It’s a monumental month here at KludgyMom.
I have arrived.
I have received my first random fan letter.
The subject line of the email was:
Did the writer mean fancy?
Or fan-stye? Kind of like a pigsty, only for fans?
Fans of Ty?
Fa-NASTY? Is that like, uber-nasty?
I had no idea.
I opened the email.
The image is too tiny, I know. So let me give you EXACTLY what the email said as typed by the reader:
i read that thing about braless wonder it was ok but i what to talk to
you about fansty we men have fansty now when a man tell his women his
fanst y like unbottoning the shirt and reveling breast like american
beauty with mean suvari does she make it come true now you what to
talk braless does breast size matter like if you type in mean suvari
nude in american beauty you will see her breast size and tell me that
it one be easy to go braless now is sex the key for sucessful marage
tell me i would make a good hube all i would what to do is make love
to my wife nite and day and thats all i would think about but can you
still have sex after you have a kides like after the baby goes to
sleep at night .the one of the thingthat turnes me ok about a women is
when women growls you like my style
After quickly dashing off his nomination for a Pulitzer Prize, my superex-lawyerly deductive skills came into play. We know a few things about this reader.
1. We know he meant FANTASY.
2. We know that he arrived at my blog and read the post The Braless Wonder. You should go read it if you haven’t, so you can see how pertinent his issues are to my post.
3. We know he found my post by searching for “braless.” Or braless moms, braless in middle school, braless celebrity, braless friend’s mom, or braless moms blog – all of which generated traffic to KludgyMom this month. Further to this point, we know that if I want to get a lot of traffic to KludgyMom, I should change my name to Braless Mom. Why didn’t I think of this before? At least people can pronounce “braless.”
Fact: if you search “braless mom” I am ranked #3 in Google SEO. Bam! Pow! Take that Panda!
I’m all about quality.
4. We know that he probably didn’t win the All-District Spelling Bee in junior high.
5. We know that he probably didn’t belong to Grammar Club.
6. We know that he may be younger than age 8, because my 8 year-old’s capitalization and punctuation whoops up on this guy’s.
7. We know that he has watched American Beauty. But probably only the naked parts.
8. We know that he thinks Mena Suvari is mean. And that she doesn’t reveal her breasts, she revels in them. She likes her boobies, I guess. I learned something about Mena Suvari by reading this letter. Bonus!
9. We know that he may have a chronic sinus condition. When you say “want” with a plugged up nose, it sounds like “what.”
10. We know that he may also have been the person who arrived at my blog by searching “Kevin Connolly shirtless.” For what it’s worth, I think even I, braless, am more hot than Kevin Connolly shirtless.
11. We know that he may be a polygamist because “woman” is just not enough. He wants his womenz.
12. We know that my post was probably the biggest disappointment of his day.
Or maybe his unanswered fan letter to Mean Suvari was.
I showed my husband and while he agreed that this email was worthy of a blog post, he also got a little nervous that I have a stalker. I assured him that unless I become a braless vlogger who, during naptime, re-enacts Mean Suvari’s breasticle-reveling scene from American Beauty while I growl, I’m pretty safe he’s not coming back.
Because I just don’t get into a lot of fansty here.