As some of you know, we moved back to Southern California about 6 months ago. The last time we lived here, we didn’t have children.
Upon coming back, I realized that there were some things that hadn’t changed about this place. But now, we have a different lens through which we see things here. A bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived lens that is the hallmark of a parent.
And it is through this lens that I ask,
WHERE IS THE PARENTAL SUPERVISION UP IN HERE????
One thing I stand pretty firm on is not letting my kids play outside in the front of the house without a parent being there. Let’s review the facts:
My kids are 8 1/2 and 6 1/2.
We do not live on a cul-de-sac.
Our street is often used as cut-through for harried moms flying down the road at high speed because they’re late dropping their kids off at the school, which is a block away.
We have TONS of cars on the street (this is California, where no one would waste a perfectly good garage on a car, when it can be a man cave, home gym, storage area, crash pad or sex dungeon).
We haven’t met many of the neighbors outside of our immediate ones, none of whom have children. (read: we have no friends on the block)
So unless my husband or I can play Vigilante Traffic Cop, my kids have to play in the backyard.
Which I’m cool with.
But what I’ve noticed is that my parenting practices don’t seem to be in keeping with the rest of the neighborhood.
Every day on the street, kids that are between the ages of 5 and 9 are playing on the sidewalks and streets, completely unsupervised. There isn’t even a whiff of a parent around. One child is turned loose in the early morning on Saturdays – he’s definitely no older than 7 – and he is out alone all day. Often, I see HIM supervising his younger siblings, one of whom is about 3 and can often be found toddling into the street until he pays enough attention to her to grab her and pull her back on the sidewalk.
Yes, yes, I know what the free rangers would say. So let’s assume that the rate of children being seriously injured in an accident or kidnapped has not gone up in the -ahem- 35 years since I was my son’s age. Let’s further assume that my children are responsible rule-followers (which they mostly are). We’ve been here 6 months and no kid’s been killed or kidnapped on the street yet, so what the heck am I worried about?
I’m still not going to let my kids play outside unsupervised. Why?
Because several things HAVE changed.
There are many, many more cars on the road than there were in the 70s. There are more lost souls running around – homeless, mentally ill – than there were back then. And most importantly, there are many more distractions now: cell phones, stereos, text messages, GPS units, all chattering at us while we’re trying to drive a car.
If we knew and trusted our neighbors, or we lived on a cul de sac, or other factors were different, I might not have the same steadfastness that I do.
Do I worry that I’m raising a couple of helpless children? A bit. Will I regret not letting them run more freely? Maybe.
I know the time is coming where I need to loosen the reins a bit, but my gut tells me not right now, not under these circumstances.
Helicopters hover. But so do hummingbirds. One is brash and noisy and creates dizzying chaos and confusion as it nears the earth. One is delicate and quiet and instinctively knows when to hover, and when to flitter away. Maybe there is such a thing as a helicopter parent. But I’m not one of them. I”m a hummingbird parent. And I’m ok with that connotation.
I am SUPER interested, for those of you that have kids over the age of 5, what level of supervision you place on your kids when they’re outside? It will give me a great bar by which to measure my own level of protectiveness.
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
My 6 year old is not allowed in the front yard without a parent or one of her older siblings. She is NEVER unsupervised. The boys weren’t allowed to walk down the street (on the sidewalk) alone until they were roughly 8.
We don’t live in a cul-de-sac either, but our street isn’t very busy. It has it’s high traffic moments, but generally it’s only people that live here.
And? The boys weren’t allowed to go around the block until they were 10 & never alone.
I still won’t allow my 15 year old out of the neighborhood.
Natalie´s last [type] ..You REALLY get me..
I completely agree with you. My kids are 5 and 3 and I have no intention of letting them run the neighborhood at 7 or 8 like other parent do. I’ve seen too many near misses when kids run out in the street to retrieve a ball without even checking for oncoming cars.
