Birthdays. For better or worse, they tend to be a time of reflection and introspection. And sometimes, that introspection doesn’t feel completely comfortable.
Today I have a wonderful post by my friend Missy of Wonder, Friend. She just had a birthday, and she’s feeling adrift. Take this little peek into her here-and-now and see if you’ve ever felt the same way. I’ll bet you have.
I turned 39 last weekend, and it was no big deal. People joked, throwing out all the standards.
Thirty-nine and holding, huh?
I guess this is your last birthday!
I laughed along, telling everyone what I thought was the truth: birthdays don’t wig me out. They’re an excuse to eat (way too much) cake, and celebrate with friends and family. Birthdays are not a reason to get philosophical. Or to mope about gravity’s unrelenting grasp.
I’ve only had one birthday – as an adult – that felt big: number 33. It wasn’t the number that got me (what kind of weirdo gets hung up on 33?), but instead it was a feeling of being adrift. The previous year resulted in motherhood, a new city, and the loss of my income. I was a stay-at-home mom in a new place, with no friends, and not nearly enough to do. Thirty-three arrived with an air of panic, a notion of oh, crap, is this what it is now?
That feeling didn’t last long, thankfully. I began to find my way, settling into our home and my role as mom. I considered The Great Panic of 33 a blip, an oddity in the life a girl (okay, fine, a woman) who takes birthdays in stride.
Six years later, my stride is broken.
On the eve of my birthday, it’s fair to say I was sucker punched by an awareness that, once again, I’m untethered. I felt raw when I pulled up the covers, as if even soft bedsheets could abrade my skin. What the hell? Where did this rawness come from?
I brushed aside the feelings, tried to ignore all the words pinging around my head. What did you accomplish this year? How much time have you wasted? Ugly words. I shut down the negative talk, and went about my weekend. Mostly.
Over the next 48 hours, through cupcakes, balloons, and hearty cries of Happy Birthday, Mommy!, periodically my heart would flutter or my stomach would drop. By Sunday night I understood where all of these feelings were coming from…
I am broken, and I’m adrift. Again.
The last year didn’t bring major changes, at least not obvious ones. But things are changing. Things keep moving, so fast. I don’t have babies anymore, and in 18 months – a mere sneeze and you’ll miss it time frame – I’ll have two school-age kids. I’m starting to get my free time back.
Hooray, right?
Not so fast with the hooray. It’s good, of course, this time to be someone other than mom. In between dealing with backpacks full of paper (Really, school, why so much paper?), driving to practices, doing homework, making meals (Really, kids, three meals a day? And snacks?), managing the laundry, and all that other stuff that comes with being an adult and a parent… In between that, I’ll soon have time to be me.
Whoever that is.
I’ve dallied in me-ness over the last seven years. I write a little, I train for triathlons and running races, I still read books that don’t have pictures. But I feel… I feel like I have used this mom gig to avoid, well, me. The boys will forever hold the biggest pieces of my heart, the very best parts of me, but they can’t be my island.
So. Here I am, at 39, no longer welcome in this ocean of my own creation, adrift in complacency. Or is the busy-ness of motherhood that I’m floating in? Both, perhaps. My children, my motherhood, they can no longer be my sea of excuses.
Now I must swim. I have no idea where I’m headed, and diving in scares me to death. Time to take one last deep breath, and… off I go.
Missy Stevens writes, blogs, and fails at homemaking in Austin, Texas. She’s a reformed social media addict, meaning she’s only on Facebook and Twitter part of every day now. You can also find her once a week or so on her blog, Wonder, Friend.
About the Author Gigi Ross
I'm a blogger, social media geek, mom and wife, foodie, reality TV addict and Jason Mraz fangirl. Not in that order. I write here about parenting, blogging, technology, social media and pop culture.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
What a beautiful way to describe how many of us (probably) feel.
What I’ve realized though, is that women (and men!) who are working parents feel the same way. Often, even when you have a job, even an interesting or rewarding one, you can feel like you can’t find your grounding and you are drifting. And the years go by.
I think reflecting this way on the time passing might be more of a human condition than a result of a particular kind of motherhood or parenthood.
Olga´s last [type] ..Legitimately Illegible?
I do think that’s true. Maybe we’re wired to wonder and wander, to learn, be curious. Naturally, that would lead us to question what’s next.
Missy´s last [type] ..Adoption of the Four-Legged Variety
I turned 40 this past year and while it’s sort of a big milestone like you I didn’t think much of it. That is until I started actually thinking about it and my life. I’m not feeling adrift but more like I’ve wasted so much time… time that I can’t get back and I don’t know how to make up for it.
Jackie´s last [type] ..A #SentimentalJourney with Emmy Rossum
That feeling of wasted time can be chilling, can’t it. For better or worse, we can’t get it back… My sunshiny answer is to make excellent use of what’s before us. Clearly, I struggle with that!
