Freak in a freakishly long post.

I’m a Grade A, USDA certified, aged-41 years FREAK. Control freak, that is! But admitting it is the first step to recovery.

Today I allowed Teacher Input Forms to consume my day. What is a Teacher Input Form, you ask? It’s the form we get in our school district where we tell the principal how wonderful little Bruuklynne [that's the Nordic spelling, thank you] or Chazz is, describe his or her learning style, and, in 1000 characters or less, describe why my kid deserves the best teacher in the grade over all the other overachieving little rugrats what characteristics in a teacher will help our child learn best. Then, you write down the three teachers you would most like your child to have the next year.

Boy Wonder will be in second grade next year. So I set out to gather important information about the second grade team weeks ago.

First, I eavesdropped listened to important parent conversations. From these conversations, I learned that the following teachers teach at our school.

1. The Tsarina

2. The Grandma

3. Three young teachers with long straight hair.

Next, I attended an informational meeting with all of the second grade teachers. When asked to introduce themselves, they all stated their names. First and last.They told us all they do the same thing. Same homework, same expectations, same basic discipline.  I was so happy to drink from their endless fonts of knowledge. This was very useful. How will I ever choose?

Then, I slyly used my volunteer position in first grade computer lab as a ploy to pump Boy Wonder’s current teacher for information.  I learned that teachers live in a place called Lowest Common Denominatorville – meaning they don’t trash talk each other. They only say positive things that could potentially apply to every single teacher! They will say things like, “the whole second grade team is really strong” and “she is firm, but encouraging” or “she really focuses energy on reading.” This is disconcerting, as I had hoped to find a teacher that focused on origami and dialects of Aboriginal tribes.

My next idea was brilliant. I asked Boy Wonder which second grade teacher he thought he would like best. After he wiped away a 19-inch drool string off his face and paused  Super Mario Bros., he said “I don’t know any of them.” Excellent. I was ready.

So I go to input the information on the form online this morning. And suddenly, I am paralyzed. Clearly, I do not have enough information to wisely and thoughtfully select the person who is most likely to cater to Boy Wonder’s every educational whim! This is a fork in the road, a turning point, a sliding door moment: if  I make a mistake here, how do I live with myself? I might think he needs Grandma Teacher, but what if he’d do much better drooling over Young Teacher 1, 2 or 3 with long straight hair? What if he gets the Tsarina and she breaks his spirit? What if none of them are able to see the hidden gem that Boy Wonder is? What if they cannot draw out his talents? Will this one choice irrevocably set into motion a course of events that could affect the REST of his LIFE?

Fearing that Boy Wonder might, indeed, show up on an episode of Intervention instead of Jeopardy  if I do not make the correct decision, I set out to gather additional info. First I ask people I know about the Tsarina. Two people tell me that yes, she is a Tsarina, but also a loving ruler who brings out the best in her subjects. One tells me that she is, in fact, a haughty, inflexible and unfeeling despot who has a working guillotine in her room.

I ask about the 3 Young Teachers with Long Straight Hair. Nobody seems to be able to tell the difference between the three, except that one is a brunette. Oh, and she is the shortest. Finally, I ask about the Grandma, and am assured that yes, she is a Grandma.

Oddly, I still feel like I don’t have the full picture. I hobknob with a few girlfriends with first grade boys. One of them tells me that Young Teacher #2 with Long Straight Hair had a cute, flowy white dress on during the informational meeting, which must mean that she is free and open to letting children find multiple paths to educational Zen. She has made her choice.  I am still undecided. I’d listen to my gut, but it’s mainly hungry or gassy.

Then I think about playing some cool strategery with my form. Maybe I should put my real FIRST choice in the SECOND position, since no one probably gets their first choice anyway?

At the end of the day, I put the form back up on my computer screen. I have no more angles to explore, cards to play, scenarios to obsess over. The time for agonizing indecision has ended. I am just letting it all go now and letting the chips fall where they may. I list Young Teacher #1, The Tsarina and Young Teacher #3.

Then I go read all three of their websites, Google them, and find their Facebook profiles….just to be sure.

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