Barbara´s last [type] ..Raspberry Chia Muffins
If my 10yo is with one of my teens, they can walk to the subdivision’s little playground together and hang out. But not often. And my 4yo never goes out unsupervised. It wasn’t always like this – where we lived in Oregon, I used to let them out by themselves all the time, walk to the nearby school and play on the playground, etc (and they were all 4 years younger then!). Where we are now, though, there are a LOT of unsupervised, troublesome packs of kids that wander around (the suburban version of gangs, they mess with stop signs and garbage cans…and other little kids who look like good targets, ie: my nice kids). It’s very sad.
Stacey @ Tree, Root, and Twig´s last [type] ..Many Branches, One Tree (#mbotree): Jennifer from MommyB Knows Best
My 16 and 13 year olds? Pish! They can hit by a car for all I care. (JK!)
We let them go as they will. They’re responsible enough now that we don’t need to worry.
My 7 year old is a different story – he has an Autism disorder and HAS to be watched. But that’s ok. Frequently, he wants to play with Daddy rather than his brothers anyway.
Eric Storch´s last [type] ..Fiction Friday – January 27, 2012
Not long aga we moved from a house located on a culdesac to a new house, also located on a culdesac. We were pretty close to our neighbors at our old house and very watchful of EVERYone’s kids but still, they played outside in and around the street and always knew the rules. WATCH FOR CARS and if you see one, get out of the way!
When we moved to our new house, we were floored to see the kids playing in the street to the point that it’s a major nuisence. They don’t move, nor do their parents. In fact, the parents will actually “cone off” the circle with orange highway cones so their kids can use it as their personal playground. Yup…this is against the law. When we when we drive up, the parents refuse to move the cones so we “can’t” get through to our driveway. We’ve solved that problem, though. We just run ‘em over (The cones…not the kids).
My kids and 6 and 10. They’re not allowed in the front yard without a parent either. I’ve seen neighborhood kids 10 and under walking to the grocery store by themselves. A half mile up the road an a very busy road at that. Also at big events, like community days, kids run where ever they please without any supervision.
In the past year or so I’ve started to give my kids more freedom at the community events, but anywhere else I’m there watching. It can be scary out there. I’m fine with being a hummingbird mom.
Evonne´s last [type] ..Sickeningly sweet
There is a big difference between “helicopter parents” and “parents with common sense.”
I’d like to say that you’re in the latter group . . . and you just so happen to be in a neighborhood of parents who, well, don’t want to parent.
John´s last [type] ..Where bad turns to worse
Sickos and weidos abound.
Don’t blame you for not letting them out front. Nothing is more dangerous than a ‘mother’ at speed. Life on a busy road can be a short one!
Our kids are grown up and in Uni, so we no longer have those supervisory duties … just the instinct to supervise remains.
Symdaddy´s last [type] ..My Boy Waiting For His Appointment With The Vet
We allow our almost 6 & almost 8 year olds to play out front in our neighborhood unsupervised simply because our 2 dogs make the backyard “difficult to play in” even with an actively used pooper scooper.
I think I would be more afraid of the distracted drivers than of unsavory people on your street. Especially the moms who had lingered over their latte before they went to pick up their kid at school so make up the time by driving like a maniac.
I was going to say, what about putting out those little neon men that say ” SLOW, kids at play” so people start to look for darting children in the street but was flabbergasted by Diane’s comment. (Not her comment – but that people put out the orange cones and then refused to move them. What jerks!)
I still believe that if you have people some notice that children are playing in the street it would start to slow them down, at least in the area by your house.
And no – you are not a helicopter parent – just a concerned conscientious one.
My kids, both 8, are still supervised if in front of the house. They are not permitted to run about the neighborhood unsupervised. I recently had a friend tell me I really needed to find an area where I am comfortable giving them more freedom. She, of course, lives on a very quiet street with tons of kids. We live on a boulevard that is a major thoroughfare.
