Today’s post is one I think many of us will relate to: the question of staying home with children, and whether we’ve made the right decision or not.
I still struggle with whether I’m better being a full-time SAHM (not that I have that option anymore), a WAHM who has trouble keeping work in the proper balance, or if I’d be better off working full-time outside the home.
Em from Sewing by Moonlight wonders some of these same things – right down to asking herself whether she’s the best person for the job of Mom and if she’s wasting her education. Join her around the bonfire and share how you feel.
I am an independent, intelligent, educated woman. I have a Master’s degree. I could probably be earning a solid amount of money in my profession. However, my current employers are aged 2 and 4 and they don’t pay one cent in terms of financial compensation. They pay in other, intangible ways, sure, but I often struggle with what I could be doing, how I could be using my education and experience, what I might be earning right now were I not a stay at home mother to two little girls.
Before my children were born, I never envisioned myself as a stay at home mom. I always wanted to have children, but I just assumed my husband and I would find a great daycare and I would continue to work. However, shortly after our first daughter was born, we had to move for my husband’s job. I left a position I loved, and the best decision for our family was for me to stay home with our daughter. Two years later, another daughter joined us, and now we are 4 years beyond when I left my “real” job.
In my heart, I know that “mother” IS my real job. Some days, though, I really wonder if I’m doing a good job in that position, if we made the right decision for me to stay home with the girls, if someone else would do a better job than me providing their daycare, if they would be happier if we had more income to buy them things and take them places, if, if, if. Finances are a struggle. My husband is a teacher, and you know teachers are not exactly “high rollers.” So we are raising our family of four (and four furbabies) on a single, teacher’s salary.
This job (but it’s more than that), this lifestyle, of full-time stay-at-home parent is more difficult than I could ever have imagined. Children have boundless energy, and young ones have constant needs (older ones, too, I imagine, but they also seem like they do enjoy some occasional alone time). There is never a lunch break, or a few moments to joke around at the water cooler, or 5 minutes to quietly reflect and finish my coffee. I am constantly “on.” When I was working, even when I was in the middle of a project, there was still a break for lunch and some time to chat with my (adult!) co-workers. When I went to the bathroom, I closed the door and enjoyed a moment of peace and quiet. The people I worked with certainly were not banging on the door, yelling, “Mama! Maaa-maaa!” Oh, and when they used the restroom they didn’t holler at me when they were finished, “MOM! Will you check and see if I got all the poop off?!”
Instead of a single job, I fill the positions of safety administrator, entertainment coordinator, education director, party planner, chef, referee, chauffeur, nurse, receptionist, mediator, stylist, janitor, and the list goes on. However, the person we hire to care for our children in our absence might be called a nanny, and I admit that I am not 100% confident that I would be the person I would hire as nanny for my children. My education and experience just do not make for a very well rounded resume in that career.
But I am not their nanny. I am their mother. I have to remember that if my children had the option to choose anyone they wanted to care for them during the day, they would choose me, and as a result, I really am the best person for the job!
I sometimes wonder what I’m missing out on in my career. I know it’s going to be difficult to rejoin the workforce when my children go back to school. I am making personal sacrifices in order to stay at home with my children while they are young, and that is not something that I should marginalize. When my husband and I made the choice to become parents, we also had to choose to put their needs first until they are old enough to take care of their own needs. Being selfish is no longer an option.
When I start to lament what I’m missing, I have to stop and remind myself what I’m not missing. I get to be witness and cheerleader to every single one of my girls’ “firsts.” I am there to pick them up when they fall, put a band-aid on the boo-boo and make everything better. I am showing them that I will always be there for them because I always am there for them. I get to see the world through the eyes of a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old, and the perspective of a child is something that adults too easily forget.
This is the right decision for me, my children, our family. And ultimately, being confident in your choices is important. Yes, I struggle with my lack financial contribution sometimes, and the fact that I’m missing out on valuable years of career growth. But because of my girls, I laugh every single day, when I otherwise might not. And laughter adds years to your life, right? So there will be time to be a “big earner” when my little girls don’t need me so much.
I’m Em, a 32-year-old mother of two little girls. I have a Masters degree in Botany, am a former Environmental Educator, and am currently staying at home to raise my children. I started my first blog, littlebitsandmore.com, when my older daughter was 6 months old. It’s mostly an online baby book and a way for far away family and friends to keep up with what we’re up to. This past January, I began my sewing blog, sewingbymoonlight.com, because I wanted a platform to share my creative efforts, and to be a more active and contributing member of the online sewing and quilting community. I run on a semi-regular basis because it gives me an excuse to eat too much chocolate. I sew late at night with black tea and bluegrass music.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
It seems to me that you’re doing an incredible job! And to be honest there are many of us who would love to be in your shoes. I feel like I am missing out on so much stuff with my kids because I’m not with them for the greater majority of the day… I hate it. I hate that my toddler is learning from a stranger at daycare instead of me. I hate that I’m not there to teach him new words, colors, or how to do things that he learns at daycare. I am thankful for the good daycare that I have though and that they put forth great amounts of effort with the kids, but I still feel like I’m missing out.
