Today, I have a fabulous guest poster. She has a massive, loyal following because her blog is seriously hilarious. She doesn’t promote herself a lot, but Sandra from Absolutely Narcissism is a heavy hitter. Her blog should really be called Absolutely Hysterical because she is blunt and wickedly funny and makes even the most mundane of topics great blog fodder.
Today, she writes a letter to summer. And I think after you read this, you’ll love Sandra as much as I do.
Dear Summer: I Love You But…
You wreak a certain havoc in my life.
You see, when you’re around, I feel this necessity to have my kids outdoors; to enjoy all that you bring: the heat, the sun, the brown skin.
But I have teenagers now. And well, they don’t like the outdoors.
They like video games.
And now they’re on this big gaming kick where they think they’re going to be the next video game pros, and they tell me, “But Mom, I can’t go out right now, I’m in the middle of a tournament.”
But I make them go outside, because I’m the mother.
And so they’re outside.
And they’re sitting on the deck chairs, and they’re brooding.
I’m trying to read my book.
But the brooding is disturbing me.
So I say, “Stop brooding. You’re disturbing me.”
They reply, “You know the sun will give us skin cancer.”
The older one will even quote statistics, “I hope you realize Mom, because I have over 50 moles on my body, I have a 50% higher chance of getting melanoma.”
And I reply, “Of course I realize that. I’m a nurse…pffftt…”
But even though I’m looking at the words on my book, I can’t concentrate, and I’m thinking, “I did notice a big-ass mole on his back earlier today. It was as big as a fricken watermelon seed.”
So I say, “You! Go get a pencil with an eraser on the end!”
And the boy is all, “Why a pencil with an eraser on the end?”
“Because in my nursing textbook, it specifically describes a suspicious mole as being bigger than the eraser on a pencil.”
And so we hunt all over the house, looking for a pencil with an eraser on the end, which, surprisingly, is extremely difficult to find because at the end of the school year, none of the kids even have any pencils left, or the pencils that they do have are broken in half, or have the erasers chewed off.
Finally though, we find a pencil with an eraser on the end.
I place the eraser against the big-ass mole, and shout, “This mole is bigger than a pencil eraser!”
So I inspect the big-ass mole more closely.
I put my face right up to it.
I analyze the edges.
Then, when I’ve gathered my courage, I touch it…
…And it falls off.
And I scream!
And my son screams!
He says, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?”
I reply, “That big-ass mole just fell off!”
My son is crying, “Eww! Gross! Why?”
I pick up the big-ass mole up gently.
Drop in my hand.
Observe it.
Press it between my fingers.
Dully, I reply, “It fell off because it’s a watermelon seed. It must have gotten stuck to your back at breakfast this morning.”
The boy looks at the seed, looks at me, then asks, “Can I go back to my video game?”
Yeah. Just go.
And don’t come back!
…ok, I don’t say that last part out loud.
‘Cause that would be mean since he’s recovering from watermelon seed cancer.
Popularity: 14% [?]
{ 67 comments }
Fantastic! I’m following both of you, now.
Mandi from http://boredombustingmommy.blogspot.com/
That was so so funny! A peek into what mothering a teenage boy is going to be like…
I would also rather be inside. I love Winter. Summer makes me feel so much guilt.
I can never get Kiddo outside. The internet, video games, and reading books is her life.
Funny post!
Poor kid. Wonder if he put it there on purpose! I love being outdoors in the summer. But I gotta have a pool.
Haha. Another wonderful, hilarious, and entertaining post! Great guest post. Thanks for pointing the way over here.
Still laughing about watermelon seed cancer…bwahahaha
I am so looking forward to having teenagers!! **sarcasm alert**
Hope your son recovers from his watermelon cancer
The dreaded watermelon cancer.
It’s like watermelon wine, but with less connection to the French countryside.
I knew I hate watermelon seeds for a reason. Masquerading as melanoma is just plain evil.
Summer is all about A/C baby. For which you need to be inside to enjoy it.
Love seeing you here, Sandra!
Haha! Poor kid!
I love being outdoors in the summer, but I NEED to be by a pool!
Another hilarious post from Sandra, she always delivers, great guest blogger choice!
That makes me not want to have watermelon seeds in my mouth anymore. I kind of wish I could have seen that on video tape though.
Ok sandra? Seriously? You and Gigi in one spot just don’t seem right. That said? I love it!!
Your children. Someday I shall write about mine when they’re teens. But before then? Ima smackdown any dates.
Oh my gosh this is hilarious! I have teens and this is just like our home conversations!
Bahahaha! I’m sorry but that’s just funny in a very wrong way!
Seriously, you’ve got to have a book out there, maybe even two that I can buy, because I love how you write. I am laughing so hard I am crying. This is another post of yours Sandra that I’ll be emailing to all of my friends and family. Even though they don’t blog or read blogs, they sure like yours!
And Gigi, I am so thrilled to find your blog!! I’m excited to read more of your posts
Oh my..I’m going to have to block the hubby from ever hearing about Watermelon seed cancer…he’s a hypochondraic who already made me chop my left ear off after hearing 100 cancer that he can get becaue I made him mow the lawn in the heat.
Thank you for the intro Gigi, hilarious indeed. My 13 yr old is already one for not heading out to the sun, my 9 yr old would be out all day … since its too damn hot for anything in FL right now – schooling is being done … such a mean Mom!
This reminds me of my childhood and my grandma making us go outside and play. We hated going outside. You can’t watch TV out there. Great post- so funny!
Leave the kids inside while you enjoy the sun outside. Works perfect for both.
I guess watermelon seed cancer trumps a boot in your ass extraction. Scratch that, I know how attached you are to your boots.
OMG, you crack me up girl!
