The life you want and the life you have.
Is there a way to bridge the gap without giving up too much?
My friend Julie from Dutch Being Me explores this topic today. She in the middle of a sea change. A little torn between staying within the safe cocoon of her family and spreading her wings to find her own way. I understand this, having faced a similar decision when I was 28 years old. I hope you can share some wisdom with Julie today if you’ve ever been in the same spot.
It’s weird for me around the holidays. Especially in the world of social media. Going to Facebook and twitter on or around these days makes me feel like I’m being left behind by some of my peers. Many have their own families. Many travel back home or to places to see their loved ones. And others have multiple places to be at the holidays. All seem to have a bustling life to share with others. And then there’s me… feeling alone for the most part.
For those of you that don’t know me… I’m 35 and single. I live in a small city and am very close to my immediate family. Most of my friends are online and everyone that knows this (including the few IRL friends I have) thinks this is strange and that I should “get out more”. I am an aspiring writer and would love to see a book I wrote on the shelves of Barnes & Noble one day.
Over the last 9 months, I’ve spent countless hours searching and applying for jobs around the country with little to no response. Just as I was about to start another round of applications, my youngest brother and his wife had their baby boy in mid-November. And my heartstrings told me to take a break from the stress of not hearing anything regarding job offers or a potential move… so I did. I felt a relief that I haven’t felt in a while as I held my then hours-old nephew.
This past week, I decided to list my condo for sale. The condo I thought that I wouldn’t be able to sell easily, and will be left with another pile of debt (I won’t dwell on that too much) from this sale, but would open the doors for me to move away much more easily than before. And in a matter of less than 48 hours, I had two signed purchase offers. {All of this is still very up in the air, but I am confident that a finalized sale will happen.}
Just as my thoughts have started to venture back into the “moving away” arena, my other brother and his wife announced that they were having a baby this coming summer… a sibling for my soon-to-be 3 year old nephew. And in that moment, time stopped for me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so incredibly happy for both brothers & their wives and want them (and our entire family) to feel the blessings of these children.
Here’s where I am torn my bonfire friends… I feel like the world and everything is passing me by. I feel like I am just existing on this planet and not living as I am meant to do. My heart wants to not only spend quality time with this next generation of children in my family (because I’m afraid I will never have my own)… but I also want to experience things that I’ve dreamt about as well. Things like living in a bigger city and maybe even having my own family.
I feel like I have to give up something somewhere in here. My heart is broken that I would have to make this choice… but I don’t want to give up either side of what my heart wants as well.
What do I do? Any wisdom you can provide?
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, I remember that crossroad. And at mine, I choose to pack up and move to New York City. Now almost 20 years later, I’m so glad I did it. It’s an eye-opening experience to live in a huge unfamiliar city, get to know new kinds of people, have opportunities that you would never have in a small town, and be completely dependent on yourself. I went with the intention of only staying a year. To say that I’d done it. I didn’t want to regret later in life that I hadn’t given it a shot. For creative people, (like you madame writer), there is no substitute for being right in the middle of creativity. If it’s not where you are now, go find it!
Lea Ann´s last [type] ..How to make Crayon Cloisonne. {Kid’s Art Project}
Thank you. Being in the midst of creativity and a city is definitely something that inspires me. I love how you gave it a shot for one year – and then decided to stay. I hope that sort of thing happens for me.
Julie´s last [type] ..#SOCSunday: Your Color…
Oh man, such tough decisions. At 37 and now anchored in the city where I live for a lot of reasons, I wish I’d taken some more leaps while I could have.
The simple words I’ve learned over the past year while at my own crossroads have been these: Find your joy. You will not regret trying things you think you’d love, like living in a new city, etc. It doesn’t have to be permanent – You always have the ability to look around and say “Hey, I don’t love a big city. What I miss is my family.” But it may also be that you love your new city and making visits with family is enough.
