Today’s bonfire post is one that I particularly enjoyed because when I read it, I thought,
“Is this chick living in my bathroom?”
The conversation that Chaunie from Tiny Blue Lines talks about today is one that I’ll bet happens in your bathroom, too. And it shouldn’t. Why is it so hard to accept our beauty – the kind that everyone else can see, but we can’t?
The other day, I stood in the bathroom, getting ready to hop in the shower before I turned into bed for the night. As I turned to remove my earrings, my husband happened in.
Stopping dead in his tracks at all my naked pregnant glory, he kissed my shoulder and said simply, “Wow. You’re beautiful.”
Disdainfully, I shrugged him off. “Yeah, right. Stop it.”
Sighing at this all-too-typical exchange, he trudged out of the bathroom, leaving me alone and feeling guilty.
Why is my response to my husband always the same? I am lucky enough to have a husband who tells me, almost daily, that he thinks my six-month pregnant self is beautiful—so why can’t I believe him?
The simple truth of the matter is, my husband thinks I’m beautiful.
But I don’t.
I know it’s bad for our marriage. With every kiss I brush off or compliment I vehemently deny, I am hurting not only my husband, but myself, and my daughters too.
Why is it so hard? Why can’t I believe that he thinks I’m beautiful? I know he is sincere. For some crazy reason, he really thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t know what he sees when he looks at me, but it certainly isn’t the mess of stretch marks, back fat, and loose, saggy skin that I see when I look in the mirror.
I grew up with a mother with chronically low self-esteem. In fact, I’m pretty sure almost every single female member of my family has displayed the same behavior I now exhibit. My childhood was filled with a litany of bodily complains from my mother and aunts…
“I’m so fat.”
“Oh, stop, no you’re not, I’m the fat one! Look at these rolls!”
“Please. Do you know how much I weigh right now? Do you??”
It was a constant, constant back-and-forth. A sworn oath to diet and exercise one day, a binge and remorseful body bashing the next.
There was never a healthy body image or appreciation for the female form in my household. And while I’ve tried to combat that now as a grown woman and mother, with exercising (I just ran my first 10 mile race this summer!) and introducing fresh and healthy foods to the girls, I still find myself focusing, over and over, on the flaws of my body.
-My arms are too big.
-My stomach, no matter what I do, or how much weight I lose, will never shake its bariatric-surgery-rolls of loose-flesh-hanging look.
-My legs have cellulite for the first time in my life.
-My hair is flat and thin.
-I’m pretty sure I have a double chin.
-I have one black hair that insists on growing right on the bottom of my chin, threatening to turn me into that old lady in the nursing home, sporting whiskers and yelling at people from my wheelchair.
Why can’t I see past the imperfections of who I am?
I am not my arms, or my stomach, or my cellulite-y legs; I am not even the whisker on my chin.
I am more than that.
I am a mother.
I am a sister.
I am a daughter.
I am a wife who is beautiful in her husband’s eyes.
Maybe you’re not like me; maybe you always believe it when someone compliments you. Maybe you don’t push your husband away when he comes home and you’re covered in milk, baby poop, spit-up and the remnants of your toddler’s lunch.
But just in case…
Here is my challenge to you:
The next time your husband, your boyfriend, your partner, or even a stranger compliments you, do not, I repeat, do not, deny, protest, or otherwise reject the compliment. Instead, I want you to try the two following simple tasks:
1. Say “thank you.”
2. Believe it.
Because we all really are beautiful. Whiskers and all.
Chaunie is a freelance writer, labor and delivery nurse, and advocate for young mothers. She blogs about life as a young mom with three kiddos at www.tinybluelines.com. Also check her out on Twitter and on Facebook.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I relate to this so much! My husband always say, “Why can’t you just say thank you?” But it is so hard to believe when the message coming from the TV and magazines is that you’re not thin enough or your hair isn’t perfect enough and on and on.
Colleen´s last [type] ..He Didn’t Need Me This Time
This is a tough one for me, too. I will do my best to accept the next compliment that comes my way, though it’s so hard to believe those things.
angela´s last [type] ..Covering My Eyes
I do this and I haven’t been pregnant in more than 13 years.
It’s a knee-jerk reaction – a combination of trying to express false humility (why do we teach our girls to do this? it’s antiquated) and also disbelief. I am 43. How can I possibly be beautiful, right?
I should be a matron, at least by Hollywood standards.
My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 16. I got unexpectedly pregnant one month after our wedding and have now have a 15-year-old son and 13 year old daughter..
A part of me felt (at the time) like I was robbed of my honeymoon stage, that Bill was robbed of his young sexy bride.
But he loves me. He thinks I am beautiful.
And I try to believe.
Mine always says it when we get up in the morning and I feel a greasy mess, or when I have a cold or my period. He has weird timing!
Megan´s last [type] ..Engine oil in the blood
Great post, Chaunie. We really need to listen to our husbands more! We trust them, don’t we? They obviously have great taste. I like your challenge and I accept!
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Awesome post! I guess I’m not the only one. Some guys (like my husband) have the same problem. We should all also take the same advice when our parents speak about us.
I’ll never tell my husband but will write it here – yep I get that same stupid hair on my chin and it’s gone before he can notice
I have this problem, more often than I like to admit. I always feel (much like I did as a kid and my mom said the same thing) “oh, he has to say that.”
But honestly, he doesn’t. And I need to remember that, and remember that his view of me matters.
Ginger´s last [type] ..The Inevitable Follow Up Post
@Julie–I think that’s part of my problem too! I was actually pregnant on my honeymoon (I was 5 months pregnant with our first daughter when we married), so part of my carries that guilt around with me…
These comments almost make me want to cry. Why on earth can’t we believe we are beautiful? I am struggling even more now than when I wrote this post, currently at 8 weeks postpartum.
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This could be my bathroom. And my life!
My husband tells me I’m beautiful all the time, and I usually just roll my eyes. “Why don’t you believe me?” he’ll ask. “I believe that you believe” is normally my answer, but that’s not really good enough is it.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Frayed
That’s a tough one. I have resorted to locking doors when changing because of how awful I feel about myself. We are our own worst critics.
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Hi,
You both are so lucky because everything is going on on right way in right direction and i think you shouldn’t come negativity in your mind which can hurt you in some ways.
Interesting post.
As a man I have heard the exact same response from my girl. So this is an education to me.
My suspicion is that we’re so used to people BS’ing us with mundane comments on all manner of life occurrences that we tend to assume many such things might be insincere.
It’s a beautiful day, someone says. You don’t necessarily think so but you always say, “Yes.”
Thing is they might not think the day is so beautiful, either. They’re just making small talk.
Or what about this:
If someone fishes for a compliment–does this dress make my butt look fat?–we all know better than to actually tell her, “Yes, Lord, you need to take that thing off in a hurry!”
We all know people routinely make observations that are not necessarily heart felt.
So, it wouldn’t surprise me if you’ awareness of this fact carries over, causing you to almost bristle at your husband offering what appears to be just one in a series of trite observations.
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