Thanks goodness you have been studying nursing and were able to perform that procedure in such a professional manner
Visiting from AN….Great guest post.
It is so hot here! Yesterday it was 100. We are staying inside until it cools down.
I’m most impressed by the fact that you actually had a pencil with an eraser.
LOL!
I love all your posts, Sandra.
And thanks to you, I’ve found this wonderful blog. (:
OMFG… that is hilarious!!
Two words that will eliminate future watermelon seed cancer scares – seedless watermelon!
You are so freakin’ funny!
Sounds like a serious case of watermelon-itis. I love me some Sandra!
I’ve been told the only thing to save you from the trials of watermelon seed cancer and teens is to maintaing a HEALTHY sense of humor. Seems like you have all that and then some. I’ll be back. Got one teen in my house now (just turned 13) and 3 more on the way. Going to need some great humor to take it all without losing what is left of my mind. Great! Diane at http://www.pink-pockets.com
Thanks for the laugh. I just woke my kids up. I personally cannot wait for the day that my kids don’t want to be outside. And sleep past 7 a.m. And can fix their own breakfast.
You freaked me out. I should’ve known it wasn’t cancer. You would not be joking around if it was but you still got me a lil concerned. LOL
This is why I absolutely adore Sandra!
Cute! Thanks for the lead, Gigi! Will be heading over to check out her site.
Sandra, again you have started my day with a great laugh. Only you would see a watermelon seed as a mole. And if only I could have seen your face when it fell off. OMG, how friggen funny. You would have a field day with the freckles and new growths on my fair skin that are getting bigger. And with no health insurance or disability yet, I’ll probably be dead before I get approved. But none of them look like watermelon seeds, Love you lady!!!
Another hilarious, but oddly insightful post from my go-to-good-for-belly-chuckle blogger! Thanks for featuring Sandra today — she IS awesome.
So funny!! Thank you for sharing her with us!
Love it! And I like summer, but don’t love IT. Too. Many. Hours. In. The. Day.
Ugh, brooding distracts me too. I hate it when my husband broods. I say the same thing to him: “Stop brooding. You’re disturbing me.” Brooding is oppressive.
Best of luck to your son in his continued recovery from watermelon seed cancer.
Well, at least that all took about 10 minutes away from the gaming!
OMG Sandra you never fail to make my pee my panties just a bit from laughing so hard.
And what do you mean that the brooding doesn’t stop when they are teenagers. My two girls are 3 and 8 and are already master brooders. Even with the blinds closed I can feel their brooding eyes staring a hole into the back of my head because I made them go out.
Hope your soon recovers soon from Watermelonseedcaceritous. I hear it can be quiet devastating on for the dating life.
OMG.
LOL.
ROFLMBO.
This is what your posts do to me, make me go all initially.
bwahahhahahaha.
hi. thought i commented last night.
back to read.
seriously, i really think I commented last night! This whole summer thing, though, kids are old enough to go in our yard by themselves and I’m kicking them out every other minute on the weekends. During the week? I’m the one stuck inside freezing at work. Boo.
Well, at least you can add “curing cancer” to your resume…even if it is just watermelon seed cancer.
Though, maybe not your “real” resume. I’m not sure how well that would go over in a nursing interview.
ew!! it feel off thank goodness it was only a seed..too funny
following now as i adore your guest post and knew this must be where the cool kids hang
Everyday Life
hilarious! watermelon seed cancer!! i love that it was still there through the brooding and the search for an eraser. that’s one stubborn seed.
That is FANTASTIC!!1 Glad it was just watermelon cancer and nothing to worry about:)
So perfect!
hysterically everyday mundane mamma life perfect
Sounds like my house, ‘cept mine aren’t teens, they are only 9 and 11 and THEY are the next video game pros – get them to go outside, well, honestly, it really isn’t worth Mom’s aggravation. They will get the fresh air when they have to stand at the bus stop for school
Thank you so much Gigi for featuring me on your fabulous blog! You have made a blogger lady very happy! xoxox
My kids are recovering from dirt cancer. And Blue sharpie cancer. And crusty fluff/peanut butter cancer.
Seriously though…
I see all the summer stuff to do and get all excited. Then I work outside all day long, get home and the last thing I want to do is go back outside.
It’s a never ending circle of epic struggle. *sigh* I need more than 1 day off a week.
Sandra,
Another great post! I’m just glad I don’t like watermelon. lol!
Oh my goodness, LOVED this post. Looks like I have found a new blogger to stalk.
Sandra is great! Loved this one, too.
You’ve done it again, girl. Loved this. xo
HAHAHA!! I thought it was just my teen that sat like a zombie with “Mom, just let me get through this…I can’t save it yet!”…
Before they know it, school will be here again and they will have the nerve to say “where did summer go?”
Okay, I am cracking up over here. I’m glad it was just a watermelon seed! And, from now on, just let the kids stay inside playing the video games! And just maybe you’ll get to read that book in peace!
Our Sandra is LOL guaranteed!
Well at least it wasn’t avocado seed cancer.
Erasers: THE new way to remove moles. Well played.
You had me rolling on the floor at “You know the sun will give us skin cancer.” As a mom of a 16yr old, I can totally relate.
My son skateboards all the time, so he is outside, but he spends a lot of time at the doctor getting casts and x-rays. Video games might be better, really.
Classic Sandra! Glad it was only a watermelon seed. As someone who used to hardcore be addicted to video games, keep throwing your kids outside, you’re doing them a good thing haha
I am laughing so hard right now I am crying. I love it. I kept expecting it to be some kind of bug or some joke he was playing on you…
I enjoyed reading Sandra’s letter. I like it.
Those pesky watermelon seeds. We do seedless, which probably means processed or cloned or something bad that leads to real cancer. Sigh. Love you Sandra.
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 1 trackback }