Either way, you won’t know unless you make a disruption to the status quo. You feel something is missing. So change things up. And write about it. We’re all here for the journey.
I love your “simple words”… Find your joy. Thank you for the wisdom about disrupting the status quo. I didn’t really think about that until you mentioned it. I’ve never changed the status quo. Hmmm.
Julie´s last [type] ..#SOCSunday: Your Color…
Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. I think about you and pray for you (and text with you) all the time. The only advice I can give you is this: If you feel left behind, move forward. And yes, that probably means moving away from your close-knit family. But you need something for YOU, something which the area you’re in now (both geographically and emotionally) isn’t granting you. If you’re not finding what you want where you are, go somewhere else. Think of it this way: you have no immediate family ties, no spouse or kids, to tie you down. You’re as free as you *want* to be. There’s no room for fear here, so let go of it – it only weighs you down. Spread your wings, girl, and find what’s out there waiting for you.
(and ps move to Philly, okay? kthanxbye)
Mrs. Jen B´s last [type] ..Choosing to #HonorMyself
Oh Jen. I love how much of a supporter you are of me and for me. Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me… even when I’m a crazy person that I’m sure you want to throw through a wall. And yes… I think I’ll be looking at Philly as a high possibility.
Julie,
I echo Jen’s thoughts. You are free. YOu can go.
When I made the big move from New Orleans (where I was born, raised, and lived all my life) to Kansas City in 2004, it was hard at first. I had no friends here. Yes, I had my husband, and his job was the reason we moved. But in a way? It was fun to start over, begin again, and meet new people. It took awhile, but I fell into a routine. I made my own friends. I started discovering my favorite bookstores, coffee shops, museums and restaurants. Yes, I had Dan, but he had his job and all of his old high school friends. I had no one. It was scary, but ultimately, it was such a GOOD thing for me to make that huge move and have a chance to start anew. It was just what I needed in so many ways….
I don’t know if that helps you.
You can always go back and visit your family. I know it’s not the same–take it from one who knows b/c she left her own family behind to move to KC—but use your wings. It sounds like it’s time to fly.
I love you.
Erin Margolin´s last [type] ..In My Next Life
Erin thank you. Thank you. And more thank you’s. I don’t know why I forget that you did the same thing essentially. You know I’m scared. Of everything and nothing.
I love you too my friend. I hope we can talk again soon.
I remember being stuck in a relationship and feeling like if I left, I’d never find love again. But I was so unhappy in the relationship. Ugh. It was awful.
But then my friend told me about a sunny apartment in his building.
I rented it, and then I told my boyfriend I had to go.
It was terrifying at first.
And yet it quickly became wonderful.
I loved those 10 months of me-time, and look back at that time as the point where I was the most brave; it was truly a crossroads and I made some of my biggest growth during that period. Leaving the nest is scary. No doubt.
But.
You’ve got those wings for something. Don’t let them atrophy! You will always wonder what you could have done. And home is a soft place you can always visit. GO FOR IT.
Renee Schuls-Jacobson´s last [type] ..The Happy House: A Gift I Didn’t Think I Deserved
Renee – thank you for your story. That is exactly what I want… and exactly what I fear. You say it so well. And I hope I haven’t let the wings atrophy too much already.
My thoughts: spread your wings. Also, don’t allow what others are doing to make you feel inferior. You are a beautiful human being. I remember feeling the same way that you are feeling.
Sili´s last [type] ..Celebrations con Net10
My thoughts: spread your wings. Also, don’t allow what others are doing to make you feel less than. You are a beautiful human being. I remember feeling the same way that you are feeling. Thinking of all kinds of thoughts especially surrounding my ability to have a child because of reproductive issues.
But I also know that I wouldn’t change a thing. I would keep everything as it happened though my original “life” plan was to be married at 25 and have my kids young enough to be the “hot mami” at school
.
