A Desperate Letter To My Kids: S.O.B. (Save Our Blog)

by Gigi Ross on February 27, 2012

Dear Little CEO and Boy Wonder,

Hi. It’s me, Mom.

Some of my blog readers have been asking why I don’t write daily humor posts anymore. At this time last year, I was bringing the funny every damn day. Oops. Sorry. Mommy didn’t mean to use an inappropriate word. Do as I say, not as I do.

I, too, have noticed the shortage of humor around my blog of late. Sure, every now and then I write a funny post, but it’s not like it was back in the day.

I had chalked it up to how much I have been working. Did you know it takes a lot of hours to write funny blog posts? And I was neglecting my poor little baby blog.

But upon further reflection, it can’t be blamed on my schedule.

It’s completely your fault.

You guys are just not that funny anymore. And it’s really cramping the style of this freaking blog. I mean, freestyle blog. Mom did not mean to use another inappropriate word.

Peeps, the blog is called KludgyMom. I’m supposed to be writing my harried tales of half-assed, haphazard parenting. Shit! I swore again. And again. Not half-assed. Sorry.

Where is all of your material? You’re killing me up in here.

Remember the good old days, when I could write about poop in your underwear? Or screaming meltdowns at Chick-Fil-A? Or the night before Easter when I tried to lay out candy as a bunny trail across the upstairs of the house and you refused to go to sleep until 2 a.m.?

I’m not saying stay up until 2, by the way. But give me something to work with. ANYTHING.

Am I feeding you the wrong things? Do I need to start you on a heavy diet of Pixy Stix, like the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras? That seems to get those kids in performing mode in a hot minute.

I don’t get crap around here anymore.

I get the same played-out fight between the two of you. You start by playing some made-up game nicely. Soon it turns into wrestling and giggling. Then, Boy Wonder, you perform a crescent kick to your sister’s solar plexus, followed by a knife-hand strike to her neck. Little CEO then lets out the Shrieking Wail of Pain: “Booooooooooooooooy Wooooooooooooooooooooooonder! STOP it! <incomprehensible moaning sound>”

How many times do you expect me to write about that? At least mix it up, for God’s sake.

The best material you’ve given me in months was when Little CEO told me my face looked fat in the rear view mirror of the car, but that I was still pretty, and then Boy Wonder made it all better by saying, “Yeah, but you have a bunch of ZITS, Mom.”

That actually wasn’t even funny. It kind of made me want to kick you in the balls. I mean, privates. We don’t say balls in this house.

I understand that y’all are growing up. Boy, you’re almost 9. CEO, you’re almost 7. I guess I just wasn’t ready to lose all of my blog fodder so soon. I mean, I’m all ready for you to move out of the house. But I’m not ready for you to turn off the spigot of writing material. I’m really not.

If somebody had told me that kids stop being all that funny at age 9 and 7, I wouldn’t have started a parenting blog. So I beg you both to pull it together and work a little bit on your sense of humor. Otherwise, I’ll have to go back to food blogging. And we all know how much my food blogging sucks ass. I mean, it’s not Mom’s true talent.

I didn’t say ass.

Love and Kisses,

Mom

 

 

 

{ 33 comments }

Goa trip February 27, 2012 at 4:43 am

Nice article with lot of things which you can do for your children to keep them happy.

Alison@Mama Wants This February 27, 2012 at 4:47 am

Thank you for the laugh Gigi!

You said balls!!
Alison@Mama Wants This´s last blog post ..How Love Works

Sorta Southern Single Mom February 27, 2012 at 4:51 am

You’ve done a pretty stinkin’ good job without much to work with! True, though, I hate it when I get to the end of the week and realize my children haven’t said anything blog-worthy!

JD February 27, 2012 at 4:52 am

Funny, I was also complaining about my lack of kid-related blog fodder lately. All mine do is not sleep. Which isn’t amusing for anyone.
JD´s last blog post ..Painted Lady

gin February 27, 2012 at 5:30 am

I guess this means it’s up to you…keep putting embarrassing things in their backpacks. Excellent source of material right there.
gin´s last blog post ..The Post in Which I Dork Out on Everyone

Nicole @MTDLBlog February 27, 2012 at 5:44 am

How about I just send you the twins for a couple of weeks and they should give you blog fodder for a good while. :-)
Nicole @MTDLBlog´s last blog post ..The Authentic Blogger

Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson February 27, 2012 at 6:36 am

Freaking hilarious. (Oops. Sorry, but I’ve got a soon to be 13 year old. And freaking is NOT a bad word at all anymore.)

Have to tell you, I have NEVER thought of you as a “parenting” blog. Sometimes you write about your kids – but you have a whole lot of other stuff to share. I think the first I met you, you were giving some kind of technical tutorial on something that kind of changed my life.

I just can’t remember what it is right now.

But that’s about me and my dementia. Not you.

Shit. You are the bombiest. Sorry. But it’s true. And it looks like you got your funny back. But, yeah, the kids dry up a little. Kind of like breast milk. ;-)
Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson´s last blog post ..What the Deuce Does Huffaloftus Mean?

Karen @ Mom in the Muddle February 27, 2012 at 7:34 am

It comes in phases, doesn’t it? Mine are the same ages. Some days, they can drop a whopper of a story though. Some days I’m not sure I can put it in print!