Missy´s last [type] ..Adoption of the Four-Legged Variety
I have to say, I’m sorta going through the same thing in a way. For three years we’ve been caregivers to my father-in-law, and it looks like that phase will be coming to an end soon. I wonder how much of what I’ve stopped myself from doing over these years has *really* been because of that, or because of me being afraid or wanting to avoid growth and change.
In other words, you’re not alone. All we can do is cross our fingers and move forward, I guess.
Mrs. Jen B´s last [type] ..#HonorMyself Monday: I Need Help
It’s so hard to find yourself amidst the motherhood journey… find your passion and your purpose, and takes steps to pursue them. It’s so important to feed yourself and identify your own dreams aside of parenting. With each step in that direction…you will find even more fulfillment in your life!!
Chris Carter´s last [type] ..Natural Childbirth…
Oh, I feel exactly the same way! With two school-age girls, so much of my time is eaten up with caring for them (and it’s never a solid block of time, thereby freeing up other blocks of time when I can actually accomplish something!). They still need plenty but it is also time to build something for myself and I’m finding it hard to visualize, hard to care about and, of course, hard to do. Haven’t figured it out — hope you are able to….
Cynthia´s last [type] ..The Joy of Being Sick
Yes. It’s funny—just yesterday I realize *that* birthday would be coming up in a few months. I actually counted to make sure I was right. How could I be on the cusp of 40 and not have actually accomplished anything? I suppose I have: marriage, kid, house…but it just seems like I should be more.
I think there are more of us adrift than you think. Maybe we should climb on a life-raft together.
Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice´s last [type] ..How Do I Decide? Self-Publishing vs. Traditional Publishing (A Field Guide for Authors) | REVIEW
I’m right there with you, MIssy! Life has a way of throwing curve balls, just when you think you’ve figured out what it is you’re working toward. And off you go, adrift again.
Oh my dear, darling friend—First of all, let me tell you how much I’ve missed you and Geeg and all of my other fabulous blogging friends. This, trying to get my book out into the world, is hard, exciting, hard, time-stealing and did I mention hard? And unfortunately, I’ve neglected blogging and all that goes with it, namely my wonderful friends. I will try to be better.
Okay now, for the big stuff. I was you at 39, so devastated and lost at the years that had slipped through my fingers without me even noticing and so unsure of what to do with the years to come. And I know this sounds like the biggest piece of cheese ever, but in the midst of my introspective blue funk, I felt this little whisper, thrumming around inside of me, begging to be heard. I still remember the distinct moment I allowed myself to be still and listen to that voice, the voice that pointed me towards the novel, a little dream that was always one of those back shelf kind of aspirations.
The answer will come. It’s there, waiting patiently for you to finish eating your birthday cake and being sad. And it’s definitely okay to wallow a little. You’ve worked hard, carving a life for yourself over these last 39 years. But take it from me, there are some ultra fabulous years to come. Now when you have a few moments, pour yourself a glass of wine and just be still. Who knows what’s waiting for you? But the exciting thing is, something is, doing exactly that. Waiting. For you. Happy The Rest Of Your Life Has Just Begun Birthday.
joann mannix´s last [type] ..If You Like Sagging Bump And Grinds, You’ve Come To The Right Place
Thank you all for such kind, thoughtful comments! I’m traveling today and my connection is spotty, my phone nearly out of juice. I’ll be by to reply to comments either late tonight or tomorrow. Thanks again, Gigi, for letting me hang out around the bonfire!
Missy´s last [type] ..Adoption of the Four-Legged Variety
Can’t you have your cake and turn 39, too?
When I turned 35, I realized there were lots of things I had been planning to do “one day,” and I figured I couldn’t make “one day” do all the work, so I met it half-way. I sifted through those dreams and discovered what was really important to me and I let the other things go without guilt. Not only did I feel lighter, I started doing all the things I really wanted to do. Since then, I’ve written eight manuscripts, eight screenplays, short stories, essays, and poetry about a tuber.
I can’t wait to read what you discover about yourself in your “me time.”
Jef´s last [type] ..How to Successfully Call Friends and Never Speak with Them
Oh Missy, you really captured that betwixt and between, and how it feels.
Happy birthday, and I’m so looking forward to seeing what this year brings for you!
{Maybe it’ll be breath-taking?!}
Galit Breen´s last [type] ..A cookie decorating party for Valentine’s Day, on allParenting
This all sounds so very familiar. I complete relate and remember being at just such a crossroad. I fear I buried myself in the busy-ness of motherhood and it seems I’m busier now than ever. Somehow “me” morphed into “mom.” Happily, though, I am happier and more sated than ever before. Go figure!
{ 1 trackback }