Because not having a child allowed me to do things I can’t do now that I have one (well, I choose not to do). You can always go back and visit family. And they will always be just a Facetime away
. I say go with your heart and focus on your dreams and your life. Trust me when I tell you, there are people out there wishing they were you. They might not say it (because it’s a little creepy) but they are out there.
Sit with you feelings and leave behind what everyone else might think or say. And in that moment of oneness, you will find your answer.
Love you, girl!
Sili´s last [type] ..Celebrations con Net10
Sili – you are such a good friend and filled with wise words. You leave me in tears here.
I will sit quietly and find my answer. I love that.
I don’t think it is ever possible to regret moving forward. Difficult yes, scary yes, but you will always have your wonderful family to lean on. I am someone who loves to be near family, but I did venture forth for nine years, and then came back. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Good Luck!
Dana
Dana @ Bungalow’56´s last [type] ..Do Your Kids Ever Worry You?
Oh and I almost forgot. Nieces and nephews will not remember you weren’t there when they were babies. When they are six and older, that’s when they really love their aunties! Go now while you still have a chance.
Dana @ Bungalow’56´s last [type] ..Do Your Kids Ever Worry You?
I have the difficult and scary all melded into one. That’s for sure.
I don’t know if it’s more my nephew(s) remembering me now… or me remembering what they did, how they acted and everything at this age. My 3 year old nephew is just adorable when he interacts with me (his aunt Juju).
Such a hard decision, Julie. I want to tell you to spread your wings and fly…however, I live literally within just a few miles of my entire immediate family. Jason and I moved about 40 miles away years ago, and it felt like I was a world away. I’m so close to my family I couldn’t imagine leaving them all…we are all together most weekends! So I totally get wanting to me near your family.
All that being said, and we’ve talked about this before, I think it would be amazing to get out there and explore. Make new friends. Have some adventure. Such a tough decision! But we’re all here for you every step of the way. xo
Natalie´s last [type] ..Where I’ve Been This Week 2012: Week 3
Thank you Natalie. I’m so glad that I have friends all over the country via social media that can be there for me… almost moreso than family sometimes.
Julie, GO.
Now, that’s the short version. The long version has parts – the first being that no matter what you choose to do with your life, there will be sacrifices. When people say they “have it all,” it means that what they gave up was worth giving up for what they kept. There is no “having it all,” and that’s not a bad thing; instead, it teaches us what matters.
That being said, the second part… I would go. Spread your wings, travel far and wide, if that is what you long to do. It is much easier to do this when you’re Cool Aunt Julie than when you’re Mama Julie. It is easier than ever to keep in touch with loved ones far away (Skype, email, texting, you name it). Yes, you will miss them and they will miss you. But they will certainly know who you are.
And think of the stories you’ll be able to tell them! I had an uncle in the Army and even though we rarely saw him, he was absolutely my favorite relative – partly because he could tell us about living all over the world and all the people (good and bad) he had met.
Bottom line… it’s not the quantity of time you spend with extended family. It is the quality of that time. Make the most of it when you do see them, and let them into your world as much as possible.
Good luck, and good fortune!
~Janice
YES, yes, yes, to the having it all thing. You nailed it, Janice.
Julie, Janice is a smart lady. You don’t know her, but I do, and like the other very smart women commenting on this post…listen to her
Thank you Janice, thank you. I love how your phrased that last part – it’s the quality of that time spent.
Julie´s last [type] ..#SOCSunday: Your Color…
Go. You won’t regret it, even if the first place you go turns out to be the wrong one. You discover so. very. much. about yourself when you pack up and start over somewhere new. I did it at 29…and the first place I tried was hell on earth. But then I moved again, and finally found my roots…in a place I never would have expected. Go. Try. Fly. And if you fall? Get up and do it again.
Amber´s last [type] ..Negotiating with a Terrorist.
Thank you for your story – I will definitely keep that in mind. I am one of those “instant gratification” people (who isn’t these days?!) and if I went to the wrong place first, I’d probably go back to the hometown and be miserable there too.