So yes, I too am a hummingbird parent. And really, what’s so bad about playing outside behind a gate?!? Or in the driveway behind a gate? I truly think it is all about where you live. If I lived on a quiet street with tons of kids I would likely relax the reins a bit. My instincts tell me at this point there is no need.
Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop.´s last [type] ..Dress him up with your love.
Genius comparison, Gigi. My girls are still young, but i know it’ll be hard to loosen the reins, especially if we still live on a busy street like we do now.
Leigh Ann´s last [type] ..I was THAT mom. And that one. And that one.
I have a 14 and a 5. The 5-yr-old is not allowed to do ANYTHING unsupervised, because that is the kind of kid he is. He will wreak havoc. It is the rest of the world I am worried about, not necessarily him. So, no, he does not play in the front yard unsupervised. And, he plays in the backyard only if a parent or big brother is somewhere in the backyard too. (My backyard is a bit jungly.) In my neighborhood the mothers have an unspoken rule to mother any kid they can see…so if we go to a park or restaurant I know that there are 5 other moms telling my kid what to do and watching out for them.
The 14-yr-old’s only unsupervised experiences have been at our local mall for two hours at a time, and I was actually in the mall somewhere else, and he was with two friends. In his case, I am protecting him. He is very academically smart and capable, but very introverted and as such goes around sometimes completely unaware of his surroundings. The kids who are his friends all have parents who do the same as I do.
You are doing it right. Trusting your instincts is the right thing to do. I like “hummingbird parent”, that’s a perfect analogy.
Lea Ann´s last [type] ..What’s in the paper? Week of 1.29 – 2.4
I’m lucky enough to live on a cul-de-sac that is nicknamed Sesame Street in our subdivision, because there are SO MANY kids who live on our street. They play in the street, they know to move for cars, and it’s pretty much the culture on the street for everyone to slow down and watch for the kids.
My son is only 2.5, but if he were older, I would let him play on our street, for sure. But one street over in our subdivision? That’s not a cul-de-sac? That people race through in their hurry to get home and get to errands and who knows what else? Not a chance in hell. I wouldn’t actually be worried about unsavory characters, but the people going (no joke) 50 through a subdivision, checking their phones and fiddling with their radios.
I think there’s a lot of gradations between helicopter and reckless–you can allow certain freedoms and not allow others based on your community, your knowledge, and your gut.
Ginger´s last [type] ..Making Time, Taking Time
I’m with you.
Damn street kids!
Yes, exactly! I agree with everything you wrote.
Motherhood on the Rocks´s last [type] ..I LOVE YOU, GOOD NIGHT
I don’t think there’s a specific age or formula to use; it depends on a variety of factors: the traffic on the street; the neighborhood in general; the surrounding families; the individual kids…
I’d like to believe that most parents make good choices and that I can’t judge their decisions because my kids need different things.
However.
I know there are plenty of people with bad judgment…
I just try not to be one of them.
Usually.
My kids are 12 and 14 so they can be independent. We have a shopping center/strip mall one mile away and I even let them ride their bikes there together without me.
But we live on a very (very) steep hill (cars are rare, but those that come down the street fly) and there were no other young children. So when my kids were little we didn’t play out front at all…the backyard was flat and safe.
Such a great topic, Gigi!
My kids are 7 1/2, 51/2, and 3 1/2 and here’s how we roll-
I let them play in the backyard as long as I’m on the main level and can hear/ see them through the (open) sliding glass doors.
Front years? We have to be there. Period.
{Just call me overprotective.}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..Thunder Cake
Our kids are 13 & 16 now and while I wasn’t a helicopter parent either we always felt that there we were better to err on the side of caution then lax parenting. We live in a neighbor where our street isn’t highly used but people still fly down it. Our kids were never allowed to play out front without an adult around, mostly for the sake of kid napping fears. I don’t care how big or small, wealthy or poor, congested traffic or simple quiet street kind of town you live in……sick minded people are every where. It was not worth the risk of what other people thought of our parenting skills to leave our children unattended. I think they gain great independence roaming the back yard while I could peek out the doors and window.
