex and cheating – all those things cause adrenaline rushes – albeit in different ways.
I think you should quit looking at this as a willful or intentional act that he does that disregards you, because it’s not intended that way. Dan is a good husband and a good father and a good provider. He does right by you and the girls, in many ways that other fathers don’t or sometimes even can’t. He has a high stress job that requires a lot of him. And he needs a release. And as much as you might think it’s your right, it’s not up to you to decide what release makes him happy. Just as he can’t decide what makes you happy (e.g. writing, hanging out online, etc.). You don’t understand his needs, he doesn’t understand yours — because you both want, and need different things. That, my friend, is part of marriage and living life with someone. Not always easy.
And as someone mentioned, we worry about things like car racing, when people are killed every single day, right around the corner from their homes, by others texting and driving. Or by fluke accidents and by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no “safe” things to do, other than to stay in our little bubbles and never go outside. Which, of course, is impossible.
So you have to ask yourself at what price happiness. Would you give up the things that you love doing and the things that give you joy because Dan doesn’t like or understand them – simply because he asked? I hope not. And I hope he wouldn’t ask. But likewise, I don’t believe that you should ask him to give up something he so clearly loves. And which brings him great joy. And which makes him able to come home to you and your family with a spring in his step and a light heart.
Every thing is dangerous, in some way or another. But the greatest danger, at least to my way of thinking, is trying to hold on too tight and setting boundaries that limit one another. That makes a relationship constricting and can ultimately lead to problems. Let go of Dan with regard to this passion of his. Trust him to learn the right things and to be sure and strong and smart. The very things that attracted you to him to begin with. Trust in him to keep what he loves dear. Trust in him.
And, if by chance an accident should happen, and they might, at least you can know that you supported something that he loved very, very much. And something that brought him great joy in life. But please don’t make the mistake of thinking that accidents only happen when people engage in things like racing — accidents happen every second of every minute of every day — and most often have nothing to do with engaging in something “extreme” and only have to do with being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It’s hard, but let go. Trust the man you married. And don’t think that sharing this note with him will change his mind. He loves what he loves. That is not going to change. And if you continue to work to take that away from him, it will, without question, result in resentment on his part. Just as you would be resentful if he were to take away something that’s integral to your mental well being and happiness.
And he also loves you. Very, very much. Trust him.
Shelly
Shelly Kramer´s last [type] ..How To Back Up Your WordPress Site To Dropbox
I am sorry your comment was not approved sooner. I was at the beach with my children, and when I’m with my kids, I unplug.
Shelly,
Someone can be a great father and a great provider and still be missing something. Yes, he could be smoking crack or screwing hookers, but that’s rather extreme.
I don’t think he should get a free pass because he’s a doctor, works hard, and is a good provider. He doesn’t get to ignore my fears and needs because he works long hours. There a lots of things he does that let him blow off steam, things he does all the time. I don’t stop him from being social–in fact, I encourage it! But there is a line between his hobbies and desires and being selfish.
I realize any of us could die any day by something far less dangerous. But purposefully getting in a car on a racetrack and driving upwards of 120 mph doesn’t allow me to just “let go” of what he’s doing.
I may not be making money. But I am raising our three girls. I keep the house clean, pay the bills, do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, feed and bathe the baby. I don’t get a paycheck. But I work 24/7, I work long hours, too. I am always on call (you know this, you have been there/done that, too). Yet I am censored constantly. I am not allowed free reign with MY hobbies (writing/blog). He has had me remove/take down posts before. I can’t write about just anything, which I resent. So in a sense, he has taken things away from me that I haven’t from him. But don’t misunderstand me—this post isn’t about tit for tat. I’m not trying to take something away from him because he’s taken from me—-I am scared to death of something happening to him at his own hand. The racing terrifies me.
He races. I kiss him goodbye when he goes. I don’t stomp my feet or throw a hissy fit, but I am scared and sad when he leaves and I worry about our kids—this isn’t just about me. What do I tell my kids? Daddy died because he was racing his car. And racing your car is great, and I sure hope you grow up and wanna race cars too, just like daddy. No. I think of the example he is setting for my children. Their father may have many qualities I hope my children emulate, but this is not one of them. I am sure you could say the same about your kids and Mark.
I don’t ask a lot of him. He does as he pleases. We are in counseling. We are working on this and a lot of things. We know we are different. We are not trying to change one another. But what I want is a little more respect and a little more empathy.
I also didn’t agree to marry an adrenaline junkie. This hobby surfaced 3 years ago, long before we even met. If I’d known what I was getting into, I might’ve never gotten into this, into him. I’ll never know.
I support plenty of things he does, and if he died today, I’d be happy knowing that. But it’s different when I’m supporting weekly golf, Chiefs season tickets, Royals games, partying with friends, drinking/going out. Racing? No. And by God if I decided to take up sky diving, I hope he would be worried/concerned about me.
