I think you’ll find today’s post really thought-provoking.
The mom blogosphere is filled with countless posts about how so many of us want an identity beyond motherhood. I see a lot of “I’m more than just a mommy” type of stuff.
But what if being “just a mommy” was okay? That’s the question that the lovely Rivki from Life in the Married Lane explores today around the bonfire. Let Rivki and me know what your thoughts are.
I never really thought about being a mother. It’s not like I was anti the idea or anything like that, it just wasn’t something I thought about when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I was thinking about college midterms, grad school, and, most likely, what song I was going to sing at karaoke that night while nursing a scotch on the rocks after playing a couple games of pool. I thought about what trendy band I could catch at a local dive. I thought about the next underground loft party. I thought about playing Bach at open mic nights and dipping my feet in city fountains bubbling over with laundry soap.
That was my identity. All those vignettes; my life as an indie movie. That’s how I defined myself to myself and, I hoped, to the world.
But when my indie movie life detoured unexpectedly into a documentary of Orthodox Jewish life, I started contemplating motherhood.
I mean, it was hard NOT to contemplate it. Everyone had kids. I mean, everyone. Girls younger than me were already mastering the multitasking necessary for caring for multiple children. When I babysat for my new friends, I was scared to say any wrong thing around these cloistered kids. I was in awe of these little holy people.
Did my new friends realize who they were entrusting their kids to? I hardly felt qualified. There was no Parenting 101 class in college, no How To Not Mess Up Your Kids 305. I was winging it.
And that’s kind of how I felt, still, when I gazed into the eyes of my first baby. My first, little, amazing baby. I was responsible for this guy? I was thrilled. And terrified.
I’m not sure why, but perhaps because I hadn’t longed to be a mother, my maternal skill was slow in developing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I wasn’t enjoying taking care of him, but I was, well, laid back. Really laid back. I wasn’t like my friends, spending countless hours online, researching whether or not the yellow gunk in the corner of his eye was normal, or what should be done about it, if anything. I didn’t go on any forums or join any groups. When I cracked the “What to Expect” book on babies it just made me feel neurotic, so I stopped cracking it.
My baby was the center of my life, and also he wasn’t. I can’t describe it, really, but now, after having my third baby, and just seeing how much more, well, maternal I am, I realize how it’s taken me nearly four years to really settle into the role of mother. To embrace this identity, to love it, to want to excel at it.
Before now, a mother was part of my identity, sure, but I was really just fitting my baby’s schedule into my busy life. Now, I fit my life around my kids’ schedules. It’s the inverse of my life four years ago. And while I don’t have as much time for my creative outlets right now, and often have to choose between sleep and creativity, I am so fantastically happy “just” being a Mommy.
It’s like once I let go of the feeling that I needed to be “something more” than a Mommy, I realized just how much of a Mommy I really was, how fulfilled I felt. And, get this, I’ve had more opportunities for creative projects since I’ve embraced the mommyness in me. Sure, I’ve had to say no to some gigs, and I’ve have to scale back what I can reasonably expect of myself and my time, but it’s a good kind of limitation.
Being a Mommy first means my focus is on my kids. This means I’ve seen the looks of wonder on the face of my oldest when he grasps a new concept, or is enchanted by a book. It means I get unlimited access to cuddles, hugs and sloppy kisses. It means I’m able to revel in their unique turns of phrase and hilarious use of language. I’m not trying to occupy them so I can finish a project, or check my email. I’m present for them (well, most of the time. I’m human, after all).
So, I may not have ever imagined myself as a mother, but thank G-d I didn’t let my lack of imagination deprive me of the rich reality which is my life. It may not be the hip, edgy life I thought would be mine, but I will gladly take the content, routine and blissful life that I lead over hip and edgy any day.