You are right ON. My girls are 7. They do NOT play outside unsupervised. EVER. I’ve had this very conversation with my husband. I used to live in an enclosed development of condos when I was just one year older than my girls are now. I would get off the school bus with my 5 year old sister, let us into the house and then we’d go out to play until my parents came home several hours later. No cell phones, no way to contact them, nor them me. It was a different time. The days of letting your child out and just expecting them home when the streetlights come on are gone.
We live on a very busy street, not far from the highway. Not only do I need to fear them getting hit by a car or a bus, but the idea that someone could drive by, sweep them up, and get back on the highway in a matter of minutes. Hover away, fellow hummingbird. You’re a-ok.
This is depend on parents how they will treat their children while they are out of home and parents always try to give right tips to grow their child for better future.
My kids are 9 and 4. Same street issue as you. Back yard – have fun, *try not* to bother mom. Front yard? Only if I’m out there. Period. And, like you, there are kids who wander the streets like they’re strays.
I’m all about allowing kids their independence. Not in the front yard, though.
Missy | The Literal Mom´s last [type] ..6 Reasons to STOP COMPLAINING!
We actually moved away from Southern California 7 years ago primarily because it was becoming a place we didn’t want to raise our kids. Our neighborhood sounds much like the one you described….cars parked all over the street…roving packs of unsupervised kids, crazy drivers etc. We are in the midwest now and I am EXTREMELY comfortable letting my children play outside. We have TONS of kids on our block ALONE (19 kids in 7 houses!) Everyone looks out for everyone else. We don’t have a fenced yard but we back up to the neighborhood playground. My 8 & 10 year olds are allowed to go over there by themselves. Even my 5 yr old is allowed to go over there with the older kids..it is basically like playing in our backyard. I have windows open so i can see/hear. Kids are allowed to walk around/bike around the block. There is an area across the street with lots of rocks and trees where they are allowed to play as well. my kids NEVER play in the street though there are others in different areas of the neighborhood who do. I think it totally depends on the area, maturity of children, “neighborhood climate” etc. I NEVER would have let my children play like this is So Cal.
Robbie´s last [type] ..I WON!!
Oh yeah, back in SoCal the kids did NOTHING without our supervision unless it was in our fenced back yard. Even in “nice” neighborhoods, there are just so. many. strangers. Lots of people per house, some seemingly not related, staying for a while since they lost their lease or whatever. Who knows.
We did live on a cul-de-sac when we were there and the most my older girls, aged 8 & 9 at the time, were allowed to do was to ride their bikes on the sidewalk from our house at the end of the cul de sac to a friend’s house 4, just FOUR, houses down. Then they had to turn around and ride back. And they always had to be TOGETHER. Otherwise, they were in the back yard or in the house.
Every day you read stories about crazy, sad, unexpected things happening. I’d rather if my kids were never part of those stories. Love your hummingbird analogy. Yes, I’m proud to be a hummingbird, too!
Dwija {House Unseen}´s last [type] ..7 Quick Takes Friday: The Gross Edition (mice? diapers? barf? yep.)
I have a 21 month old so we’re always outside with her, but when I had foster kids I was always outside with the younger ones when we were out front. I was worried about strangers and traffic.
Kids are busy and they don’t pay attention the way adults do.
They are also not aware of strangers the way adults should be.
You’re absolutely doing the right thing.
Leighann´s last [type] ..My Gift to YOU!!
Our front yard is much bigger than our backyard- but b/c we live on the corner, I don’t even like my kids to play out front even if I’m right there with them. Except for summertime when we set up the sprinkler/slip n slide and that sort of thing in the front. Even then, I’m pretty much a total nut, thinking one of them will be distracted and run into the street.
