This is not a recipe post. So my I Don’t Get Within 15 Feet Of The Kitchen readers, stay with me. This post will continue my Rage Against the Magazine and my current obsession with Creepy 1970s Game Show Hosts,
Bon Appetit Magazine’s January issue has declared that whoopie pies are the new cupcakes.
So it must be true.
Yet, I was skeptical. I googled it and apparently, there is huge debate in the foodie community right now over what will be the new cupcake: whoopie pies or french macaroons.
Foodies like to take on weighty issues, don’t they?
Anyway, I am here to declare that I hate the name whoopie pie.
Do you know why I hate it? Because it reminds me of Bob Eubanks.
Bob Eubanks was another creepy game show host. For those of you who can’t shelter your children in your deepening facial lines yet, Bob Eubanks hosted a variety of game shows. His work encompassed such classics as Card Sharks and All Star Secrets. But his seminal work can be found on The Newlywed Game.
And I’m not talking about The NEW Newlywed Game, people. Because that was just a lame sequel. You gotta stick with the best, the original, The Newlywed Game.
My mom would always lay down at around noon every day to watch “her stories.” That was mommytalk in the 70s for “I know you think I’m watching soap operas, but leave me alone because I’m sleeping and leaving you to your own devices.”
God, those were the good old days, when parents could totally NOT supervise their kids.
Now granted, I was a really good kid. Ridiculously good. I never faked being sick because I really loved school. I was sort of weird that way. So if I was home, it was because I had 9-inch snot daggers hanging out of my nose, or because I ate too much Fritos and chocolate cake the night before and ended up puking up the Pepto-Bismol my mom gave me for a tummy ache.
While she <airquote>”watched her stories”<end airquote> I would have this little teeny tiny TV brought into my room so I could rest and watch things like The Match Game, which I talked about yesterday. And I also watched The Newlywed Game.
Even back then, Bob Eubanks gave me the creeps. But what creeped me out most about him? Was his use of the catch-phrase “making whoopie.”
Ew. I cringe just picturing him in his powder blue leisure suit, uttering those words. And um, I cannot believe my mom was sleeping while I watched shizz like this:
So, needless to say, when I think of whoopie pies becoming the new cupcake, I immediately harken back to Bob Eubanks and women wanting some action from behind. And that is just not that appetizing to me when I’m looking for a sweet after-dinner treat.
Perhaps we need to come up with some alternative names for the Whoopie Pie – names that have the same air of sensuality, but less Bob Eubanks.
Alternative Names for The Whoopie Pie
Tube Snake Boogie Tart
Hanky Panky Hot Cross Bun
Gettin’ Busy Ganache
Hide The Bologna Pie
Horizontal Polka Palmier
Clam Dip Cookie
Dip The Wick Dolcetti
Glaze The Donut Ganache
Park The Beef Bus In Tuna Town Petit Four
Two Person Push Up Torte
Disco Stick Divinity
Good enough to eat, right?
Thanks, Mr. Eubanks.