Before all of you Pinterest freaks get on my case, let me make one thing clear before I get into the subject matter of this post.
I do not like Gwyneth Paltrow.
I do like Pinterest.
But…they both make me feel like an ass.
But when she says stuff like this on her stupid Goop site, I realize that she is far less smart than her fancy-schmancy education might otherwise indicate. From Gwyneth’s lips regarding the launch of her first app (puke):
I have always dreamed of finding a city guide that would be just right for me, like a trusted friend whose opinion you knew you could count on.
Really, Gwyneth? You sit around and dream about city guides? That must be nice. Because I work and mother my children, and those two things don’t leave a hell of a lot of time for laying on hammocks and musing about the city guides of my dreams. City guides would imply that I get to travel to fabulous cities. Without children. And drink wine and eat amazing food. But I don’t. So screw you.
And by the way, I don’t want to do your freaking Goop Cleanse. That is an oxymoron, by the way, Gwyneth. The words GOOP and CLEANSE should never be used in the same sentence, except if you’re referring to this Goop, which you are not:
And also? Your website font sucks.
ANYWAY. I don’t need to explain any further why Gwyneth and her condescending bullshit make me feel like an ass and a shadow of a woman.
But I do need to explain why Pinterest makes me feel like an ass and a shadow of a woman.
Because Pinterest is full of things I cannot cook, make, craft, replicate, write or otherwise do.
I am in an visually abusive relationship with Pinterest.
I go there, and Pinterest delivers daily visual blows to my homemaker ego.
And I keep going back for more.
Let me give some examples.
Pinterest Tells Me I Will Never Be Giada DeLaurentiis, The Pioneer Woman, or Nigella Lawson.
I am a pretty decent cook but there’s just no way that my concoctions ever come out looking as beautiful as the ones on Pinterest do. It’s like getting your hair done at the salon and trying to make it look that way when you get home. Examples:
If I tried to make these cookies they’d come out looking like something from a bloody crime scene.
Does your stew ever look this good? Mine usually looks like Alpo swimming in water.
And what, pray tell, is a freaking Amarinth Cluster?
I might as well just serve a Banquet Fried Chicken TV dinner (with apple cobbler and corn)
Pinterest Tells Me I Will Never Be As Well-Dressed as Kyle Richards or Victoria Beckham.
I read fashion magazines incessantly. But I have neither the skill nor the budget to put a look together. So when I look at the fashion pins on Pinterest, it seriously makes me feel like a colossal schlump.
Maybe if I ever left the house. In something other than sweatpants or jeans. But I’d need a reason to do that, and…I don’t.
This just screams: Gigi! You’ve always looked like an ass in bubble skirt and this would just confirm that!!!!!!
I could go on in the style department, but suffice it to say I’ve resigned myself to looking like a frump.
Moving on from Style, let’s talk about Home Decor.
Pinterest Tells Me That I Will Never Have Proper Design Aesthetic, And Even If I Do, I Will Never Afford To Put It Into Place In My Home
Being on Pinterest in the comfort of my home and searching Home Decor pins is like having Jonathan Adler sitting on my shoulder mocking my horrendously poor taste:
Seriously. Will I EVER have a bathroom that looks like this?
Not as long as my entire family insists on using toothpaste as a decorative countertop finish.
And speaking of toilets, the dream of ever having a room that looks like the one above is swirling down the bowl.
I won’t even go into DIY crafts or kiddie projects. It’s just too great a blow to my ego to know that I won’t even start them, let alone complete them successfully. If I want a ball of twine, I won’t be weaving it myself and then fashioning into draperies.
Unrelated to Pinterest making me feel like an asshole underachiever, why do people put inspirational quotes on their boards?
Let’s just say for a moment that I’m at the gym and suffering from a lack of motivation. Or perhaps I’m not reaching a goal for my blog right now that I’d like to achieve. As I reflect on my moment of frustration, am I really going to say to myself,
“I know! I need some inspiration and motivation right now! I just need to go to my Pinterest Inspirational Quote Board and everything will be better.”
I’m not going to be Pinterest-ing at the gym anytime soon.
I’m not going to be at the gym anytime soon period. Which could explain more about why I feel like an ass. No, instead, I will continue to return to Pinterest for my visual beating-down, my daily reminders that my house looks like a bachelor apartment, I can’t style a plate of food to save my life, and I belong on the pages of Glamour Don’ts.
Maybe I need to go find a quote on Pinterest about self-image.