The Trials of Jacob

by Gigi Ross on July 27, 2011

Hi people!

I thought that while I’m taking an unusual {unplugged} vacation, I would have a different sort of guest poster here for Summer of Love this week.

Yes…it’s a….MAN.

If you have not had the opportunity to visit my guest poster before, then you are in for a real treat. My guest today is the fabulous Cheeseboy. I’ve been reading The Blog O’Cheese for almost a year now. There are few bloggers that can write wacky posts as consistently as Abe does. He is super creative and also? He’s a really cool first grade teacher and makes dancing videos with his kids. If you like this post, go visit Cheeseboy’s blog.  Well actually, someone else has taken over for Cheeseboy…you’ll see what I mean.

I am honored to be guest posting on the one and only Kludgy Mom Blog! It’s the perfect opportunity to reach out to the hundreds of women bloggers that have not yet reached out to me. And also perhaps to one or two men bloggers. We do exist, but our numbers are less than that of the Sasquatch.

An open letter from Jacob the werewolf to all of his more “mature” female fans.

Dear women over the age of 21,

I am very grateful that Abe has allowed me use of his blog to reach out to you. He is a good, handsome and incredibly smart mortal man that cares about the well being of shirtless teenage werewolves everywhere.

I am here to ask you women one simple request: ENOUGH WITH THE OGLING AND THE WHISTLES AND THE PSYCHO LOVE LETTERS… IT’S GETTING OLD AND IT’S GETTING CREEPY!

I am 17 years old. 17!!! Wherever I go, you old chicks are totally cramping my style with your staring and drooling. It’s kinda disgusting actually.

You know who else is 17? Miley Cyrus. Yep, 17… and you KNOW you would smack your husband in the pancreas if you ever caught him gawking at her underaged body.

I know that some of you think that I’m just ASKING for it by going shirtless and displaying my perfectly crafted boy pecks. Well, here’s the thing: I’ve TRIED putting on a shirt. I’ve even TRIED putting on metal armor. No matter what kind of clothing I put over these luscious pubescent abs, they just MELT OFF MY BODY, on account of myoverwhelming sexiness.

(Pants will actually stay on me because my legs look like Clay Aiken’s, only slightly hairier. For that, I am grateful.)

I get that it is hard not to look, but do you really have to talk about me like I am a piece of prime meat? Whenever I overhear one of your pathetic, middle-aged cougar conversations about my dark, urban handsomeness, it makes me REALLY uncomfortable.

Do you realize what it’s even like to go through puberty as a half-boy, half-wolf? Most boys get freaked out by a few new armpit hairs. I have armpit hair growing out of my armpit hair!

I promise you, I really am not all that alluring and mysterious. I spend most of my time watching Dr. Oz or Teen Wolf II. (I only wish I could dunk a basketball like that… or surf on top of a custom van.)

Besides it being against the law and somewhat sickening, there are a multitude of reasons you don’t want to be with me:

1. I have to do three circles before I get into bed.
2. I have the hardest time not eating my own vomit.
3. I am not housebroken.
4. I could maim or kill you. (On account that I am a werewolf)
5. Do you like the smell of wet dog?
6. Did I mention that I could kill you at any second?
7. I listen to a lot of Snoop.
8. I have the legs of Clay Aiken.

Plus, Bella needs me. I am her best friend. I help her fix motorcycles. I give her shirtless kisses in the rain and protect her from that pale sicko with the shiny scales.

Really, I promise, I am not interested in you older ladies. Wolves and cougars are not a good mix anyway. I think that I will stick to girls my age named Bella. I helped her fix a motorcycle.

17, motorcycles, boy-pecks, rain kisses.

I appreciate your understanding. You may now go back to swaddling your tee shirt with the picture of me on it in your creepy, old lady bosoms.

But please, go see Eclipse! And go Team Jacob!

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go cliff diving with my buddies.

Regards,

Jacob, Sexy Werewolf Boy

{ 23 comments }

Kir July 27, 2011 at 7:51 am

This is no problem for me, I am more a Pierce Brosnan fan..older than me 😉 and I don’t like vampires or werewolves, I prefer the Magic of Harry…but again don’t want to kiss him..ick. I’d rather find Matt Damon so this is one MILF that u don’t have to ummmm ILF. LOL

What a great post, love u Abe!!!!!

angela July 27, 2011 at 8:10 am

This made me giggle. My SIL and I were recently pondering the fact that the Jacob Barbie (for lack of a better word) is shirtless in the box (though does come WITH a shirt). All sorts of weird messages there…

Alexandra July 27, 2011 at 9:00 am

You know you’re so funny.