Jackie´s last [type] ..Lego Kids Fest Giveaway!
I do try and remember that there are plenty of parents would love the opportunity to stay home with their children, but are unable to for any number of reasons. While I do struggle with what I’m NOT doing, I’m trying to keep in perspective all that I AM doing. We have the luxury (can I call it that?) of being in a position where we are able to stay afloat financially on my husband’s salary, so that I can give this time to my children.
I can SO relate to this post! I never imagined I would be a stay-at-home mom. I struggled with the decision before I made it, and continue to do so regularly almost four years later. It IS right for my family. I have no regrets. And there are so many things I love about it. But now I struggle with my sense of self worth. So often as moms we don’t feel valued and appreciated. And we don’t usually see the pay off for all our hard work until way down the line. The same can be true of our professional lives, when we have them, but normally is not.
In short, I feel you! Great post!
You are echoing many of the same feelings I have myself. Maintaining a sense of self worth is tough sometimes, especially on the bad days when I just don’t feel like I’m doing anything right. It’s often really difficult to find time for ourselves and do the things that make us feel whole beyond the title of “mother.” I worry about losing the little things that define me under that one big one.
I always wanted to be a SAHM, but went to school to earn a degree when my boys were small. I was unmarried and knew I was the only person they could rely on.
I ultimately met a great guy, got married & have been able to fulfill my dream of staying at home once we added a third kid to our crew.
I do have the degree and had plans to obtain a Master’s, but one thing has led to another.. life got in the way.. and I’ve been here, out of college for 8 years. I often wonder what the point would be to earn the extra degree now. And as much as I would like to find a job that allowed me flexibility to work around the schedule, it’s often easier said than done. Plus, I like being the person who picks them up from school and the voice that asks how their day was.
Sorry for the novel.. but I can definitely understand where you’re coming from.
Natalie´s last [type] ..October is Awesome
I love that last line, “I like being the person who picks them up from school and the voice that ask how their day was.” Though they may not appreciate it now, I know that my children will look back one day and be happy that I was around when they were small. I know this because it’s how I feel about my own mother, who picked up her teaching career again when I was 9.
And it’s never too late to get that degree. My mother in law finished her Masters degree my husband’s first year of college!
Interesting post. I’m currently a SAHM after takin time out to be more available for my preschool aged child while he was having some social issues. This summer we moved across the country from NY to CA (for good schools, more space etc) and I’m in a holding pattern waiting to see if my child has adjusted well to his new surroundings before I commit to a new avenue in my own profession (I’m a Registered Dietitian bit have burnt myself out from the last specialty in renal dietetics).
It hurts to be an educated professional with accomplishments and to (sort of) be placed behind the needs, wants and wipes of an infant/child. While I am appreciating the ability to see my child’s “firsts” and realize that the time my child thinks I’m the be-all and end-all in the world is limited, it’s still a struggle not to lose a definition of self beyond parent.
Thanks for the post.
Wow, that’s quite a move! I hope your child is adjusting well, and meanwhile you are enjoying the break from professional life and finding joy in motherhood.
I struggle, too, with losing how I define myself personally, without my children in the equation. I do try and do some little things that are just about me, but it’s tough to find that time when my days (and nights!) are occupied with mothering.
You make a good point about being confident in the choices you make. I think that being a mother qualifies you for the job more than any nanny with the most impressive credentials. After all, a nanny is not going to love your daughters like you.
As far as returning to work after kids start school, it’s not easy. I wish I maintained stronger connections with my former colleagues. Fortunately the availability of Linkedin has been helpful with rebuilding old connections and making new ones.
Valerie´s last [type] ..Good Night Moon, Hello YouTube
This is that kind of job which you need to do with your best efforts and if you want to secure future of your children then you need to notice those all things which can effect alot your life.
Sam@India carnival´s last [type] ..Goa Holiday Packages
Thank you for that sentiment. Yes, it’s true that there is no one who will love my girls like I do, no matter what her experience and credentials might be. I need to try and remember that more often, especially on the bad days when I’m particularly frustrated or my children don’t seem to be hearing one thing that I say.
Another obstacle to returning to work at some point for me will be that we no longer live where we did when I left my job. I think that in the interim I will attempt to take some relevant online courses to keep me current.
So, so true everything you say. I am trying to make it as an entrepreneur after being asked to not return to work last year. What a struggle it has been. I’m a single parent and while I would love to be that high roller that I used to be, so much has changed. It’s funny because I was thinking about this same topic when I wrote my last post. Though I’m home, I’m no less busy.
And the questions come: am I doing it right? Should my house be cleaner? (I think the answer to this is yes). Etc, etc, etc. But ultimately, I think that many women would love to have had this chance to spend this time with their child and I am embracing that knowledge. I think the key word in your blog was sacrifice. It is so true and yet at the same time, I think we wouldn’t have it any other way…
oxoxox
Sili´s last [type] ..No Complaints Will Be Accepted
{ 1 trackback }