Today’s guest post is on a sensitive topic that maybe you’ve had experience with. Whether you have or you haven’t – remember. This is a no-judgment zone and this topic is an important one. I’m thrilled to host my dear friend Stephanie, from Froggy and the Mouse today.
Read Stephanie’s Story
Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. Not a doctor, not a teacher, not a professional ballet dancer – a mom. I had these great visions of reading to my kids, playing dress up, forts built in the living room, and movies on school nights … thoughts like these? That’s all I wanted in life.
The funny thing was, in all those visions? It was me, the mom, and lots of little girls. Daughters. In 25 years of growing up and having daydreams about my would-be kids – there were never boys involved. Not once.
I have a younger sister. I have fourteen female cousins [and one male cousin]. My mother is my best friend. Boys … boys were weird. My only use for boys was the romantic use – because eventually I had to grow up, find one I liked enough to marry and actually have these sweet little girls with. I knew boys were gross, boys were jerks, boys would break your heart – but that’s about it.
And then I birthed two.
With my first pregnancy, I knew he was a boy. I knew he was a boy only because I wanted a girl so desperately there was no way I was lucky enough to get what I wanted. Our first son was born [the Mouse] and I obviously loved him from the moment he was placed in my arms and started squeaking. Up until we actually HAD a child my husband and I had always thought we wanted at least three kiddos. Once we actually had one to take care of, we started having second thoughts. By the time the Mouse was two years old, I knew I would probably have one more child, and that was going to be it.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child I was jabbed in the ribs a lot by friends and family. ‘What is Stephanie going to do if it’s another boy?’ ‘She’s going to break down and lose it at the ultrasound.’ ‘They’ll have to keep trying until they get a girl’. I still craved a little girl, but I started trying to warm myself to the idea of a second boy. More than that, I started trying to warm myself to the idea I would never have a daughter. The whole time, I secretly shopped for newborn Easter dresses and told myself there was no way I was THAT unlucky.
When the tech placed that blob of jelly on my swollen belly and started moving that magic wand around I held on to my husband’s arm for dear life. It took less than 2 minutes for all three of us to recognize the boy parts [which were VERY prominent on the screen] at the same time. The tech congratulated us, my husband beamed, I started crying.
I started crying because I was heartbroken, and then I kept crying because I was so mad at myself for crying in the first place. I stared at that perfect little baby inside of me, with that perfect little … well, penis, and I was so angry with myself. What is WRONG with you? You have a healthy baby boy – something that many, many women would give their left foot for. You’re crying because you can’t buy Easter dresses now? What the hell is wrong with you?!
I stopped crying. I asked all the questions I was supposed to ask at my 20 week appointment. I made the calls to family and friends and announced ‘a brother!’ to them all. I took all the rib-jabbing in stride and said all the right things:
‘Brothers will be so much fun’
‘The Mouse will love having another boy to play with’
‘Boys are so much easier than girls anyway’
I’m not sure if I convinced any of them, because I sure as hell didn’t convince myself. The whole time, I felt like the most awful human being in the whole world – because I was both lying my face off, and also feeling completely guilty for even having these thoughts.
Fast forward 16 weeks – and the most beautiful little baby boy was placed in my arms [again]. My Mouse was brought in not long after that, and when I saw him nuzzle his brother’s nose, and kiss his forehead – I knew. I knew that it didn’t matter what I had dreamt about my whole life. It didn’t matter what I wanted. What mattered was what our family now was.
And now? Now I can’t even imagine having another female in this house other than myself. With all of the dudes running around this place [the dog is male as well], me being the only girl works out really well. Brothers are amazing. Boys ARE easy. The potty training IS messy – but we’re getting there. And even though I know my baby-making days are over, I have lots of friends and family that are perfectly capable of making little girls for me to spoil rotten.
Life is good – especially with lots of boys.
Stephanie Totty [aka: Tottums] is a marketing and social media manager, wife, boymom and self-proclaimed nerd. She blogs on the regular at Froggy & the Mouse, where she spells out real life through gritted teeth, cups of coffee, and lots of hugs. You can usually find her hanging out on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram.
Watch The Live Chat About Gender Disappointment
Watch a group of moms and me as we discuss the touchy subject of gender disappointment during pregnancy and beyond on this week’s episode of The Spill.
Gigi Ross | http://www.kludgymom.com
Stephanie Totty | http://www.froggyandthemouse.com
Michelle Albright-Peters | http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/
Alli Ward | http://www.diapers-n-heels.com
Jennifer Williams | http://www.jenniferpwilliams.com
Robin Farr | http://www.farewellstranger.com