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Shelly,
Someone can be a great father and a great provider and still be missing something. Yes, he could be smoking crack or screwing hookers, but that’s rather extreme.
I don’t think he should get a free pass because he’s a doctor, works hard, and is a good provider. He doesn’t get to ignore my fears and needs because he works long hours. There a lots of things he does that let him blow off steam, things he does all the time. I don’t stop him from being social–in fact, I encourage it! But there is a line between his hobbies and desires and being selfish.
I realize any of us could die any day by something far less dangerous. But purposefully getting in a car on a racetrack and driving upwards of 120 mph doesn’t allow me to just “let go” of what he’s doing.
I may not be making money. But I am raising our three girls. I keep the house clean, pay the bills, do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, feed and bathe the baby. I don’t get a paycheck. But I work 24/7, I work long hours, too. I am always on call (you know this, you have been there/done that, too). Yet I am censored constantly. I am not allowed free reign with MY hobbies (writing/blog). He has had me remove/take down posts before. I can’t write about just anything, which I resent. So in a sense, he has taken things away from me that I haven’t from him. But don’t misunderstand me—this post isn’t about tit for tat. I’m not trying to take something away from him because he’s taken from me—-I am scared to death of something happening to him at his own hand. The racing terrifies me.
He races. I kiss him goodbye when he goes. I don’t stomp my feet or throw a hissy fit, but I am scared and sad when he leaves and I worry about our kids—this isn’t just about me. What do I tell my kids? Daddy died because he was racing his car. And racing your car is great, and I sure hope you grow up and wanna race cars too, just like daddy. No. I think of the example he is setting for my children. Their father may have many qualities I hope my children emulate, but this is not one of them. I’m thinking you could say the same about your kids and their dads.
I don’t ask a lot of him. He does as he pleases. We are in counseling. We are working on this and a lot of things. We know we are different. We are not trying to change one another. But what I want is a little more respect and a little more empathy.
I also didn’t agree to marry an adrenaline junkie. This hobby surfaced 3 years ago, long after we met & married. If I’d known what I was getting into, I might’ve never gotten into this, into him. I’ll never know.
I support plenty of things he does, and if he died today, I’d be happy knowing that. But it’s different when I’m supporting weekly golf, Chiefs season tickets, Royals games, partying with friends, drinking/going out. Racing? No. And by God if I decided to take up sky diving, I hope he would be worried/concerned about me.
Erin,
I definitely see your side – and it’s probably not a surprise to you that Dan is, and probably always will be, very self-focused. He does what he wants, when he wants, and that’s the way it is. I wish you much luck trying to moderate, or change that, but in most instances, people don’t change.
I stand by my thoughts and comments, but I also very much see your POV. But what you like and want when you’re 27 (or whatever age) and getting married changes over time. Life is a journey and change is inevitable. And it’s easy to forget that when you’re in the beginning stages of that journey (it may not feel like the beginning to you, but trust me on this one, it is). If you don’t like what Dan does, all you can do is try and get him to change. And quit allowing him to censor you. Ever. If he refuses to change/give in/listen/adapt to what’s important to you, quit letting him have that kind of control over you.
Shelly Kramer´s last [type] ..Foursquare Encourages Action With Promoted Updates
Very powerful and honest, and I absolutely understand your angst. It’s a hard thing, and we all make choices and we all have our reasons and consequences. I’m of no help, but I see where you’re coming from and I feel for you.
San Diego Momma (Deb)´s last [type] ..The Drive-By
Deb/San Diego Momma,
Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate your kind words!
erin margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
I left my comment for Erin (who is also a very good friend) hours ago. Why is it still awaiting moderation?
Shelly Kramer´s last [type] ..How To Back Up Your WordPress Site To Dropbox
As I just replied to your earlier comment, I was with my children today – end of summer.
Gigi,
we all have to unplug sometimes. i hope you had a blast w/ the kiddos! no worries about approving my comments and all that jazz. i know how crazy it is and what a time suck blog stuff is. thanks again for having me! xoxo
Erin Margolin´s last [type] ..Me? A Writer?
Thanks … didn’t mean to sound witchy … I was just anxious for my reply to appear. Lord knows, we all need to unplug!
Shelly Kramer´s last [type] ..Foursquare Encourages Action With Promoted Updates
Erin,
I completely feel your worry and fear. I have the same issue at my house, though the activity is different, it is no less dangerous. A friend a generation older once told me “I think a lot of men never stopped wanting to be a superhero when they grew up.” A lot of my life experience has led me to agree with her. But it is that same urge that makes them step in where there is danger to strangers, stand between those they love and the bad guys. So I remind myself that I admire the flipside of that coin and try to honor who he is. Even as I too sometimes imagine saying Kaddish and living without my guy. Heavy sigh.