Jessica February 27, 2012 at 7:34 am

This is so true, I write so much more about my little ones than I do about my teen because they are just funnier. So the most logical fix to this Gigi is that you just need to have one more ;) .
Jessica´s last blog post ..On Being an Autism Parent

kludgymom February 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

don’t even go there :)

Natalie February 27, 2012 at 7:47 am

I blame the school system. Our kids are away from us for 40+ hours a week getting an education. How are we supposed to be privy to their shenanigans if we can’t spend as much time with them?

I think I’ll live though. I would rather have my sanity than their entertainment.

Megan February 27, 2012 at 8:00 am

Ill rent out my toddler to you- you’ll have material, I’ll have a chance to write. Win.

C @ Kid Things February 27, 2012 at 8:02 am

This, exactly. I still have a 3yo and she’s good for some humor here and there, but the well is really running dry these days as far as her older brothers are concerned.
C @ Kid Things´s last blog post ..Picking My Battles

Debra February 27, 2012 at 9:41 am

I think you still have plenty material with the kids left! sounds more like they give you zingers than cute little stories now though! So it now makes me think…..did you plant that tampon in your son’s backback just for blog fodder! haha!
Debra´s last blog post ..Reading To Kids Is FUNdamental!

Connie February 27, 2012 at 10:00 am

Love it! I can empathize, as my kids are 8 and 11 and certainly not as cute and funny as they used to be. I like Jessica’s suggestion that you should have another baby. Think of the years of material you’d have – pregnancy, baby blues, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums – awesome!
Connie´s last blog post ..What’s Your Favorite Children’s Book?

julie gardner February 27, 2012 at 10:12 am

Wait until puberty kicks in…

You’ll laugh until you cry.
(Or just cry.)

But at least you’ll be able to point out THEIR zits.
Silver linings. Silver linings.

Jacki February 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

OMG! I love this. My son is also shorting me on blog materials as of late (he is turning 10). I guess I could write about how he told me last night that my boobs were huge ( I were a B cup out of sheer wishfulness) and then compared hugging me to hugging the Blob.
Jacki´s last blog post ..Blogging Toolbox – Tools For Successful Blogging

Courtney Kirkland February 27, 2012 at 11:52 am

Sounds like you’re still bringing the funny to me! If they start actually giving you material to work with again, be sure to let me know. Because even though this post was so devoid of humor, I almost spit out my coffee when you said balls. Lord knows what would happen if you actual had humorous content. ;)
Courtney Kirkland´s last blog post ..Move to Manual: Shutter Speed

Mary February 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I have a ten year old daughter and she and her friends think they do the funniest things, say the funniest things and are super clever. She’ll retell me stories and jokes and I pretend to laugh because they are so not funny. But now I spy on her and boy is she funny. What makes four ten year old girls sing a song in the backyard with only the words, “grapes, pie and guacamole,” then add dance moves and do it over and over and over? So freaking funny. Although if she knew I just blabbed about it, she’d have my head!

Jackie February 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

What?? Your food blogging is awesome! You should do more of it too!

What’s worse is blogging w/teens and trying to use them as fodder… mine read my blog and complain about what I write about them!

Sandra February 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

There just at an awkward age…give it a few more months and the boy will be grabbing his wang constantly and the girl will be getting boobies, then you can write about that, because we all love the “She’s gotten her boobies” post! But when in doubt, just repost the video of the girl annoying the shit out of the boy. That was Youtube gold!
Sandra´s last blog post ..The bitch is back

Making Our Life Matter February 27, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I absolutely loved this post! Thank you so much for the smile! Have a great day!
Making Our Life Matter´s last blog post ..Winter Fun

Deirdre @ Ladies Holiday February 27, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Now that was funny…and the truth of it. At 9 & 7 the kids start getting cool.

Gretchen February 27, 2012 at 6:45 pm

So freaking funny!

Motherhood on the Rocks February 27, 2012 at 7:15 pm

You could always have another little one (the rookie)… hee hee
Motherhood on the Rocks´s last blog post ..MY TODDLER, THE BOSS

Sharon {Grumpy, Sleepy, and Bashful} February 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Funny blog posts ARE hard to write. But little ones do make it easier than older, cooler kids.

Mine are still little, and it’s STILL hard to turn daily little tragedies (from my perspective only, they LOVE a whole box of cheerios on the floor) into funnies.

Way to go, Gigi!
Sharon {Grumpy, Sleepy, and Bashful}´s last blog post ..The Best Laid Plans=Massive Fail

Candi February 27, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I had to read this twice, the first time, I thought your son wrote it. I really liked your humor.
Candi´s last blog post ..Billy Crystal and the Academy Awards

By Word of Mouth Musings February 27, 2012 at 9:38 pm

you could always make up things … i have heard there are people out there who do that stuff ;)

you do the funny well!
By Word of Mouth Musings´s last blog post ..Bits of Bee, Blissdom and Quotable Bits

kludgymom February 28, 2012 at 1:43 pm

People make stuff up???? :)

Jewel February 28, 2012 at 7:52 am

Have you thought of getting a pet? Less trouble than a baby. I got our kitten at 8 weeks old and she has provided about 10 months of amusing/entertaining blog posts so far, particularly when she interacts with my son. I still found your post interesting and entertaining by the way.
Jewel´s last blog post ..A Sphinx Cat in The Making?

kludgymom February 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm

My daughter would love to have a cat. And my dog would love to eat one. :)

Vanessa March 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You are hilarious!! Love the letter, very touching. :-)
Vanessa´s last blog post ..My Dominican Cake Battle

Alexandra March 5, 2012 at 12:14 am

I loved your food blogging days.

Good stuff, good photos, and I loved the kids’ reviews of the meals.

Good stuff.

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