Our backyard isn’t fenced in, but thanks to the driveway on one side, the neighbor’s fence across the back, and some big ol’ trees on the other side, they know the boundaries of where they can go. That’s where they play… and even then, it freaks me out to leave them out there alone. I will for a few minutes if it’s just the 7 year old out there, but only b/c I can see him from our living room.
Next house= fenced in backyard. Which will be the only place they can play without me out there until they are like 14.
Um, apparently, I feel strongly about this. End post in the comments.
Shell´s last [type] ..Things They Can’t Say: A Little Something for Me
I LOVE the term “Hummingbird Mom”! Sometimes just a label change makes a world of difference!
When I think of Helicopter Moms, I think of the moms I know who truly hover all the time. They are so overly involved in EVERYTHING the kids do that the kids are visibly stunted by their “copter” fumes.
I do let my 9 and 4 year old play in the front yard without me, but they can’t go into the street or near the street. We have a big suburban yard, but people drive like a-holes around here. Also, we’ve lived here for 9 years and I know all the neighbors.
Trust your gut, Gigi. Hummingbirds are beautiful and they help their flowers grow!
Iris´s last [type] ..Iris Learns to Vlog
I feel you. Mine are 9 and 4 and my nine year old still can’t play in the front yard unsupervised. But all of his friends seem to be allowed to. They are also allowed to go hang out with friends 3 blocks away at a house that their parents don’t even know the address too. I had one kid that used to live near us, whose mother would go to Walmart while he was out. He’d come to my house stating that his door was locked and his mother, not home. I’d call her cell phone and she’d tell me that she hadn’t expected him home so soon, “Could he hang out with you for a while?”. He was 7. The same age as my son, who couldn’t even go to his friends house unless I’d both met the parent’s AND been inside the home. I cherish my children. I don’t know what’s wrong with some parents anymore. I guess they just don’t realize how quickly it can all be taken away?
Bella´s last [type] ..Moments Of Neurosis – This Is Who I am – Issue 6
My kids are 26 and 24 and when they were little, I did not ever let them play out from without adult supervision. Sometimes I felt like I was being overprotective because the other parents didn’t seem concerned. But then one day a truck that was parked up the street rolled down the street and into our yard – our front yard. My kids had been out there a few minutes earlier with me but I needed to go in and I made them go in with me because of our rule. What if I hadn’t made them go in? They might not have seen that truck rolling down the street. It could have hit them.
It wasn’t a good idea then to let kids play unsupervised in the front and it isn’t now. Especially now. Things are much different than they were when I was raising my kids. When my grandchildren get a little older (they’re 2 and 10 months) and want to play out front, it will only be if I’m with them.
Patty Gardner´s last [type] ..Easy Black Bean Soup
I used to live next door to a helicopter parent and you, my dear are definately not, now hummingbird sounds like me too. I have older children who are 12 and 15 so they watch their siblings, but they don’t venture out of our yard anyways. I have to laugh my husband calls me ultra conservative, (whatever the heck that means), I say NO I am a responsible parent, making my kids aware of stranger dangers and that they need to be conscious of the unfortunate crap that goes on in the world today. Kidnappers are now pedifiles and you can never be too safe. To each his own, it’s how you feel about parenting and your absolutely right.
First – garage or sex dungeon…that could be a hgtv makeover show. Funny stuff.
But seriously – I have a 7 yr.old and a 2 yr.old. We live in a quiet neighborhood with lots of little children and I know many of my neighbors. Somewhere around age 6 I started letting my oldest play with his friends outside by himself. Obviously, the 2 yr. old needs constant supervision in the front yard.
However, I feel your pain. We used to live in So.Cal. and I would NEVER have let my son play in the front unsupervised. That’s why we were at the park ALL THE TIME. I could keep an eye on him and not worry about the traffic. I’m not a paranoid mom and I actually kinda agree w/ the mom who let her son ride the subway in NYC all the way from Bloomies to their apartment all by himself. But there is something about LA drivers that I don’t trust.