I agree with everyone above. Go explore now while you can. I think in your heart you know the answer. Sit quietly and listen to your thoughts, heart, gut. It will tell you what it needs.
I think you are right. My heart does know what it wants – and in the end I think my decision will come quite easily to me.
You are in a season of significance my new friend! The leap you take will lead you to a new place within and without. Always take a risk, because regretting NOT taking it is much worse than taking it and regretting it having new knowledge, courage and strength. Your family will ALWAYS be there… wherever you are.
Chris Carter´s last [type] ..Coach Daddy Asks…
Thank you for your wise words Chris. I appreciate them more than you even know.
I’ve never been in this place. So I feel like I’m not really qualified to say much. But, it seems to me this is an opportunity to try something new. Hopefully you would have the means to come back and visit your family often, if you move away.
This is not the same, but I regret not studying abroad when I was a student. I graduated from college a semester early. I had scholarships all through college. I could have easily taken a semester overseas and I didn’t. And that was the best opportunity I had for travel, as I got married and pregnant within months of graduating. I’m not disappointed with where I am, but I am sad I didn’t seize the chance to travel when I could. So, I would say that here is a chance for you to do something you might not be able to do in 2 or 3 years. Seize it!
I hope you find peace, whatever your decision.
I really like that phrase – SEIZE IT – because you are right. I have to seize it to not be disappointed in where I am in life. I might not be able to travel (financially) after the sale – but that doesn’t mean I can’t live a highly fun life in a city somewhere.
How long have you been thinking, talking about moving? Yeah. Do it.
But also? Keep an open mind. We all have a path. One that we sometimes can’t see because of the twists and turns, but when we turn around to see what was behind us, we often find that it was a lot straighter than we ever imagined.
I think you are taking some great first steps. You are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to some new possibilities. The next step is grasping them and holding on as they pull you to where you are supposed to be, whether that is near or far from where you are now.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Children’s Book Review {Vlog}
Keeping an open mind has been something one friend has been telling me over and over and over and over in the last few days. I tend to be stuck in my ways… and am learning that there are many roads to any given outcome.
Thank you Gigi for letting me post to everyone around the bonfire. I appreciate the wise words and kindness more than you even know. I am so grateful to call you (and each person who commented today) a friend.
My mom left her family when she married my dad, and truth be told I am closer to my cousins who lived in her home town (and farther, when her brothers moved away) than I am to the cousin with whom I grew up close to.
I know there are a million variables, but I think you can be a big part of your family even if you are not so close geographically.
Good luck Julie. I know you can take flight!
angela´s last [type] ..Lingering
I think when you sit in the silence and really LISTEN to yourself, you know what you should do. Just because it’s a hard choice, doesn’t make it the wrong choice.
The beauty of walking down a path and realizing we’re on the wrong one? Is being able to go find a new and different path.
Natalie´s last [type] ..What Day is It Again?
Obviously I don’t know you, but when I read this post, the first thing I thought about was my grandma. I lived in Arizona for the first 25 years of my life. She lived way in the hell up in South Dakota. She and my grandpa came to see us once every year; and we went to see them once every year. She wrote me letters — I treasured them. She called — it was always a thrill to hear her voice over the line. I was very, very close to her. The geographical distance? It can be overcome in many ways. Speaking of which, my own aunt moved all over creation but never within a day’s drive of me, and she’s one of my favorite people on the planet. She made sure to be a part of my life, to really know me, and you can do the same with your siblings’ kids. It doesn’t replace actually being able to see them every day, but it is not such a weak connection as you might imagine. Love can be felt across any distance. So, go. Don’t miss your boat! (BTW, I moved far, far away from my the 60-mile radius of my hometown when I was 25. Fifteen years later, I can tell you it was one of the best choices I ever made. Learned a lot, had great fun, and met some of my best friends in life.)
Jenny´s last [type] ..Letting My Husband Cry It Out
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