Rivki Silver, Yiddishe mama, specializes in raising two boys and a girl, and plays all kinds of instruments. Was a piano teacher (not the scary kind) for ten years. Loves classical music and also almost everything else. Lives in Baltimore at the moment. Blogs at www.lifeinthemarriedlane.com. Tweets at @rivkisilver.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
It fascinates me how we change in our desires and ideas as we grow up. I haven’t reached the “want to be a mommy” stage, but it’s good to know that if I do change my mind, that stage of just being a mommy will be a happy and satisfying one. =) Thanks for sharing!
TJ´s last [type] ..Moving Forward (PBC Remix)
It is truly fascinating to see how our wants and needs change with time, and how some of them stay the same. And how it’s possible to balance that!
Yes, yes and yes! I think that’s all I got. Beautifully said. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I am able to continue to be a mami first. I love being able to work from home so I can breathe in the miracle of childhood through the eyes of my child.
I love how you put it all, though. Thank you for sharing!
Sili´s last [type] ..Mami’s Guide to Football: The Game
Thank you, Sili! May you continue to enjoy mommyhood!
I can definitely relate to your comment about not giving motherhood much thought before becoming a mother. I can recall covering many topics with friends and family, but being a mom wasn’t one of them. I guess motherhood was just something that was going to happen along all the other things I was going to accomplish. It is wonderful to read that you have found peace and happiness in being a mother.
Valerie´s last [type] ..Don’t Spoil the Movie!
Thanks, Valerie. It boggles my mind how something as profoundly life-changing as motherhood gets lumped together with other to-dos – but there you have it. It’s good to know I’m not alone in that!
Beautifully written, thoughtful and honest. This is ONE model of how to be a loving mother. I hope we can all remember to support one another and recognize there are so many other successful models as well.
Amen to that, Antonia. I have some friends who are much happier mothers when they are working part- or full-time out of the house. Every woman should find the model that best suits them. Thank you for your kind words!
I also never really thought about being a mom…and also not because I was against it…my thought was if it happened, it happened. Now that it’s happened, I’m totally fine “just” being a mommy. I love it. Of course I “am” more than that, but regarding the working world, I’m happy in my mommy role. I also work outside of the home at night and I’ve got to tell you, I’m not into it. Not. At. All.
Jill @ MommyInconsistent´s last [type] ..The One
I think it’s safe to say, since we’re all bloggers, that we are, in a sense, being more than “just” mommies. But it’s great that you’re also comfortable in the role of mommy. Own it! And good luck with the nighttime working. May you always have enough energy!
I think being “just a mom” is a fabulous and noble calling. It’s all I ever wanted to be. My life has worked out that I’ve had to be other things too… head of household, breadwinner, teacher, but I always thought that my way of serving was to raise my kid “right” and that was enough. I wrestle often with the conflict this causes, like today where I have to be dishonest at my job and leave people in a bit of a lurch so I can make one of my son’s dreams come true, but my family comes first.
That’s a tricky balance indeed, but kudos to you for putting your family first. I hope you continue to have plenty of strength to continue to serve your child so well!
So many profound truths about “just being a mom”. It’s nice to recognize that stay at home moms still have desires to do things other than raise children. I also NEVER considered having kids until I met my husband and we became religious. Now that I’m pregnant with our 3rd I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of it. I’ve actually caught myself telling people that I think having the 3rd one will be easier than two or even one for that matter. Funny, but that’s how life is.
B’sha’ah tovah! Feel good! For us, the third was indeed easier. You already know how to juggle things. Or, as I told my husband: “it’s already crazy here, so what’s a little more crazy?” But seriously, I wish you all the ease in transitioning from two to three.
Rivki! I relate to this so much. I can’t express it enough. I was definitely slow to feel both pride and competency as a mother. I always felt terrible that things that “should” feel natural just didn’t. Now with four kids, I have a confident step, but there are still times when I’m like “where did all these kids come from and why does anyone trust me with them!?”
Nina´s last [type] ..Explaining “Sexy” to a Child
It’s good to know we’re not alone! I think it’s important to realize that there’s not “one type” of mother or “one kind” of maternal feeling. We work with what we have and what we feel, and look at us now, what with all our beautiful children! Who would’ve thunk it?
{ 2 trackbacks }