I’m not sure if you know this, but being a room mom is a grueling, sometimes-humiliating, often-thankless and always-mildly-annoying job. I’m writing to share with you some ways in which we might work better together.
Read Your Email
I know I’ve begged you for money. Donations. School supplies. Time. Spools of thread. Cartons of ice cream. Letters from your kid. Envelopes. Gifts for auction baskets. Your left arm. Please don’t ignore my emails just because I’m pandering for crap again. I don’t enjoy pandering, but somebody’s got to do it, and apparently, you’re at the mall shopping for Jimmy Choos, so I know you have time to read my happy-grams.
Empty Your Kids’ School Folder
Sometimes, I will send a flyer home with Very Important Information on Stuff I Need From You. If you have not emptied your kid’s folder since September 3, you’re not likely to see said Very Important Information. Of course, if you haven’t emptied your kid’s folder since September 3, you probably have bigger fish to fry, now, don’t you? Do you even know about your kid whipping out his disco stick in front of the class last week and singing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga?
When I Ask You For Money, Rest Assured I Am Not Going To A Spa
I’m just a mom, I’m not Bernie Madoff. I will not be using your money to indulge in luxury experiences. Are you kidding me? I haven’t gotten dressed or washed my hair since last Tuesday. I’ll be using the money to buy crap for the classroom, so that the helicopter parents in the class don’t yell at me for doing a bad job.
I Am Not Siri.
The job description of Room Mom does NOT include babysitting you to make sure you turn in stuff in the manner and by the date requested. Do not chirp requests at me, like: “How much do I need to give you for the teacher gift, I forgot?” or “When is the letter for my kid due again, I didn’t read your email.” or “Do you accept Paypal?” The answers are always going to be “just give me some flipping money,” “put down your smartphone and have your kid write a freaking letter to his teacher TONIGHT” and “I don’t.”
Don’t Question What I Buy
If I buy the teacher a Visa gift card, don’t be a jackhole and ask me, “Why didn’t you buy something more personal, like a homemade cookie bouquet like this one I saw on Pinterest?” I’m not even on Pinterest yet because I’m too busy making your life easier. And also? You should kiss my ass for taking the time to buy the teacher a Visa gift card. If you paid attention to something besides your manicure, you’d know that the teacher is gluten-free, vegan, lactose intolerant and also has a lethal peanut allergy. Also, she’d rather pick out what she really wants, thankyouverymuch.
I See You Over There.
I know you said that you couldn’t volunteer for the school carnival due to a “work engagement,” but I see you rolling around with your kid in the Giant Hamster Ball and shoving cotton candy into your mouth while I am on my 925th round of Cake Walk duty. Your Jimmy Choos are adorable, by the way.
In closing, I thank you in advance for your support. Remember, child placement for next year is already happening! I’d sure hate to see your child be placed with a terrible teacher. Second grade is SO critical! Just saying. Smooches!
Your Room Mom