SO FUNNY.

mommylisa July 27, 2011 at 9:23 am

Who’s Jacob and why is he a werewolf?

julie gardner July 27, 2011 at 10:48 am

Even without the armpit hair growing out of armpit hair, you had me at this, Jacob:

“I have the hardest time not eating my own vomit.”

Grrrr.

NotJustAnotherJennifer July 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Bwa ha! I love Cheeseboy. Well done!

Alex J. Cavanaugh July 27, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I’d be happy if you kept your shirt on – you make the rest of us look bad!

sprinkles July 27, 2011 at 2:12 pm

No worries, I’m not into you at all, Jacob!

Cheryl P. July 27, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Jacob, I am just not that into you. Sorry, wolfe-boy. Hairy backs are just wrong even on a werewolfe. If I had to pick a side, I guess it would be Team Jacob only because Edward creeps me out even more than you. What good would immortality be as a vampire if blood makes me queasy?
So run, boy, run after Bella.
P.S. What is the big deal with Bella, anyway??? I think she is a freak. She just married a vampire and has the hots for you, wolfe-boy. Can’t she get along with any humans?

Bridget July 27, 2011 at 3:43 pm

This love letter is too much Jacob. I know how it is with you young kids. Always trying to act like you don’t care, but really, really you are secretly in love with all of us.

xoxo

Lazarus July 27, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Another excellent post by Abe, well done! My favorite lines were “I listen to a lot of Snoop” and “Do you like the smell of wet dog?” Great stuff Cheesey One!

Rhonda July 27, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Great post! Hilarious as usual cheeseboy. I can see you feel a kindred spirit with Jakob…what about his lifestyle can you relate to? The Clay Aiken legs, the vomit eating or the armpit hairs???

Robyn Engel July 28, 2011 at 1:42 am

You can never go wrong with a Cheeseboy post. Great choice in a guest blogger. This letter was hilarious.

Alison@Mama Wants This July 28, 2011 at 3:37 am

Abe, this was just fabulous. Only you can write stuff like “my armpit hair has armpit hair”, and make it laugh out loud funny.

Jacob, fear not. I have no desire for 17 year olds, werewolf or not (ewww). George Clooney is more my type.

Kristin @ What She Said July 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I’ve never read a Twilight book or seen a Twilight movie or drooled inappropriately over Taylor Lautner or his shirtless boy-pecs, but I freaking died laughing at this line:

“I have to do three circles before I get into bed.”

Impulsive Addict July 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

If only Cheese was my friend IRL. He’s like my Brad Pitt of the blogging world…except I know his wife is a lot nicer than Anje “big lips” Jolie. And they only have 2 kids and not 15.

Somebody clue Mommylisa in ASAP! She is way behind. =)

Thanks for the laughs!

Missy | The Literal Mom July 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Very Funny, “Jacob.” I’m an Edward girl myself. Until I remember that EDWARD IS NEITHER REAL NOR ALIVE.

Kelley July 29, 2011 at 5:34 am

This was so funny and so, so Cheeseboy! You made some excellent points, CB. I will have to remember them. The one that was especially difficult for me to have to stomach was the fact that you do three circles before going to bed. I just couldn’t handle that!

teachinfourth July 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I have that same problem with clothes melting off my body because of sheer sexiness…of course, Tib can attest to that, too…of course, it was her 100% beauty challenge that did it.

http://teachinfourth.blogspot.com/2009/10/100-natural-beauty-challenge.html

If you are offended by manliness, don’t click the link…oh, and kludgymom, if you are offended by it, feel free to delete this comment before you’re overrun by a trove of internet traffic.

Enough said…

Powdered Toast Man August 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I have the same problem with underwear. It just melts away.

Lourie August 1, 2011 at 11:21 pm

LOL i Love number 5!!! I actually use this one on my teenager. hahaha. Happily I am not one of those creepy old ladies. No I lust after men my own age. Wait. Did I just type that? Never mind! Abe is great. hahaha

Bruna August 2, 2011 at 8:07 pm

I am not Team Jacob, sorry!

Bruna August 2, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Go team Edward! I love me some vampire man 😛 Nice post, Abe! I agree with you. Cougar Moms need to stop salivating over the Jacob’s of the world. C’mon!

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